Top Ten Reasons to Restrict Minors’ Access to Library Books About Sex

Our special guest, Dr. Marty Klein is the author of the book, America's War on Sex and the blog Sexual Intelligence. Click his face to see his amazing blog.

By Marty Klein, Ph.D
Special Guest to the Legal Satyricon

The Topeka and Shawnee County (Kansas) Public Library’s Board of Trustees voted last week to restrict minors’ access to four books: “Sex for Busy People,” “The Lesbian Kama Sutra,” “The Joy of Sex” and “The Joy of Gay Sex.” They deemed the material “harmful to minors.”

Here are ten reasons to support this ban:

10. Most minors have never heard of sex, and these books would confuse them.

9. The books would encourage minors to have intercourse, increasing demand for condoms and therefore the price—oh wait, Kansas kids are told condoms don’t work. Never mind.

8. If minors want to look at sexy books and pictures, they should just go to their parents’ night-table.

7. One local pastor testifying for the ban objected to “exposing our youngsters to this”–and then read explicit lines from a book not being challenged. Using this logic, Kansas book-banners are like Iranian book-banners.

6. Book banning is better than book burning, because book burning causes air pollution.

5. Only kids who can’t use computers read books. Kids should learn to use the internet, which has plenty of information about sex, all of it completely reliable.

4. TV viewing is declining, hurting advertising and therefore the economy. If kids want information about sex, they can look at music videos. This will also increase their vocabulary.

3. Better yet, minors can go to the Parents Television Council website for video clips of the sexiest shows of the week, here and here.

2. Kansas kids can learn about sex furtively, like their parents did–after all, the lack of intelligent sex education never hurt them. That’s why the state Attorney General tried to close Planned Parenthood last year, a state senator tried to shut down the highly-respected University of Kansas sexuality course, and Shirley Phelps of the local Westboro Baptist Church has demonostrated at over 100 military funerals about God hating America’s “tolerance” of homosexuality.

And the #1 reason to support restricting minors’ access to these library books…

1. If we want our kids to read stories about sex, we’ll give them the Bible.

Where book learnin' ain't nothin' but a lib'rul theory!

Top Ten Reasons Gay Marriage is Wrong

By Janelle Randazza,
Special to the Legal Satyricon
(Update, Janelle informs me that she did not author this, but merely adapted it from a previously-written list. Still, funny)

01) Being gay is not natural. Real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning.

02) Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall (’cause it’s working for me, I tell ya) or hanging around Italians will turn you into a WOP.

03) Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract. I, for one, want to marry my office chair.

04) Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn’t changed at all; women are still property (I happen to come with a couple of sheep. Any takers?), blacks still can’t marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.

05) Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Britany Spears’ 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed and people may start cheating on their spouses… oh, wait a minute.

06) Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn’t be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren’t full yet, and the world needs more children. And if you don’t plan on having children, you should be burned at the stake.

07) Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.

08) Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That’s why we have only one religion in America.

09) Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That’s why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.

10) Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven’t adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans.

WE HAVE A WINNAH!!!!!

To celebrate the Legal Satyricon’s breaking of the 100,000 visit barrier, I offered to give a free copy of America’s War on Sex, by Dr. Marty Klein to the reader who submitted the best picture commemorating the occasion.

One of my most prized students, Kevin Wimberly of Orlando, Florida is now forever tarnished as the recipient of an award from The Legal Satyricon. (That should haunt him during his character and fitness examination)

Ladies and gentlemen… I do not think that anything can possibly top this. Divinely inspired. Here is the winning entry!

Note: I have sadly gotten an “I don’t get it” comment… oh, kids these days. This is so clever because it is a parody of a parody, which led to the case, which led to the film, which inspired me to become a First Amendment attorney.

Second Prize goes to A.L. of Tallahassee, Florida for this dual tribute to the Colbert Report and to the Legal Satyricon. (she gets a copy of America’s War on Sex as well).

And since everyone’s a winner at Nixon Peabody and at the Legal Satyricon, the next eight entries all get an honorable mention.

The remaining entries totally sucked, and they get nothing (and may god have mercy on their souls).

Now don’t lose heart! If you were planning to submit one anyhow, I have decided that I will do this for every “milestone.” So keep them coming you Satyriholics! (not to be confused with “cockaholics“) Just put in a momentous number (please, at least intervals of 25,000 at this point).

Top Ten Worst Prosecutors

10 Worst US Prosecutors

I can’t claim authorship for this — that, and the Brass Balls award for the month goes to Bob Bennett!

Quinella Top Ten List – Top 10 Reasons For Having Sex

I can’t stop laughing at this story.

Researchers at the University of Texas spent five years and their own money studying the reasons that college students engage in sexual activity. (source) Neat idea. I mean, I suppose that I always thought the answer was pretty simple. However, there were some pretty complex reasons given.

Some were “pretty shocking,” [one of the researchers] said, such as “I wanted to give someone else a sexually transmitted disease.” She said she also was surprised that some people said they had sex because “I wanted to get closer to God.” (source)

Top Ten Ways to Stop Genericidists (They who commit acts of Genericide upon Trademarks)

Top Ten Ways to Stop Genericidists (They who commit acts of Genericide upon Trademarks)

Top Ten Reasons that that the USPTO no longer takes note of the facts when issuing Office Actions

I belong to a Trademark Lawyer’s newsgroup. One of my friends on that group (who will remain un-named) made the following understatement of the year:

“I have noticed Office Actions quoting right out of the TMEP, and apparently taking little note of the facts.”

I called the USPTO to ask them what they thought of this statement.

After pressing option 1, 5, 9, and then pressing zero five hundred times, I was connected to someone in a position of authority at the USPTO. I reported this comment to them, and they said that they knew about this situation and were just about to release a statement on it.

I asked if they would please provide me with a copy, and the courteously sent me the following press release on this “problem.”

Top Ten Reasons that that the USPTO no longer takes note of the facts when issuing Office Actions:

Is Disney Bringing Back Jim Crow?

Apparently four black teens were ejected from Downtown Disney for… wait for it…. loitering under Disney’s new “anti-gang, no-loitering policy.” Read here.

One also “made ‘kind of smart remarks’ to Disney security.” For this, they were detained, photographed and fingerprinted. The penalty for not respecting Walt’s authoritah? Banned for life from Disney property.

Seriously, how in the hell can you bust anyone for loitering in Downtown Disney? Isn’t that what the place is for?

Well, looks like the Fascist Mouse really stepped in it this time. While four black youths being harassed by bigoted peckerwoods isn’t anything rare, this time they just might get called on it. One of these “dangerous” youths who refused to respect Disney’s authoritah is the son of a civil rights lawyer.

That’s right. If Mickey wants to sing “Damn it Feels Good to be a Gangsta,” he had better make sure that the kids he is mistreating are actually powerless and poor. Oh no Pluto! One of their dad’s is a lawyer!

Nobody has organized a boycott yet… but I avoid that place anyhow. Talk about pre-packaged, shrink-wrapped, garbage culture. Disney is the kind of place that makes me wish that the movie Fight Club was real.

Interestingly enough, I was prowling around Disney’s corporate offices the other day, and found this document in a folder marked “Classified.”

Top Ten New Ideas for Disney World! (after the jump)