Electric Cars are Bad for the Environment(?)

This ride will get you laid

by Marc J. Randazza

Stop it with the whole “electric cars are bad for the environment” crap. Yeah, they are. Yeah, cobalt and lithium mining. Yeah, we have to dump the batteries somewhere one day. Yeah, you need to make electricity somewhere, and maybe that means a coal fired power plant somewhere.

You’ve seen how filthy the internal combustion / petroleum industry is too, right? It isn’t like we’re trading out something nice and pure. Even a coal plant in one place beats exhaust fumes everywhere.

I’m not saying that electric is actually better for the environment. I don’t know and I don’t care. What I can say is will those of you perpetuating this dumbassery cut it out? If you drive, no matter what you drive, you shit on the environment.

Fuck the environment. I have three cars. None of them get more than 15 mpg. I have one that has a

Sign translation: “I am a sanctimonious little snot living in a reality show.”

button that I push and it goes into sport mode — where it gets a massive power boost and SIX MILES TO THE GALLON. Every time I stab that button, I get a huge smile on my face and mockingly say “YEW HAVE STEWLEN MY DREAMS!”

My other two cars are Corvettes. One without a catalytic converter. I spew pollution everywhere every day. I run the air conditioner in my house with the windows open, because I like the breeze and the AC. I fly in a big ol jet a couple times a month, and usually try to do so in the front of the plane so that I take up even more space. I have the carbon footprint of Costa Rica. I do not give a SHIT. Future generations? Fuck you. Invent something instead of being on instagram all day you whiny little bitches.

All that aside, ELECTRIC CARS ARE BETTER. SAY IT. THEY ARE BETTER!

An electric Kia can smoke any of my V8s. You don’t need to change the oil in an electric car. An electric car has like two moving parts (I dunno, six? I’m not handy). When I blew the engine in my vintage Vette, there was a tiny part of me hoping it couldn’t be repaired, so I could convert it to electric (it is matching numbers, so I did restore it to new). You don’t ever have to go to the gas station! You just come home and plug that shit in. So what if road trips require a 30 minute recharge? Start putting cafes next to the chargers, and maybe we can all get a little more social again – of course, you’ll just stare at your phone the whole time. That might be an improvement though. You can take your selfies and text during recharges, so that the roads are safe for motorcycles again.

I do love the growl and vibration signature of a V8. You can’t really replace that. But, whatever.

I also love pissing off Greta Thunberg.

I think that any man who drives a Prius should also be issued a little black dress and a mask so he can wear it in his car by himself. But, that’s just the Prius.

Actual footage of
a man buying a Prius

The only reason I don’t have an electric car is because I hate all of them. I don’t hate seeing them. Good for you if you have one. You can laugh your ass off at me if we race … but when the hell are we gonna do that? You know when your car’s performance really matters? Merging. You in your electric Kia have the torque of an oil tanker squeezing and twisting Satan’s pud until he screams for mercy. I have a more heavy-metal sounding engine, and I’m lagging behind you – even in an M5 or a Corvette. I am jealous of you in your little sparky Kia.

I am drooling to buy an electric car. I will buy one the day that they make one that doesn’t have a stupid ipad for a dashboard. I want buttons, switches, and dials like a real car — oh, and air conditioned seats. If you have testicles, you need air conditioned seats (that’s why Priuses don’t have them).

And it isn’t because I give two shits about climate change. Fuck climate change. I want climate change. Turn the heat up and let’s start growing mangoes in Portland, Maine. If electric cars are better for climate change, I don’t care. I’ll burn a tire in my yard just to be an asshole. I want electric torque and off the line power. I’m not driving my car any faster than 120 mph anyway. So, top end doesn’t mean diddly.

I just want something that looks decent, that I can change the temp in the car with a BUTTON, I can change the radio station with a DIAL, and a nice SWITCH that goes KERCHUNK on the dashboard that will cool my balls on a hot day — or hell, a cold day. Cold air across your balls is key. That’s why they dangle outside your body, and they’re not protected inside your skull.

I’m waiting, Elon.