Drinking, Large Breasts, and the Law

April 19, 2012

PSL woman Maureen Raymond says her ‘big breasts’ hindered her DUI test performance, affidavit states.

While one might think think I posted this article for the prurient interest, it is actually because of a statement in the article that annoyed me.  I quote:

It wasn’t clear whether large breasts could be cited as part of a DUI case defense or whether case law supports such a contention.

Okay, Will Greenlee from Scripps, why did you feel the need to include this masterful insight?  It wasn’t clear to whom, to you?  How much research did you do to check?  What is the purpose of this statement?  While Marc is a Florida licensed attorney and I am not, I am going to go out on a limb here and say that this is not something one needs to cite as a formal defense or rely upon case law to contend.

Rather, this is a question of fact as to whether she had a reasonable basis to refuse or otherwise fail at a field sobriety test.  I think it would have been better for her to try, and fail, rather than refuse, unless there was some medical reason why an attempt would be medically ill advised (e.g. pain).  At trial, she may need to introduce biomechanical expert evidence to provide the opinion that large breasts interfere with the ability to perform FSTs, and that could be subject to a Daubert-type challenge.  But Daubert (and state analogs) only speaks to the method by which scientific theory and evidence is admissible, not whether a particular theory is admissible.  It is not a “large breast” defense, it is an “inability to perform FST” defense.  It is a question of fact, not a question of law, so, typically no case law is warranted (unless there is a judicial notice issue, but I will avoid commenting on judicial notice of large breasts).

Journalist, stick to the story and stay out of the law.  You only embarass yourself.

(Former) Judge Willie Singletary – Preacher Mode? Judge Mode? Its all Crazy Mode

March 5, 2012

Willie Singletary

When Willie Singletary ran for traffic court judge in 2007, he was described as “a scofflaw of major proportions” by the Philadelphia Inquirer.

As of primary day, Singletary, 26, owed $11,427.50 for 55 violations, including reckless driving, driving without a license, careless driving, driving without registration, and driving without insurance.

In fact, a bench warrant had been issued for his arrest – a fact made public after the election by Bernard Strain, who lost in the Democratic primary for Traffic Court but who won a Republican nomination. (source)

His dad paid the fines, and claimed that “roughly half” of the violations were racked up by Willie’s brother. (source) His license was suspended for four years, yet he still won his race.

Singletary was (maybe still is) a preacher, go figure. During the election, he was captured on Youtube suggesting that campaign contributions would result in benefits to those who appeared before him while he served on the bench. At a “Blessing of the Bikes” event, he said,

“There’s going to be a basket going around because I’m running for traffic court judge, right, and I need some money. Now, you all want me to get there. You’re all going to need my hookup, right?”

He got suspended when that came out. His excuse? “I was in preacher mode,” he said. “I do admit I chose a poor choice of words.” (source)

I guess promising corruption is “preacher mode.”

But wait, there’s more.

He was again relieved of his duties because he showed pictures of his penis to a co-worker. (source)

After allegedly showing a young, female Traffic Court cashier in December two cellphone pictures of his erect penis, Singletary cooed, “Do you like that?” according to documents released [On March 1] by the state Judicial Conduct Board. (source)

Oh, it gets better. After the co-worker filed a sexual harassment complaint, Singletary reportedly confronted her to try and get her to withdraw it. Hello retaliation suit.

When he got fired, he was escorted from the building by sheriff’s deputies.

I wonder whether the cock shot was done while Singletary was in “judge mode” or “preacher mode.”

This is not what I’d call “game”

March 5, 2012

John Jardini

CBS Pittsburgh reports that John Jardini, 26, really liked a girl. He liked her so much that he robbed her, took $60 from her, and asked for her phone number. (Which she gave him, for some reason). After he robbed her, he called her twice trying to get her to go out with him. Police used cell phone records to track him down, but such sleuthing wasn’t really necessary.

Police got a search warrant for Jardini’s phone records and were on the verge of tracking him down, but then Jardini reportedly assaulted the same girl and her mother outside Zack’s Market on Brownville Road. (source)

While this guy is being mocked all over the place, something about this story doesn’t smell right. Perhaps the girl was so scared during the initial robbery that she gave him her real phone number without thinking about it. Perhaps this guy really is this stupid.

Woman sues school because her roommate got laid too much

March 5, 2012

A woman is suing Stonehill College in Easton, MA because her roommate had too much sex in the room.

Lindsay Blankmeyer, who says she suffers from depression and attention deficit disorder, is seeking $150,000 from Stonehill, claiming the college violated state and federal laws because housing officials did not give her reasonable alternatives for escaping a bad living situation. (source)

Stonehill is a Catholic institution and the school’s student health insurance does not cover oral contraceptives unless prescribed for a medical purpose other than birth control.

Amazing Hooker Shape Shifts Into a Donkey!

October 27, 2011

We’ve all woken up in the morning with someone and thought “jesus, she looked a lot better in the dim lights and through the beer goggles.” The usual result? An uncomfortable bit of silence, an “I’ll call you later,” which never happens, and your buddies make fun of you a bit the next day.

Therefore, we can all identify with poor Sunday Moyo. Well, maybe not entirely.

Sunday Moyo, 28, was found by police officers performing a sex act on the donkey, who was lying on the ground tied to a tree, just after 4:00am local time, a court in Zvishavane, about 185 miles (300 kilometers) south of the capital Harare, heard. (source)

Don’t judge. Not yet.

When he was brought before the court, Mr. Moyo had the best story ever.

Although he was not formally asked to enter a plea, Moyo admitted committing the crime but told the magistrate an enthralling tale which had the court in stitches.

“Your worship, I only came to know that I was being intimate with a donkey when I got arrested,” he began.
“I had hired a prostitute and paid US$20 for the service at Down Town night club and I don’t know how she then became a donkey.” (source)

I’ve been to Bangkok and Tijuana, and lots of other shady places. I’ve seen hookers shoot darts out of their vaginas across a room and hit the target every time, pull strings of razor blades out of their cooch without a single nick, and all kinds of other amazing magical hooker tricks. The fact is, hookers are magic just like unicorns. So, who knows… maybe Mr. Sunday is telling the truth. Although, it does seem to violate The Five Rules of Shape Shifting.

No no… don’t judge yet.

He also claimed he was in love with the animal, telling the court, “I think I am also a donkey. I do not know what happened when I left the bar, but I am seriously in love with [the] donkey,” The Herald newspaper reported. (source)

Ok, you are now clear to judge.

PETA must be trolling us

October 26, 2011

Now I am convinced that PETA must be the most well-organized practical joke in the world. They are suing Sea World for violating the 13th Amendment. The theory? Keeping killer whales in captivity is slavery. (source)

If this files, I’m bringing a THIRD Amendment complaint against the U.S. Government. After all, they quarter troops in the homes of squirrels, bears, and owls every time they set up camp in the woods. Ordinances that tell worthless trash fuckheads that their dogs need to shut the fuck up? That there must be a violation of the dog’s First Amendment rights. PETA’s campaign to spay and neuter pets? If animals have constitutional rights, then that campaign starts sounding an awful lot like something that isn’t exactly popular. Of course, maybe the converse would be true — and if we can spay dogs and cats, we ought to be able to spay and neuter the non productive members of society — I’m cool with that.

You ever see those “protect your right to arm bears” bumper stickers? They aren’t just ironic, bears would have Second Amendment rights — and so would monkeys!

H/T: Venkat

Disclaimer, I do not support monkeys having weapons. Despite what Popehat has said (libelously I might add) about me — that I represent both sides in the great ape war — I am firmly with my human brethren.

Broken Penises and the Law

September 3, 2010

Her reverse cowgirl is, apparently, both incredible and dangerous

By Marc J. Randazza

As office workers, few attorneys have the opportunity to contemplate what workplace injuries can mean to their clients. Honestly, what’s the worst injury you can get on the job in a law office? A paper cut? Your panties in a wad?

In the porn industry, like any other, workplace injuries are an issue. Normally, it is the female talent that winds up a little sore. I mean, those high platform heels will make a girl’s feet hurt like you wouldn’t believe. But, even for the men on a straight porn set, even one that involves no strap-ons, danger lurks… waiting to pounce upon an unsuspecting victim.

Prince Yahshua, CEO of Silverback Entertainment, recently met this unfortunate fate. (Source.) While working with Bethany Benz, a/k/a Caviar, a reality television star and porn novice, they were filming a scene where she was riding him “reverse cowgirl” For those of you who don’t know that position, she was on top of Prince, straddling him while facing toward the camera. The couple lost their natural rhythm and, on an upward thrust, Prince had an epic miss, followed by an audible “pop.” Prince’s penis began gushing blood, and he was rushed to a hospital. There, he underwent surgery for a torn urethra and ripped penile muscle wall, staying in the hospital for three days.

Luckily, Prince Yashua is doing well, and we wish him a continued speedy recovery.

Of course, this being a law blog – we need to look at the legal angle – even just in the hypothetical. Could the Prince get compensation for his broken scepter? If he is classified as an employee of the studio, the poor guy is left with nothing but a workers’ compensation claim. Meaning — he gets partial wage replacement and some medical bills paid. That would really make for a boring blog post though, wouldn’t it?

Sweet mother of god... NO!!!!!

On the other hand, if he is classified as an independent contractor, then one might think that this is a case that turns on whether Bethany was negligent or not in her reverse cowgirl ride. Did she have a duty of care, and if so, did she breach that duty, thus causing injuries to our unfortunate royalty? Is this a case of, “you break, you buy?”

Incredibly, this precise issue has been litigated before. See Doe v. Moe, 63 Mass. App. Ct. 516, 827 N.E.2d 240 (2005).

The plaintiff and the defendant were in a long-term committed relationship. Early in the morning of September 24, 1994, they were engaged in consensual sexual intercourse. The plaintiff was lying on his back while the defendant was on top of him. The defendant’s body was secured in this position by the interlocking of her legs and the plaintiff’s legs. At some point, the defendant unilaterally decided to unlock her legs and place her feet on either side of the plaintiff’s abdomen for the purpose of increasing her stimulation. When the defendant changed her position, she did not think about the possibility of injury to the plaintiff. Shortly after taking this new position, the defendant landed awkwardly on the plaintiff, thereby causing him to suffer a penile fracture.

Although this was generally a position the couple had used before without incident, the defendant did vary slightly the position previously used, without prior specific discussion and without the explicit prior consent of the plaintiff. It is this variation that the plaintiff claims caused his injury. While the couple had practiced what the defendant described as “light bondage” during their intimate relations, there was no evidence of “light bondage” on this occasion. The plaintiff’s injuries were serious and required emergency surgery. He has endured a painful and lengthy recovery. He has suffered from sexual dysfunction that neither medication nor counseling have been able to treat effectively. (Op. at 518)

In that case, the plaintiff wanted the court to use simple negligence theory. Was there a duty? Was it breached? Was the breach the cause of the plaintiff’s damages? But, the Supreme Judicial Court Court of Appeals of my beloved Commonwealth of Massachusetts just couldn’t stomach the thought of negligent fucking cases spewing all over the courts. The court determined that… well, deciding what was “reasonable care” in bed is just not something they wanted any Massachusetts court to get into.

We must determine whether the application of a standard of reasonable care to private consensual sexual conduct is appropriate or even workable. Questions of fact that would arise from these circumstances must be susceptible to consideration by a fact finder without prejudice and in a spirit of impartiality. Addressing a like issue in a different context, the Supreme Judicial Court recognized that “in light of our own awareness that community values on the subject of permissible sexual conduct no longer are as monolithic” as prior precedent had suggested, it could no longer apply the statutory prohibition of G. L. c. 272, § 35, against “unnatural and lascivious” acts to private, consensual adult sexual conduct. Commonwealth v. Balthazar, 366 Mass. 298 , 302 (1974). [Note 4] There are no comprehensive legal rules to regulate consensual sexual behavior, and there are no commonly accepted customs or values that determine parameters for the intensely private and widely diverse forms of such behavior. [Note 5] In the absence of a consensus of community values or customs defining normal consensual sexual conduct, a jury or judge cannot be expected to resolve a claim that certain consensual sexual conduct is undertaken without reasonable care. (Op. at 520-521)

Accordingly, at least in the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, a broken dick case (or any other sex injury case) is going to turn on whether the defendant’s conduct was wanton or reckless, not just negligent.

In the case at hand, I think the injury happened in New York, so who knows what the law is there. I didn’t find any broken dick cases in New York case law. Since Massachusetts is way more fucking awesome than New York, they would probably just follow Mass law on this one.

With respect to Bethany Benz, hopefully this incident will not have an impact on her reverse cowgirl, which I have heard from several people is incredible.

Yahshua, on behalf of all men, everywhere, who have ever lived or who ever will live — get well soon.

We’re all pulling for you.

Now this is a judge who knows how to pound a gavel

August 29, 2010

heh heh… heh…

So he had porn on his work computer. Big fucking deal.

Still, gave me the opportunity to use that joke in the headline, so Judge Gibbons, tyft.

When Food Attacks

December 12, 2009

Who knew that meat was such an effective weapon.

A Likelihood of Confusion and Cameltoe Camouflaging

December 4, 2009

By: Zac Papantoniou

H/T to Ryan Gile at Las Vegas Trademark Attorney Blog, for bringing this trademark infringement suit involving cameltoe-covering undies to light, and thus making it clearly visible for us here at the Legal Satyricon to find (Note – Due to the nature of this case, and my juvenile sense of humor, I take no responsibility for making really bad puns).

Ryan Gile wrote an interesting post yesterday, regarding a trademark infringement lawsuit filed in the U.S. District Court for the Eastern District of Michigan. The plaintiff and defendant in the suit are competing makers of cameltoe covering underwear for women, who both (at some point) have used a variation of the word “camouflage” to identify the brand of their respective products.

According to the complaint, Ruby Tuesday Designs, LLC (the Plaintiff) has been engaged in selling its cameltoe-masking undergarments under the mark KAMELFLAGE since March 2009. The Plaintiff is suing Camelflage, LLC, who registered the domain name “camelflage.com” on May 27, 2009; two days later, the Defendant also applied to the USPTO for registration of the word mark CAMELFLAGE (for undergarments and other apparel) stating that the mark’s first date of use-in-commerce was March 15, 2009. The Defendant is currently selling its version of cameltoe-masking undies through their aforementioned website using the CAMELFLAGE mark. The story leading up to the filing of the suit has some amusing twists and turns (which Gile has done a superb job of detailing in his post on the matter), not to mention plenty of references to cameltoes, so if you want a few laughs (and some case analysis) check out Gile’s take on the suit.

As for my take on the matter . . . I would give at least $100 to be in that courtroom, as the judge attempts to keep a straight face while listening to a couple of attorneys argue for/against a likelihood of confusion in the context of cameltoe camouflaging apparel.

I’d rather be in prison than with my wife

October 23, 2009

Not me… but this guy.

Jack Thompson Didn’t Get the AutoAdmit Memo

October 1, 2009

Apparently Jack Thompson, asshat of the century, is suing Facebook because Facebook won’t stop its members from being mean to him. (complaint here, courtesy of Popehat).

Naturally, it is 31 flavors of batshit crazy — just what you would expect from Jack. Speaking of Popehat, no sense in analyzing the complaint when Ken does an ass kicking job of it over at our soul-brother blawg.

I will, however, offer up a comparison.

As batshit nutty as ol’ Jack can be, and this case is no exception, his legal theory isn’t really all that original. This is pretty much the same legal theory that the Auto Admit plaintiffs tried to use against one of the employees of that site. Compare this complaint to Jack’s.

Personally, I think that Jack’s is more well written. The only real difference between the two is that I’d bet that Jack would actually be fun to hang out with, if you could get him to agree to keep certain topics off the table. (Jack, for what it’s worth, if you read this, I hereby invite you out for a night of getting shitfaced). In the Auto Admit case, there’s nothing but sanctimonious patrician whining.

Peeing on People and Prison

April 19, 2009


The always informative Jonathan Turley tips us off to a tale of a man, Jerome Kenneth King-zio, who decided to urinate on a fellow passenger during a flight from Los Angeles to Honolulu. (source).

While I find the story shocking, I find it more shocking that Turley thinks that Mr. King-zio’s sentence was too light. He got three weeks in jail for assault.

I’m not saying that he should have gone un-punished. Some time in the clink is appropriate, and the sentence seems proportional to the crime. Yes, getting peed on is pretty freakin’ nasty. The victim had every right to be pissed off angry. I just question how long Prof. Turley thinks would have been appropriate.

Frankly, I think that King-zio deserved a royal ass-kicking. But, in terms of the harm he cause to the victim, I can’t really imagine that it did anything more than ruin her day and require her to change and wash her clothes. Provided King-zio was healthy, his urine would have been sterile upon exiting the body. It was quite unlikely that there would be any health effects from being peed on. And, it won’t likely stain her clothes. Aside from the “ew gross” factor (which is pretty freakin’ high), King-zio did the victim little more permanent harm than he would have if he had spilled a drink on her.

In contrast, lets look at some hypothetical harms she may very well have suffered on the same flight. I’m sure that some hacking sick passenger spewed their live virus samples into the air inside the germ tube we call an airplane. Similarly, as soon as she exited the airport, I’m sure some dirty prick will be standing outside smoking a cigarette — billowing carcinogens into the victim’s face. Hell, even someone farting next to her would cause poo particles to exit the farter’s ass, waft through the air, and then settle inside her sinus cavities. Yes, every time you smell a fart, that is poo entering your head.

So, maybe Turley needs to lighten up a wee bit.

Alabama Vindicated: Five Foot Penis Used in Terrorist/Hostile Penis Environment Attack Upon Law Enforcement

March 23, 2009

In the latest example of either A) a terrorist attack or B) a hostile penile environment episode, the Alabama legislature has been vindicated. Dildos are dangerous. (Choose A if you’re a Cheneyite and choose B if you’re a MacKinnonite).

A bachelorette party in Kansas “got out of hand,” resulting in a rabble rouser launching a five-foot inflatable penis at a police officer on horseback.

Between this and the dog chick from Indiana, I’d say that the rest of the country better stop making fun of Flori-duh until we get a chance to catch up.

Hat tip to Popehat

I don’t want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper.

December 18, 2008
It's my duty to harass, confound and confuse the enemy to the best of my ability

It's my duty to harass, confound and confuse the enemy to the best of my ability

In boot camp, I learned that if a soldier is taken captive, it is his duty to make things difficult for his captors. The sound military theory behind this requirement is that a pain in the ass prisoner requires more guards than a compliant one, and the more resources the enemy has to expend keeping you under control, the less resources the enemy has to send to the front.

Jose Antonio Cruz would make a hell of a soldier.

Mr. Cruz is descended from a long line of French soldiers

Mr. Cruz' is descended from a long line of French soldiers

Mr. Cruz was pulled over for drunk driving in Kanawha County, West Virginia. After being arrested, he refused to wear his seat belt in the patrol car, wouldn’t sit down at the police station, wouldn’t give a proper breathalyser sample, and generally harassed and confounded the officers.

But then he really went and did it. From the criminal complaint:

Patrolman Parsons was in a chair approx. 4-5 feet away from the fingerprinting station. The defendant scooted the 4 feet to Patrolman Parsons, away from Officer Cook, and lifted his leg and passed gas loudly on Patrolman Parsons. The defendant then fanned the air with his hand in front of his rear onto patrolman Parsons. The gas was very odorous and created contact of an insulting or provoking nature with Patrolman Parsons.

Patrolman Parsons was not amused. He charged Cruz with battery upon a police officer under W. Va. Code § 61-2-10b.

Any person who unlawfully, knowingly and intentionally makes physical contact of an insulting or provoking nature with a police officer…acting in his or her official capacity… is guilty of a misdemeanor and, upon conviction thereof, shall be confined in jail for not less than one month nor more than twelve months, fined the sum of five hundred dollars, or both.

On a law school exam, even blowing smoke in someone’s face can technically and theoretically amount to battery. However, if Mr. Cruz winds up in jail for 30 days for ripping a drunken fart, something will really stink in West Virginia.

HT: Contiguglia