ABA Journal Magazine Tackles Righthaven in May 2012 Issue

April 23, 2012

Remember Righthaven?  While it has been stripped of its intellectual property and claims against it keep piling up, the fat lady has not yet sung – and the ABA has noticed.

The May 2012 ABA Journal’s cover story is the aftermath of Righthaven.  Eriq Gardner, who Righthaven once sued for posting an image of an exhibit from one of its court pleadings, examined both sides of the copyright enforcement equation.  Marc Randazza and Ron Coleman are quoted in the lengthy piece, which centers on Righthaven but touches on the RIAA’s litigation campaign, the mass-joinder suits brought by porn studios, and the realities of plaintiff-side copyright enforcement.

Righthaven’s CEO, Steven Gibson, is quoted with the following observation:

“One of the questions for the article is why is it so difficult for copyright owners to hire competent copyright litigation counsel?” he said. “There’s not a lot across the country. Definitely not like personal injury lawyers. You can’t go into the phone book and find a listing. Why is it this difficult? Why isn’t there more copyright litigation?”

Yet, even with Righthaven.com no longer belonging to Nevada’s Righthaven LLC, he is optimistic about the venture’s future.

“Righthaven remains the vehicle for dealing with infringements on the Internet,” Gibson told me recently.

A motion by the EFF seeking personal sanctions against Gibson at a rate of $500 per day is still pending as of this writing.

The problems of online copyright infringement and enforcement are real, and few would argue that there is not some useful role of copyright in society.  These controls, however, cannot and should not completely gobble up protected speech – especially since the 1976 Copyright Act codified fair use in 17 U.S.C. § 107.  Even allowing breathing space for hilarious derivative works, much work needs to be done with respect to fighting infringement, even as the law for doing so remains in flux.

Marc Randazza on Savage Nation

March 14, 2012

By J. DeVoy

Marc Randazza recently did this appearance with Dr. Michael Savage on his nationally syndicated radio show, Savage Nation.  Among the topics discussed were Rush Limbaugh’s latest kerfluffle with Sandra Fluke, and Savage’s banning from the Great Britain due to his critical statements concerning Islam, Muslims and others.  Listen at the link above or download audio from the appearance here.

Dispatches from the front in the primate intellectual property war

July 11, 2011

By J. DeVoy

Monkeys and copyrights have become a topic of fierce debate, and are at the leading edge of the great ongoing war between apes and humanity.

Crime and Federalism shows us why we should respect primate claims to intellectual property.  Please, someone amend the Copyright Act so that we may know peace in our time.

Open letter to Mr. Bardamu: Why won’t you pay for porn?

June 20, 2011

By J. DeVoy

On Ephemeral Notebook, Ferdinand Bardamu – skilled writer and friend of the blog – writes that Kayden Kross’ takedown of pirates won’t make him stop stealing porn.  While “stealing” is an emotionally charged word, and copyright infringement laws only affect uploaders on bittorrent, tubes and file locker sites (assuming, very generously, the latter two are DMCA compliant), that is ultimately what piracy of porn and anything else is about: Getting something for nothing.

I’m fond of Ferdinand, and his primary blog, In Mala Fide, is on our blogroll.  He links to my posts when they’re interesting and not too legal, and I link to his if I think readers here might appreciate them.  I’ve both written for his blog and written him in for the U.S. Senate.  To the extent I call him on the carpet like this, as if our blogs were some rap battle mixtapes, it’s nothing personal – I end up having this discussion with everyone I consider a friend.

So, Ferd:

Why won’t you pay for porn?  Or will you pay, but just for certain subsets of it?

I find that this attitude is common in men of our age.  It is hard to justify paying for something when so much is available for free.  But the shortcomings of these methods are readily apparent as people rave about discovering long-retired actresses whose content has just finally trickled onto some seedy overseas-based site.

What would it take to make you pay?  Is there a technological breakthrough you can think of that would make porn a worthwhile investment?  Or, if you were sued for copyright infringement, how much money would you have to pay before you’d never pirate again – $5,000? $15,000?  Or would it be some other amount on the continuum between a harsh lesson and complete and utter financial ruin?

As a nihilist, it is not your duty to care about whether other people earn a living.  You recognize the broad costs imposed by a coarsening of society.  But, from a self-interested perspective, you can appreciate what the deluge of sex and pornography means for your personal life.  By buying porn, you’re supporting the arts; under an extreme view, it could be like patronage for creators you particularly support, like the Medicis of Renaissance Italy.  Just as Renaissance art was inextricably linked with culture, so too is pornography wrapped into the modern zeitgeist.  Thanks to the lifetime oeuvre of, for example, John “Buttman” Stagliano – someone who risked a lengthy prison term to follow his principles – anal sex is not merely a reality for many men, but expected.  Sure, Stagliano got wealthy in the process, but his work and that of those he influenced have ensured that north of 80% of girls in our age range are up for some greek – and I’m not talking about gyros.  This is just one example of how what happens in porn affects real life, and, from my perspective, is worth preserving.

Again, FB, this isn’t an ax I have to grind with you; I’m not going to stop reading IMF or pull my links because we disagree.  To the extent you deign to acknowledge this letter, I trust you’ll articulate a thoughtful explanation for your positions on the issue.  As someone in the once-target demographic for porn, though, your thought process on this issue is important to understand – mostly because you’ll be able to state it so damn well.

Why the Westboro case should be porn’s victory as well

March 12, 2011

By J. DeVoy

Mark Kernes has an insightful piece at AVN about what the Westboro case (Snyder v. Phelps – read Randazza’s commentary here) means to porn – or should have meant, if the Roberts court wasn’t consciously out to limit the Court’s holding to the facts in Snyder.  Going beyond the political dimension of public concern, why aren’t matters of obvious social interest – measured by ratings, advertising dollars, headlines and column inches – accorded the same level of protection?  By any of those metrics, sex is certainly a matter of factual public interest, yet apparently not accorded the same legal significance.

It’s an interesting read, and Marks’ writing is better than a number of Opinions I’ve read, even from federal judges.  (I won’t name names.)  When I first started writing for this blog, Randazza recommended that I go back and read Kernes’ writings in AVN to get a sense of the industry’s legal history.  I still find Kernes’ pieces to be insightful and well-researched, even if he would politically disagree with me on, well, substantially everything.

ABA 100 Recommendations

December 27, 2010

By Randazza & DeVoy

Every year, the ABA Journal has a run-off of its top 100 Blawgs, which are selected by reader votes.  Others have made their recommendations so far, and now the time has come for us to offer ours.  Indeed, it is our hope to use this blog’s status as last year’s winner in the IMHO category to be the Kingmaker deep into this competition.  If you haven’t voted yet, you can register here, and then vote in each category (links to the categories are in bold).

Here’s the category-by-category breakdown:

Law Biz: What About Clients? Dan Hull is no pussy. If lawyers laid eggs and hatched their young, Randazza would have been in Hull’s nest.  Highly educated and a spirited advocate for his clients, he sees, and has long seen, that the legal marketplace for attorneys old and new is driven by value and versatility, rather than pieces of paper from exclusive schools that don’t teach you anything about legal practice.

News: Above The Law Enough said, and an obvious answer to anyone who reads legal trade news.

Law Prof Plus: This category is the bone that the ABA throws to the academic circle jerk. Most of the blogs in this category, if you waste a little time reading them, make you understand that term. However, Religion Clause, unlike competitors Feminist Law Professors and Brian LeiTTTer’s Law School Reports, is actually useful and insightful. Well, it is useful if you want to learn about the Religion Clause — which we do (and we would assume many of our readers do). It’s much more than useful, it’s great, but when dealing with academics, “utility” is the relevant threshold, and this is one of the rare law professor authored blogs to cross it. Honorable mention, TaxProf Blog, which is useful too. Of course, if the categories were organized properly, Volokh would be in this category, and he would pwn the shit out of it.

Torts: New York Personal Injury Law Blog Well written, prolific, and primarily dealing with one of the major legal markets in the country. However, Turkewitz strays from his yard a lot, bringing insightful commentary to many areas of law that have little to do with personal injury or New York. Don’t let the title scare you away.

IP: TTAB Blog You can actually teach yourself trademark law by reading this blog for 90 days.  Insightful, timely, smartly written, and covering a wide range of topics with appropriate context. John Welch, the author, is a hell of a great guy and blushes when told that certain lawyers got their start in IP law by reading his work.

Criminal Justice: Not Guilty Normally the endorsement might have gone to Simple Justice, but Greenfield would be too busy chasing kids off his lawn and eating disgusting, chalk-flavored Necco wafers to make it to the victory party if he won (assuming it was before his bed time). Besides, Greenfield despises the award and does not wish to win it. Nevertheless, Not Guilty is brilliantly written and a welcome addition to the blogosphere.

For Fun: Corporette A First Amendment attorney who tells women lawyers that they don’t have to dress in pantsuits and potato sacks to be successful.  Sounds fun to me. She’s a First Amendment attorney. We’ve got her back because she’s got the Constitution’s back.

Legal Tech: Tossup – Technology & Marketing Law Blog / Robert Ambrogi’s LawSites Both are strong blogs and we couldn’t pick a favorite.  If you’ve never heard of either of them, be sure to give both a read.

IMHO: Although we are nominated in, and currently leading, in the IMHO category, The Volokh Conspiracy gushes content published daily from leading writers and thinkers, and it is edited by probably the most brilliant legal mind in America and someone who would be a shoo-in for the Supreme Court if we were in charge.  Seriously, what the hell are you doing here?  Although the reading is sometimes a bit eye-glazing, since it consists of so much academic navel gazing, it is still amazing — think of a law journal without all the worthless parts. Volokh’s blog should be in the Law Prof Plus category, but he’s here with us, and there’s no shame in admitting that he’s better.  He has this blog’s collective vote – even over voting for ourselves.

But if our current lead in the competition holds up – and the Legal Satyricon wins again – we will assign the ABA’s award to goatsegirl.  Do not look at that website at work unless we are your employer. Really.  

Giving the credential to a site so vile and bizarre is the only way to properly thank the ABA for the stewardship it has offered this profession.  Between allowing the massive outsourcing of legal work to India, accrediting every toilet law school with a roof, and not even having the stones to categorically refuse accreditation to overseas law schools, goatsegirl seems like a great fit for the ABA, a dysfunctional and self-interested shitbucket of an organization if one ever existed. (more)

That said, we actually love the ABA Blawg directory and the ABA journal, and all the news we can find there. Martha & Debra serve up the only useful functions that the ABA manages to provide.

Blogs that belonged in the list: Popehat, Public Citizen’s CL&P, Citizen Media Law Project, Crime & Federalism, Siouxsie Law, and Spam Notes.

So, if you’ve got the time, register here. And then go vote in each category.

Blog L00t!

September 15, 2010

W00t! W00t! It's the Hayes Blog L00t!

Hola! Chris is back with more L00T!  This is a lovely collection of the best from the friends of the Satyricon this week.

Corporate Stiffness is Bad for Innovation, Particularly in the Tech World

Being a Boston guy, I had to reference this post by Lee Gesmer at the Mass Law Blog.  The post presents the differences between the technology areas of the Rte 128 corridor in Massachusetts and Silicon Valley.  Gesmer points out the massive changes in the tech sector since the 1990s Internet boom in Silicon Valley, and how the region has left the Boston area in the dust.  It really comes down to the corporatist structures in the tech world that put Boston on the map in the 1980s despite lacking the openness and meritocracy of the entrepreneurs in Silicon Valley.  By the mid 90’s, Silicon Valley had left Boston’s tech corridor in the innovation dust, as the open networks and openness in the business culture allowed new ideas to thrive.  Check out the rest of the story at Mass Law Blog here.

Interfaith Projects Should Include Interfaith Religious Text Burnings

Ken Gibson at Windy Pundit appears to draw a different conclusion than most bloggers on the issue of the burning of Korans. Instead of trying to get upset about the burning of a holy text, perhaps we need to make the event more inclusive by burning numerous religious texts of many religions.  As Gibson suggests “barbecuing a cow using Bibles for fuel and using the ashes to draw Mohammed” may not go far enough.  Apparently many more religions should be involved.  Read more here.

Sex Offender Free Zones?

Gideon at A Public Defender blog writes an interesting piece here defending the rights of sex offenders.  This clearly doesn’t happen often so you should check it out.  Apparently, Connecticut has resisted efforts to clamp down on sex offenders by imposing residency restrictions.  Gideon believes that the Nutmeg state should be providing some sort of treatment centers for sex offenders, and it appears CT is seeking to do just that.  However NIMBY activists are on the march. Apparently the righteous residents of Montville, CT have sought to pass an ordinance banning sex offenders from parks, playgrounds and other places children inhabit.  Gideon argues that since we can never completely eradicate sex crimes against children, there may be more effective uses of police resources than standing around the park looking for predators.  See if you’re convinced, I’m not sure if I can get there.

Blog L00T: Another Installment.

September 5, 2010

W00t! W00t! It's the Hayes Blog L00t!

This is Chris, back again for another update of the L00T!  Our blawgers-in-crime have been posting a multitude of sensational stories, stories we’ll think you’ll enjoy reading…

Some Judges Prefer Being on All Fours Rather than Sitting on the Bench

Our first story comes from Above the Law, where David Lat uncovered a salacious story involving “Jungle Fever” – the exact words used by the plaintiff in the ethics complaint.  Apparently, Madam Justice Lori Douglas of the “Manitoba Court of Queen’s Bench Family Division” stepped down because of a pending ethics complaint and a $67 million dollar lawsuit against her and her lawyer husband.  Evidently, Alex Chapman, an African-Canadian man, filed a sexual harassment suit against the couple.  Chapman claims that Justice Douglas’s husband showed him salacious pictures of the judge and encouraged him to bang her.   Chapman alleges that the Justice’s husband suffers from a specific strain of “Jungle Fever”:  he apparently gets off on watching African-Canadian men getting it on with white women. (source).

Cosmo Magazine Prints Articles By Kids Who Know Very Little About Sex

Marty Klein at Sexual Intelligence gets asked all the time to be interviewed about sex.  Normally he says no, no, no, but apparently today he said yes, yes, YES!  Klein submitted to an interview by a magazine that he calls “Young Women Interested in Sex” (YWIS). I am making the assumption that this is referring to Cosmopolitan Magazine. Dr. Klein points out the dilemma with publications that claim to be liberating women, by educating them about sex. Meanwhile the authors choose to classify the sexes through a cacophony of stereotypes about men and women and their accompanying feelings about sex.  The end result is a lack of emphasis on the importance of communication, something critical in a relationship, and more of a focus on trivial issues, which in fact cause more insecurity in a relationship.  Also, apparently “talking during sex” ruins the mood – at least according to YWIS.  You can check out Dr. Klein’s post here, at Sexual Intelligence.

For Those Who Drink POM, You WERE LIED TO.

Michael Atkins at Seattle Trademark Lawyer brings us a tale of the pomegranate-stained hands defense.  Apparently, POM, a maker of pomegranate juice, sued Welch’s for false advertising.  Welch’s made a “100% White Grape Pomegranate” juice, which does not disclose the percentage of any of the juices on the label.  Evidently, Welch’s juice did not contain very much pomegranate juice (allegedly, since we don’t know the exact percentage).  Welch’s subsequently filed a motion for summary judgment asserting an unclean hands defense alleging that POM’s juice isn’t pure either, and in fact had trace amounts of elderberry in it.  ELDERBERRY I TELL YOU! (source)

VIDEO Keeps ‘Em Honest

Backroom dealing has been going on, in Massachusetts especially, since the Mass Bay Colony was started in 1620, we think. Of course, in 1623, the Puritains kicked out the drunkards and womanizers from Plymouth, so they went up to Cape Ann, where they lived happily-ever-after and then built the greasy pole. Fellow Cape Ann native, Robert Ambrogi at Media Law highlights the effectiveness of using video to expose frequent violations in my (and Randazza’s) beloved Commonwealth. These political “leaders” now understand what the cops in the Rodney King video felt like back in ’92, well except for the exhilaration of beating the living shit out of a guy who couldn’t fight back.  Check it out at Media Law:

The Illusion of the American Meritocratic Model:

Conor Friedersdorf tears the veil off of the meritocratic fairy tale of American higher education.  He begins by debunking the argument that kids who excel at elite colleges, because they are “smart” enough to get in, deserve to rule the country. (Although having smart rulers is a welcome change – thank you President Obama) What a lot of people don’t understand is that admission to elite colleges is not necessarily a meritocratic process.  People who have money, parents that are college educated, and students that are attending high schools that regularly send kids to the Ivy League have a disproportionate advantage in admissions. It doesn’t hurt that these kids tend to be well off, not needing a part-time job to sustain themselves or the family on school nights.  Friedersdorf presents an insightful piece about who is really running the country – and why the elites continue to stay in the elite. Read more at the Daily Dish at The Atlantic .

W00t W00t! Return of Blog L00t!

August 29, 2010

W00t! W00t! It's the Hayes Blog L00t!

BLOG LOOT IS BACK (& Better than Ever)
By Christopher Hayes

Blog Loot, as some of you may remember, is a shout out to all of our fellow bloggers fighting the good fight and providing you both useful and useless information on a daily schedule. The following “Loot” is for those who enjoy a little bit of everything.

The “Miller Test Strikes Again”

Marty Klein at Sexual Intelligence highlights the ridiculousness of the “Miller Test”, which we all know is the legal test for determining the obscenity of sexual material. Our lovely tax dollars, during the biggest recession since 1929, were used to prosecute a case against a guy who merely made some DVD’s for adults to enjoy. (Thank you Bush Administration). Klein points out the contradictory nature of a law where the mere depiction of a legal activity can be illegal. In his own words: “sex is so special, that we’re not allowed to see or hear about things that we’re allowed to do.” The Satyricon also wrote about the dismissal of the US v. Stagliano on July 16th, but Klein goes deeper by highlighting the problem of censorship, where someone can be sent to prison for making a videotape of something that is technically legal. Makes you wonder about that First Amendment doesn’t it? Although I’m still conflicted about “2 girls, 1 cup.” Were those girls doing it for drugs or what?

Check it out over at “America Wins, Government Loses Huge Obscenity Trial” with props to Dr. Marty Klein @ Sexual Intelligence for his thought provoking analysis.

Once a Marine, Always a Marine?

Our next Case brings us into trademark law, a favorite topic in these here parts. John Welch, over at the “TTABlog” comments on the case In re Eagle Crest, Inc. The case in question hinged over Eagle Crest’s (a clothing company) attempts to register the trademark “Once a Marine, Always a Marine” for their manufactured clothing items. Interestingly, other common Marine expressions like “Hooah” and “Gung Ho” are also owned trademarks. Welch points out the difficultly in drawing the line between unregistrable common phrases and registrable ones. Why should “Once a Marine, Always a Marine” be in the public domain and unregistrable, but “Hooah” can be bought and sold? (source)

Shiny Happy People Love Twitter

Venkat, at SPAM NOTES, highlights the differences between the types of people who tweet, and those who blog. Venkat argues that Twitter posts are overwhelmingly positive in nature because negative remarks lead to fewer followers (according to research.). On the other hand, Venkat points out that in blogging, particularly in the political blogosphere, many of the better blog posts involve “skewering someone.”

I’ve never caught onto this whole twitter thing – I mean what critical thinking goes into “I’m hanging out at the mall” or “ I just masturbated”. Why do I care, and how long would that keep my attention? 3 seconds? Randazza is a notorious twitter hater (source). Apparently it runs in his family.

A blog post may not keep my mental consciousness much longer, but it just might if it’s making fun of someone or something. Basically I’m a sucker for anyone bashing anyone, particularly if it’s an issue I care about. That’s the nature of being human – someone dissecting someone and destroying him or her is always going to be infinitely more interesting than someone kissing someone’s ass. Probably because people are doing too much ass kissing in their own life, that they don’t want to read about it. Never fear though, there’s plenty of drama on Twitter — as we reported here, here, and some fool tried to start up here, getting Randazzapwned in the process.

Check Venkat’s article here.

Bad Haircuts Can Cause You to Get Punched In the Face

Popehat tells us about a kid who likes to wear a stupid looking, some might say hideous, haircut. However, the local middle school in a Texas town says this kid isn’t allowed to wear a hideous haircut because “that might bring attention to them” and a bully may punch them in the face for looking retarded.

I’m disappointed that there is no photo of the kid, but I guess since the kid is 12 we are SOL. Apparently even Justin Bieber or Anton Chigurh (no idea who that is) would not wear this haircut. On a side note: I hate Justin Bieber, so that is part of what attracted me to this blog post. Anyways, Ken, at Popehat, rightly points out that no matter how conformist you look, a bully is going to pick you out of the crowd – particularly if you are the type of person who was planning on wearing a hideous haircut to school in order to look different. The deeper question is whether a public school district should be enforcing conformity… Popehat wonders if this is really a ploy to limit other “non conformist ideas” from disseminating in a place of learning. I wouldn’t be surprised, it is TEXAS after all. So much for bucking broncos, cowboys, and rugged individuality – at least at Godley Middle School. (source)

Who dates porn actresses, anyway?

February 23, 2010

By J. DeVoy

Everyone has seen perfectly formed, almost impossibly figured adult actresses on the screen – or more likely in flash video frames on computer screens – but few know about their lives off the set.  Porn stars do have public lives at events like the AVN and Xbiz awards, and Adult Entertainment Expo, but these seem more like extensions of their profession than an unvarnished view of them as people.

Details magazine recently ran a revealing piece about relationships between adult actresses and their husbands who work outside the industry.  On the whole, these seem like normal middle-class guys, including a driver, a bouncer and a graphic designer.  The relationships appear healthy as well, with husbands and boyfriends resigned to their wives proclivities and work-induced limitations as all male partners are wont to do — except that here, it involves porn.

Some of the vignettes, such as dealing with parent-teacher conferences, are heartwarming.  The article’s subjects stop being attached to the adult entertainment industry and are seen as the regular people they are, with logistical issues and split domestic duties like every other household.  Some stories, however, are a bit more jarring and career-specific.

“I got a text message from her that said ‘I’ve been ripped,'” he recalls. Skyline had been shooting a scene with Billy Glide, a porn star who’s nicknamed the Human Wine Bottle, and his oversize penis tore the inside of her vagina.

Brown knew the drill. “Get that text and you know it’s no sex for a few days,” he says, rolling his eyes. “I constantly made Epsom-salt baths and forced her to get in. It burns the cut but also helps it to heal faster.”

Still, the undertones of caring are readily apparent even in that tale.  Epsom-salt baths, foot rubs, back massages and listening attentively to work gossip are all sides of the same freakishly large Dungeons & Dragons die you thought you left behind forever in your parents’ basement.

The article’s shortcoming is its focus on actresses having functional relationships with men outside the industry.  Some relationships, whether related to pornography or not, aren’t as functional as the ones detailed in the article.  Additionally, some women and men eschew committed relationships in favor of the soft polygamy of modern dating.

Marc Randazza previously offered a more comprehensive view of porn couples.  Holding the female variant constant, with a slight expansion to include strippers with adult actresses, he fully addresses the most common male archetypes romantically linked to women in the biz.

The Roughneck — Bikers, bouncers, etc. Sometimes they are even co-stars with them or got them into the field. Usually a little older. For these guys, having a girl who does porn is a sort of “accessory” to their personality. Interestingly enough, these seem to be the happiest porn relationships. However, they *can* explode at a moment’s notice. Also, the male must constantly defend his territory against other alpha males. When these relationships last for more than five years, they usually hold on permanently.

The Savior — the guy who got involved with her to try and save her from the biz, The savior is usually a loser in his regular life. He can’t take care of a normal woman, so he figures if all he has to do to “save” his girlfriend is get her out of the porn industry, that’s an easy bar to jump over. The richer, the more bummed out he is. A poor “savior” might come to accept that his girlfriend’s vagina keeps a roof over both their heads. The wealthy savior loses his mind when his woman misses the extra perks of the scene and goes back to dancing or porn despite the fact that the Savior has handed her an unlimited amount of money.

The Agent — the guy who thinks that he can manage her career. Related to the Savior and the Roughneck, and can be misidentified as one or the other. However, this guy is really grooving on the fact that he’s getting porn/stripper ass and is convinced that his woman is the next Jenna Jameson. However, just like every parent thinks their kid is gifted, he can’t see that his girl is just another one in the faceless crowd. The Agent usually winds up wrecking his girl’s career because nobody wants to deal with this shitbag hanging around.

The Patient Cuckold – the second most well-adjusted and happy of the industry men (after the Roughneck). He loves his woman enough that she can walk all over him. He doesn’t like what she does, but accepts it as the cost of being with her. He figures if he can hold out for a few years, she’ll eventually wash out of the business, and then they’ll go open a carpet store or a restaurant or live some other kind of anonymous life together. Interestingly enough, this plan usually works.

The Guido — a sub-species of the roughneck. However, he is usually a well-off trust fund guy with a small dick who spends too much time in the gym. Almost always Italian or Jewish, but occasionally Middle Eastern. If Middle Eastern, he will adopt an Italian “nickname” and pretend to be Italian. If Jewish, will adopt stereotypical Italian mannerisms, but not actually claim to be Italian. Often a younger bouncer, a DJ, a doorman, or works at the girl’s gym. Wants people to think he is “connected,” but if anyone who had anything to do with organized crime spent more than 10 minutes with him, they would either kill him or get arrested because of him. Doesn’t last long unless he slacks off on his physical training once he snags a porn chick – then he hangs on for dear life in a sick version of the Cuckold, but his internal anger never allows him to be a happy one. While the Roughneck has a porn chick as an accessory to his personality, the Guido has one as an actual fashion accessory. The sort of guy who will spend $800 on a Dolce Gabbana belt, but thinks that college tuition is a stupid waste of money. Often closeted gay, the porn chick is a way to try and convince the world (and himself) that he isn’t really gay.

The Bottom – a rare species that exists only in BDSM relationships. She tells him what to do and he does it … and he likes it that way. Not the same as the Cuckold, although they may share characteristics. The Cuckold is a patient man waiting for the tide to change. The bottom likes things the way that they are, and for now, they are the way his porn/stripper chick tells him. She may even make him clean her after shoots.

The Daddy – Older guy who “takes care” of a porn chick. Sometimes an older Bottom or Patient Cuckold. If his first foray into porn talent, he’s simply older, has a few bucks, and doesn’t mind what she does, simply because he’s about to die anyway. In these relationships, she almost always has another boyfriend — usually a Guido. Sometimes, he might be the owner or manager of the club where she dances. If she is bisexual, he will last longer, since she’ll get her fill of youth from other women and won’t mind the fact that he has old sagging balls.

The Pimp – a complete low-life. Unfortunately, extremely common. He may have gotten her into the biz. He lives off of her income while his “screenplay is being shopped”, “business venture” is getting off the ground, while he is getting “investors” together, etc. He always has a plan — that plan is never actually moving forward. The kind of guy who says “you think you’re smart? I’m one class away from six masters’ degrees, you know.” Related to the Agent, but couldn’t give a shit about her actual career. He is a deadbeat/parasite and he’s why she has no money all the time. Can transform into an Agent, but usually not. Discourages her from leaving the biz, even if she wants to. Often moves from porn chick to porn chick.

This list offers an illuminating look into the divergence of being alpha (Pimp, Roughneck, Guido) or beta (Bottom, Cuckold) as a dating and potential reproductive strategy.  For male readers, the roles available to you are clearly defined.  Determine which one best suits you and begin fulfilling it. 

ADDITION: The Swinger / Political Porn Husband This is a species that is so rare, that many in the industry can go their entire lives and never spot one in the wild. However, a good friend of Randazza’s just reminded him of this specimen. The Swinger is one who is so committed to the swinging lifestyle that he sees his woman’s fucking on film to be either a mere exercise of their open relationship or that he enjoys the fact that her doing it gives a middle finger to the conservative values that look down on such conduct. Extremely rare.

One final note about dating women in porn: Considering America’s bizarre vilification of sex, porn stars are more likely to be “clean” – in every sense – than a girl you pick up in a bar. Ehow specifically states that STD testing is a required condition of getting into mainstream porn.  Sometimes incidents do occur, but they are incidents merely because of how rare and isolated they are.  According to a 2007 Village Voice article, “The industry now requires that all performers arrive on a set with an AIM test [Ed.’s note: an industry-standard comprhensive STD test]
no older than 30 days with negative results for HIV, chlamydia, and gonorrhea.”  I defy girls in college towns and big cities who are picked up by guys on a regular basis to do the same.

Update on speech code discussion

January 20, 2010

By J. DeVoy

A few days ago I wrote about Danielle Citron‘s proposals and participation in an AALS panel about student speech and character and fitness review.  Though I disagreed with some of her proposals, we did find some common ground in that piece’s commentary.  I also extended an olive branch by requesting Professor Citron as a facebook friend.  From my news feed today:

I appreciate the gesture and the collegiality it implies.  Given how little we at The Legal Satyricon care about offending others, it’s nice to see we can all get along with one another.

Why did we try so hard in the ABA Blawg 100 competition?

January 15, 2010

By J. DeVoy

This is the award we should have been vying for.  Elegant in its simplicity and actually funny, Bhetti‘s commendation has singled out In Mala Fide and OneSTDV (a personal favorite) for kudos, but not The Legal Satyricon.  What. The. Fuck.  I imagine Bardamu is sitting in some swivel chair from Target as he reads this, clumsily dancing and singing along like Eric Cartman does to so many popular songs.

If awards could be so obscure and hilarious, there would have been no need to escalate with John Turley over the ABA competition.  Alas, lawyers are boring and uncreative, so it’s no surprise that a Med student pwned us hard.

Then again, with the ubiquity of online trophy ordering for any damn thing, The Legal Satyricon can make its own awards, to the point of devaluing the very idea of trophies.  With the demise of formal recognition, a new regime of praise can be ushered in — perhaps Satyricon plaudits, a commodity that can only rise in value.  Whatever the case, watch your back, Ferdinand.  Haters gonna hate.

Where in the world is Marc Randazza?

January 13, 2010

By J. DeVoy

Delivering medicine to starving children in pestilence-riddled lands.  Ending modern-day economic apartheid that harms groups like coffee growers and the Zapatistas of southern Mexico.  Saving the environment.  These are all things Marc Randazza doesn’t do when he travels.

I received news of Marco “Polo” Randazza’s travels this afternoon when a falcon came to my open window with a crumpled piece of papyrus grasped tightly in its claw.  It promptly died as I unfolded the note it was carrying.  It turns out that our fearless editor is in Costa Rica, the land of dinosaurs.

It was trains planes and automobiles to get where i am. Two fuckin’ days, a night in San Jose, a single-engine cessna to a jungle landing strip, then an hour down a dirt road to east bumfuckistan.  And it’s fucking beautiful.

At last, the mystery was revealed.  But a larger question arose – what was he doing there?  Like the Necronomicon, the letter was written in what could only be human blood.  Hopefully, for his sake, it was that of his slain “ass hat” opponents.  It seems that the trip hadn’t been without incident, either:

The plane’s collison warning system was screaming for 10 minutes as we flew through some mountain pass.


All that potential for a reenactment of Alive, too.

Since I received the message, he must be alright, or at least been alright.  As for why he’s in Costa Rica, my money’s on starting a military junta — he didn’t call us lacky bloggers the “Satyriconistas” for nothing.  Whatever the case, I hope the natives are hot.

In grand Inspector Gadget fashion, the message self-destructed after reading.

Random Thoughts

December 18, 2009

Someone stole the Arbeit Macht Frei sign from Auschwitz. What in the hell are they going to DO with it? Put it on the mantle? Observers are calling it an act of anti-semitism, which seems a little bit strange to me. It is anti-semitic to wreck a piece of a concentration camp? Who knew.

I welcome our new Persian overlords. Okay, not really… but it seems that some Iranians hacked into Twitter and shut it down for a little while. My only complaint? That they didn’t just shut the stupid fad down permanently.

Not only is gay marriage now legal in the District of Columbia, but Mayor Fenty signed the bill in a church. Of course, Congress has the authority to override DC municipal ordinances, so you can expect some serious screaming from the MSZJ fundamentalists in Congress come January.

And the health care bill is held up because of kvetching about federal abortion funding. I’m all for the right to choose (although I don’t personally support the choice to abort). But, if I didn’t get to be there for the sex, why should I have to pay for the abortion? The government should give out free norplant, condoms, vasectomies, IUD devices, and tubal ligation surgeries, but abortions? Pay for that crap yourself, deadbeat.

One Nation “Under God” in Picture Book Form

October 10, 2009

This is all kinds of awesome. Use the scroll over function.

I found this at Shit Planet. That blog brings us the eternal question, which is more amusing? The Legal Satyricon or watching a guy shove his own balls up his own ass?