“Satan was the first to demand equal rights” – He’s always been the good guy.

This actually sounds accurate.

This actually sounds accurate.

In Knoxville, Tennessee, a Christian church put up what proved to be a controversial sign. The sign read, “Remember, Satan was the first to demand equal rights.”

And a shitstorm ensued, of course. Some people found this to be a swipe at gays seeking equal rights. (source)

I think, however, they’re looking at it the wrong way.

Lets look at Christian mythology. Who is this “God” character, and who is this “Satan” guy? Lets look at it with a little bit of a critical eye. The first thing we need to remember is that the victors write the history books. So, you’ve got to look at the Bible as a piece of propaganda for the winning side. Of course the book that God wrote is going to make him the protagonist. But, even his own complete control over the message isn’t enough to cover up his defects. Sort of like North Korean propaganda. It might control the message, but it still doesn’t make Kim Jong Un look good.

First off, God apparently created everything. He created Tyrannosaurus Rex, which had arms too short to masturbate. Then, he created us, with arms long enough to play with our genitals, and hands that are pretty damn well suited to it. He gave us the capacity to feel pleasure, and he gave us the desire to chase it. He gave us a thirst for knowledge. He gave us a lot of great stuff.

But, he demanded that we not use any of it. Oh, and he demanded that we love him.

Doesn’t that sound a little bit twisted to you?

This God character sounds more like the psychological profile you’d get if you went to a high school, found the meanest 16 year old cheerleader, and told her that she had absolute power. Imagine if Saddam Hussein could shoot lightning out of his eyes.

But, its even sicker than that.

God creates a “tree of knowledge.” He makes us totally ignorant. He then plants the tree of knowledge where? Is it a thousand miles from the Garden of Eden? Nope. Does it have a fence around it? Nope. It is right smack in the middle of the paradise he made for us. He then says, “you can eat all this shit, pears, durians, blackberries, anything! But I will fuck your shit up if you eat this fruit that cures your ignorance.”

He watches us all the time, like the NSA. Oh yeah, he’s watching. Like the Elf on the Shelf and Dick Cheney.

Oh, and he DEMANDS that we love him. If you don’t love me, I’ll burn your ass forever and ever. That sounds more like a stalker than an omniscient being worthy of being praised or worshipped. At best, he’s just got a sick sense of humor. But, “love me or I burn you” is just totally cray cray.

On the other hand, we have this Satan guy.

Maybe he's not so bad after all.

Maybe he’s not so bad after all.

Satan likes us. Satan doesn’t mind if we enjoy ourselves. Satan doesn’t care if we love him or not. He’s there if we want him. Oh, and he suggests that maybe, just maybe, we ought to come out of the shadows of ignorance and eat from the tree of knowledge. From what I can tell from the mythology, Satan doesn’t watch us unless we request it. Opt-in surveillance, free will, enjoy yourself, and don’t be ignorant.

Does that sound like the bad guy to you?

Satan sounds more like Prometheus than the Cylon lord. It sounds like he gave us the gift of rational thought. It is because of him that we can question and reason. Meanwhile, God wanted to keep that from us. What a dick.

The whole Jesus thing doesn’t help his case any. God “sends his only son” to Earth. But, if you read the text, what really happened is he came to Earth and knocked up a married woman. So he cuckolds poor Joseph, then Joseph is stuck raising this other guy’s son. Then, God figures he can kill Jesus FOR US? That doesn’t even make any frigging sense.

If you read between the lines, God came to Earth like so many gods before him, and wanted to get him some mortal trim. He screws Mary, knocks her up, and it takes him 33 years to figure out how the hell to clean up this mess.

Meanwhile, does Satan have any such acts on his record?


Gives us knowledge and avoids engaging in propaganda.  Does that sound like the bad guy?

Gives us knowledge and avoids engaging in propaganda. Does that sound like the bad guy?

In fact, Satan showed up in the garden of Eden, and had all this power of suggestion. There’s the hottest chick in the world standing there. Well, the ONLY chick, I guess, but whatever. Eve is there, naked and completely ignorant. Does Satan take advantage and fuck her? No. Hell, the word “rape” doesn’t even exist yet, so he could have conned her, forced her, whatever. Instead, he gives her a gift that allows her to engage in freedom of thought.

In more modern times, when Satan comes to earth, he shows up at the crossroads in Mississippi and makes someone into a great musician. Or he plays in a heavy metal band. Or he whispers in our ear, “go ahead and jerk off watching that donkey show – if you want to.”

God commits genocide at Sodom and Gomorrah. He floods the whole world, because he isn’t quite happy with how his creations are kissing his ass, or not doing so. He is the one who casts souls into the eternal pit of hell. Satan seems to just hang out there making the best of it. And how did Satan get there? Oh, just by rebelling against a despot. Sounds like Nelson Mandela and Thomas Jefferson were “satanists” too – at least in spirit.

And now, we have a pastor saying that Satan was the first to demand equal rights. Well, it sure sounds consistent with the mythology to me. In fact, given the history between these two beings, it makes perfect sense that Satan would be the forward-looking proponent of equality.

Not that I advocate worshipping anyone or anything, but if you’re going to buy in to christian mythology, you might want to reconsider which of the characters is actually the good guy.

At least one pastor in Tennessee seems to agree with me.

14 Responses to “Satan was the first to demand equal rights” – He’s always been the good guy.

  1. CPlatt says:

    Analysis totally accurate, but think of Christian fundamentalists as suffering from Stockholm Syndrome. When kidnapped and held hostage by a maniac, they learn to love him.

  2. This is one of your finest pieces of writing ever, Marc. :)

  3. Jay E. says:

    If you’re going to mock a belief system, at least get the source material right.

    • I stand at the ready to be corrected, if you want to point out the errors.

      • Dan Roth says:

        I’d say the biggest disagreement is over the understanding of “knowledge”. The problem was not knowing about good and evil. They obviously already knew about evil because they knew they had a choice to disobey – it was God who gave them that knowledge. The problem was gaining experiential knowledge through actual disobedience. (reference the distinction in German between “kennen” and “wissen”)

  4. Rory Hewitt says:

    Just remember the Mark Twain quote “Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.”… So it might be a little toastier down South. Just sayin’

  5. jackn2 says:

    Nice post.

  6. spilk says:

    If God is myth how is it you define Satan as real? To define one, the other must exist. If Satan exists then God exists. The reason you have the option of choosing Satan or choosing God is because at creation He gave us free thought and free will.

    • Well, I consider both to be myths – but, if you subscribe to the myth, I say you might want to reconsider who is on the side of righteousness.

      • spilk says:

        Both a myth? I’m unable to categorize good and evil as myth if only based on my experiences in life.

  7. Richard Hung says:

    Yeah, and Lilith, Eve’s predecessor, was demonized (literally) for demanding equal rights. Nobody talks about how Lilith refused to lie “beneath” Adam and was cast out. Eve, constructed from Adam’s rib, was intended to be subservient to Adam, since Adam had whined to God about Lilith.


    I had no idea until I reread this she also banged an archangel. Way to go Lilith!

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