Drinking, Large Breasts, and the Law

April 19, 2012

PSL woman Maureen Raymond says her ‘big breasts’ hindered her DUI test performance, affidavit states.

While one might think think I posted this article for the prurient interest, it is actually because of a statement in the article that annoyed me.  I quote:

It wasn’t clear whether large breasts could be cited as part of a DUI case defense or whether case law supports such a contention.

Okay, Will Greenlee from Scripps, why did you feel the need to include this masterful insight?  It wasn’t clear to whom, to you?  How much research did you do to check?  What is the purpose of this statement?  While Marc is a Florida licensed attorney and I am not, I am going to go out on a limb here and say that this is not something one needs to cite as a formal defense or rely upon case law to contend.

Rather, this is a question of fact as to whether she had a reasonable basis to refuse or otherwise fail at a field sobriety test.  I think it would have been better for her to try, and fail, rather than refuse, unless there was some medical reason why an attempt would be medically ill advised (e.g. pain).  At trial, she may need to introduce biomechanical expert evidence to provide the opinion that large breasts interfere with the ability to perform FSTs, and that could be subject to a Daubert-type challenge.  But Daubert (and state analogs) only speaks to the method by which scientific theory and evidence is admissible, not whether a particular theory is admissible.  It is not a “large breast” defense, it is an “inability to perform FST” defense.  It is a question of fact, not a question of law, so, typically no case law is warranted (unless there is a judicial notice issue, but I will avoid commenting on judicial notice of large breasts).

Journalist, stick to the story and stay out of the law.  You only embarass yourself.

(Former) Judge Willie Singletary – Preacher Mode? Judge Mode? Its all Crazy Mode

March 5, 2012

Willie Singletary

When Willie Singletary ran for traffic court judge in 2007, he was described as “a scofflaw of major proportions” by the Philadelphia Inquirer.

As of primary day, Singletary, 26, owed $11,427.50 for 55 violations, including reckless driving, driving without a license, careless driving, driving without registration, and driving without insurance.

In fact, a bench warrant had been issued for his arrest – a fact made public after the election by Bernard Strain, who lost in the Democratic primary for Traffic Court but who won a Republican nomination. (source)

His dad paid the fines, and claimed that “roughly half” of the violations were racked up by Willie’s brother. (source) His license was suspended for four years, yet he still won his race.

Singletary was (maybe still is) a preacher, go figure. During the election, he was captured on Youtube suggesting that campaign contributions would result in benefits to those who appeared before him while he served on the bench. At a “Blessing of the Bikes” event, he said,

“There’s going to be a basket going around because I’m running for traffic court judge, right, and I need some money. Now, you all want me to get there. You’re all going to need my hookup, right?”

He got suspended when that came out. His excuse? “I was in preacher mode,” he said. “I do admit I chose a poor choice of words.” (source)

I guess promising corruption is “preacher mode.”

But wait, there’s more.

He was again relieved of his duties because he showed pictures of his penis to a co-worker. (source)

After allegedly showing a young, female Traffic Court cashier in December two cellphone pictures of his erect penis, Singletary cooed, “Do you like that?” according to documents released [On March 1] by the state Judicial Conduct Board. (source)

Oh, it gets better. After the co-worker filed a sexual harassment complaint, Singletary reportedly confronted her to try and get her to withdraw it. Hello retaliation suit.

When he got fired, he was escorted from the building by sheriff’s deputies.

I wonder whether the cock shot was done while Singletary was in “judge mode” or “preacher mode.”

This is not what I’d call “game”

March 5, 2012

John Jardini

CBS Pittsburgh reports that John Jardini, 26, really liked a girl. He liked her so much that he robbed her, took $60 from her, and asked for her phone number. (Which she gave him, for some reason). After he robbed her, he called her twice trying to get her to go out with him. Police used cell phone records to track him down, but such sleuthing wasn’t really necessary.

Police got a search warrant for Jardini’s phone records and were on the verge of tracking him down, but then Jardini reportedly assaulted the same girl and her mother outside Zack’s Market on Brownville Road. (source)

While this guy is being mocked all over the place, something about this story doesn’t smell right. Perhaps the girl was so scared during the initial robbery that she gave him her real phone number without thinking about it. Perhaps this guy really is this stupid.

Woman sues school because her roommate got laid too much

March 5, 2012

A woman is suing Stonehill College in Easton, MA because her roommate had too much sex in the room.

Lindsay Blankmeyer, who says she suffers from depression and attention deficit disorder, is seeking $150,000 from Stonehill, claiming the college violated state and federal laws because housing officials did not give her reasonable alternatives for escaping a bad living situation. (source)

Stonehill is a Catholic institution and the school’s student health insurance does not cover oral contraceptives unless prescribed for a medical purpose other than birth control.

Amazing Hooker Shape Shifts Into a Donkey!

October 27, 2011

We’ve all woken up in the morning with someone and thought “jesus, she looked a lot better in the dim lights and through the beer goggles.” The usual result? An uncomfortable bit of silence, an “I’ll call you later,” which never happens, and your buddies make fun of you a bit the next day.

Therefore, we can all identify with poor Sunday Moyo. Well, maybe not entirely.

Sunday Moyo, 28, was found by police officers performing a sex act on the donkey, who was lying on the ground tied to a tree, just after 4:00am local time, a court in Zvishavane, about 185 miles (300 kilometers) south of the capital Harare, heard. (source)

Don’t judge. Not yet.

When he was brought before the court, Mr. Moyo had the best story ever.

Although he was not formally asked to enter a plea, Moyo admitted committing the crime but told the magistrate an enthralling tale which had the court in stitches.

“Your worship, I only came to know that I was being intimate with a donkey when I got arrested,” he began.
“I had hired a prostitute and paid US$20 for the service at Down Town night club and I don’t know how she then became a donkey.” (source)

I’ve been to Bangkok and Tijuana, and lots of other shady places. I’ve seen hookers shoot darts out of their vaginas across a room and hit the target every time, pull strings of razor blades out of their cooch without a single nick, and all kinds of other amazing magical hooker tricks. The fact is, hookers are magic just like unicorns. So, who knows… maybe Mr. Sunday is telling the truth. Although, it does seem to violate The Five Rules of Shape Shifting.

No no… don’t judge yet.

He also claimed he was in love with the animal, telling the court, “I think I am also a donkey. I do not know what happened when I left the bar, but I am seriously in love with [the] donkey,” The Herald newspaper reported. (source)

Ok, you are now clear to judge.

PETA must be trolling us

October 26, 2011

Now I am convinced that PETA must be the most well-organized practical joke in the world. They are suing Sea World for violating the 13th Amendment. The theory? Keeping killer whales in captivity is slavery. (source)

If this files, I’m bringing a THIRD Amendment complaint against the U.S. Government. After all, they quarter troops in the homes of squirrels, bears, and owls every time they set up camp in the woods. Ordinances that tell worthless trash fuckheads that their dogs need to shut the fuck up? That there must be a violation of the dog’s First Amendment rights. PETA’s campaign to spay and neuter pets? If animals have constitutional rights, then that campaign starts sounding an awful lot like something that isn’t exactly popular. Of course, maybe the converse would be true — and if we can spay dogs and cats, we ought to be able to spay and neuter the non productive members of society — I’m cool with that.

You ever see those “protect your right to arm bears” bumper stickers? They aren’t just ironic, bears would have Second Amendment rights — and so would monkeys!

H/T: Venkat

Disclaimer, I do not support monkeys having weapons. Despite what Popehat has said (libelously I might add) about me — that I represent both sides in the great ape war — I am firmly with my human brethren.

Broken Penises and the Law

September 3, 2010

Her reverse cowgirl is, apparently, both incredible and dangerous

By Marc J. Randazza

As office workers, few attorneys have the opportunity to contemplate what workplace injuries can mean to their clients. Honestly, what’s the worst injury you can get on the job in a law office? A paper cut? Your panties in a wad?

In the porn industry, like any other, workplace injuries are an issue. Normally, it is the female talent that winds up a little sore. I mean, those high platform heels will make a girl’s feet hurt like you wouldn’t believe. But, even for the men on a straight porn set, even one that involves no strap-ons, danger lurks… waiting to pounce upon an unsuspecting victim.

Prince Yahshua, CEO of Silverback Entertainment, recently met this unfortunate fate. (Source.) While working with Bethany Benz, a/k/a Caviar, a reality television star and porn novice, they were filming a scene where she was riding him “reverse cowgirl” For those of you who don’t know that position, she was on top of Prince, straddling him while facing toward the camera. The couple lost their natural rhythm and, on an upward thrust, Prince had an epic miss, followed by an audible “pop.” Prince’s penis began gushing blood, and he was rushed to a hospital. There, he underwent surgery for a torn urethra and ripped penile muscle wall, staying in the hospital for three days.

Luckily, Prince Yashua is doing well, and we wish him a continued speedy recovery.

Of course, this being a law blog – we need to look at the legal angle – even just in the hypothetical. Could the Prince get compensation for his broken scepter? If he is classified as an employee of the studio, the poor guy is left with nothing but a workers’ compensation claim. Meaning — he gets partial wage replacement and some medical bills paid. That would really make for a boring blog post though, wouldn’t it?

Sweet mother of god... NO!!!!!

On the other hand, if he is classified as an independent contractor, then one might think that this is a case that turns on whether Bethany was negligent or not in her reverse cowgirl ride. Did she have a duty of care, and if so, did she breach that duty, thus causing injuries to our unfortunate royalty? Is this a case of, “you break, you buy?”

Incredibly, this precise issue has been litigated before. See Doe v. Moe, 63 Mass. App. Ct. 516, 827 N.E.2d 240 (2005).

The plaintiff and the defendant were in a long-term committed relationship. Early in the morning of September 24, 1994, they were engaged in consensual sexual intercourse. The plaintiff was lying on his back while the defendant was on top of him. The defendant’s body was secured in this position by the interlocking of her legs and the plaintiff’s legs. At some point, the defendant unilaterally decided to unlock her legs and place her feet on either side of the plaintiff’s abdomen for the purpose of increasing her stimulation. When the defendant changed her position, she did not think about the possibility of injury to the plaintiff. Shortly after taking this new position, the defendant landed awkwardly on the plaintiff, thereby causing him to suffer a penile fracture.

Although this was generally a position the couple had used before without incident, the defendant did vary slightly the position previously used, without prior specific discussion and without the explicit prior consent of the plaintiff. It is this variation that the plaintiff claims caused his injury. While the couple had practiced what the defendant described as “light bondage” during their intimate relations, there was no evidence of “light bondage” on this occasion. The plaintiff’s injuries were serious and required emergency surgery. He has endured a painful and lengthy recovery. He has suffered from sexual dysfunction that neither medication nor counseling have been able to treat effectively. (Op. at 518)

In that case, the plaintiff wanted the court to use simple negligence theory. Was there a duty? Was it breached? Was the breach the cause of the plaintiff’s damages? But, the Supreme Judicial Court Court of Appeals of my beloved Commonwealth of Massachusetts just couldn’t stomach the thought of negligent fucking cases spewing all over the courts. The court determined that… well, deciding what was “reasonable care” in bed is just not something they wanted any Massachusetts court to get into.

We must determine whether the application of a standard of reasonable care to private consensual sexual conduct is appropriate or even workable. Questions of fact that would arise from these circumstances must be susceptible to consideration by a fact finder without prejudice and in a spirit of impartiality. Addressing a like issue in a different context, the Supreme Judicial Court recognized that “in light of our own awareness that community values on the subject of permissible sexual conduct no longer are as monolithic” as prior precedent had suggested, it could no longer apply the statutory prohibition of G. L. c. 272, § 35, against “unnatural and lascivious” acts to private, consensual adult sexual conduct. Commonwealth v. Balthazar, 366 Mass. 298 , 302 (1974). [Note 4] There are no comprehensive legal rules to regulate consensual sexual behavior, and there are no commonly accepted customs or values that determine parameters for the intensely private and widely diverse forms of such behavior. [Note 5] In the absence of a consensus of community values or customs defining normal consensual sexual conduct, a jury or judge cannot be expected to resolve a claim that certain consensual sexual conduct is undertaken without reasonable care. (Op. at 520-521)

Accordingly, at least in the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, a broken dick case (or any other sex injury case) is going to turn on whether the defendant’s conduct was wanton or reckless, not just negligent.

In the case at hand, I think the injury happened in New York, so who knows what the law is there. I didn’t find any broken dick cases in New York case law. Since Massachusetts is way more fucking awesome than New York, they would probably just follow Mass law on this one.

With respect to Bethany Benz, hopefully this incident will not have an impact on her reverse cowgirl, which I have heard from several people is incredible.

Yahshua, on behalf of all men, everywhere, who have ever lived or who ever will live — get well soon.

We’re all pulling for you.