Who dates porn actresses, anyway?

By J. DeVoy

Everyone has seen perfectly formed, almost impossibly figured adult actresses on the screen – or more likely in flash video frames on computer screens – but few know about their lives off the set.  Porn stars do have public lives at events like the AVN and Xbiz awards, and Adult Entertainment Expo, but these seem more like extensions of their profession than an unvarnished view of them as people.

Details magazine recently ran a revealing piece about relationships between adult actresses and their husbands who work outside the industry.  On the whole, these seem like normal middle-class guys, including a driver, a bouncer and a graphic designer.  The relationships appear healthy as well, with husbands and boyfriends resigned to their wives proclivities and work-induced limitations as all male partners are wont to do — except that here, it involves porn.

Some of the vignettes, such as dealing with parent-teacher conferences, are heartwarming.  The article’s subjects stop being attached to the adult entertainment industry and are seen as the regular people they are, with logistical issues and split domestic duties like every other household.  Some stories, however, are a bit more jarring and career-specific.

“I got a text message from her that said ‘I’ve been ripped,'” he recalls. Skyline had been shooting a scene with Billy Glide, a porn star who’s nicknamed the Human Wine Bottle, and his oversize penis tore the inside of her vagina.

Brown knew the drill. “Get that text and you know it’s no sex for a few days,” he says, rolling his eyes. “I constantly made Epsom-salt baths and forced her to get in. It burns the cut but also helps it to heal faster.”

Still, the undertones of caring are readily apparent even in that tale.  Epsom-salt baths, foot rubs, back massages and listening attentively to work gossip are all sides of the same freakishly large Dungeons & Dragons die you thought you left behind forever in your parents’ basement.

The article’s shortcoming is its focus on actresses having functional relationships with men outside the industry.  Some relationships, whether related to pornography or not, aren’t as functional as the ones detailed in the article.  Additionally, some women and men eschew committed relationships in favor of the soft polygamy of modern dating.

Marc Randazza previously offered a more comprehensive view of porn couples.  Holding the female variant constant, with a slight expansion to include strippers with adult actresses, he fully addresses the most common male archetypes romantically linked to women in the biz.

The Roughneck — Bikers, bouncers, etc. Sometimes they are even co-stars with them or got them into the field. Usually a little older. For these guys, having a girl who does porn is a sort of “accessory” to their personality. Interestingly enough, these seem to be the happiest porn relationships. However, they *can* explode at a moment’s notice. Also, the male must constantly defend his territory against other alpha males. When these relationships last for more than five years, they usually hold on permanently.

The Savior — the guy who got involved with her to try and save her from the biz, The savior is usually a loser in his regular life. He can’t take care of a normal woman, so he figures if all he has to do to “save” his girlfriend is get her out of the porn industry, that’s an easy bar to jump over. The richer, the more bummed out he is. A poor “savior” might come to accept that his girlfriend’s vagina keeps a roof over both their heads. The wealthy savior loses his mind when his woman misses the extra perks of the scene and goes back to dancing or porn despite the fact that the Savior has handed her an unlimited amount of money.

The Agent — the guy who thinks that he can manage her career. Related to the Savior and the Roughneck, and can be misidentified as one or the other. However, this guy is really grooving on the fact that he’s getting porn/stripper ass and is convinced that his woman is the next Jenna Jameson. However, just like every parent thinks their kid is gifted, he can’t see that his girl is just another one in the faceless crowd. The Agent usually winds up wrecking his girl’s career because nobody wants to deal with this shitbag hanging around.

The Patient Cuckold – the second most well-adjusted and happy of the industry men (after the Roughneck). He loves his woman enough that she can walk all over him. He doesn’t like what she does, but accepts it as the cost of being with her. He figures if he can hold out for a few years, she’ll eventually wash out of the business, and then they’ll go open a carpet store or a restaurant or live some other kind of anonymous life together. Interestingly enough, this plan usually works.

The Guido — a sub-species of the roughneck. However, he is usually a well-off trust fund guy with a small dick who spends too much time in the gym. Almost always Italian or Jewish, but occasionally Middle Eastern. If Middle Eastern, he will adopt an Italian “nickname” and pretend to be Italian. If Jewish, will adopt stereotypical Italian mannerisms, but not actually claim to be Italian. Often a younger bouncer, a DJ, a doorman, or works at the girl’s gym. Wants people to think he is “connected,” but if anyone who had anything to do with organized crime spent more than 10 minutes with him, they would either kill him or get arrested because of him. Doesn’t last long unless he slacks off on his physical training once he snags a porn chick – then he hangs on for dear life in a sick version of the Cuckold, but his internal anger never allows him to be a happy one. While the Roughneck has a porn chick as an accessory to his personality, the Guido has one as an actual fashion accessory. The sort of guy who will spend $800 on a Dolce Gabbana belt, but thinks that college tuition is a stupid waste of money. Often closeted gay, the porn chick is a way to try and convince the world (and himself) that he isn’t really gay.

The Bottom – a rare species that exists only in BDSM relationships. She tells him what to do and he does it … and he likes it that way. Not the same as the Cuckold, although they may share characteristics. The Cuckold is a patient man waiting for the tide to change. The bottom likes things the way that they are, and for now, they are the way his porn/stripper chick tells him. She may even make him clean her after shoots.

The Daddy – Older guy who “takes care” of a porn chick. Sometimes an older Bottom or Patient Cuckold. If his first foray into porn talent, he’s simply older, has a few bucks, and doesn’t mind what she does, simply because he’s about to die anyway. In these relationships, she almost always has another boyfriend — usually a Guido. Sometimes, he might be the owner or manager of the club where she dances. If she is bisexual, he will last longer, since she’ll get her fill of youth from other women and won’t mind the fact that he has old sagging balls.

The Pimp – a complete low-life. Unfortunately, extremely common. He may have gotten her into the biz. He lives off of her income while his “screenplay is being shopped”, “business venture” is getting off the ground, while he is getting “investors” together, etc. He always has a plan — that plan is never actually moving forward. The kind of guy who says “you think you’re smart? I’m one class away from six masters’ degrees, you know.” Related to the Agent, but couldn’t give a shit about her actual career. He is a deadbeat/parasite and he’s why she has no money all the time. Can transform into an Agent, but usually not. Discourages her from leaving the biz, even if she wants to. Often moves from porn chick to porn chick.

This list offers an illuminating look into the divergence of being alpha (Pimp, Roughneck, Guido) or beta (Bottom, Cuckold) as a dating and potential reproductive strategy.  For male readers, the roles available to you are clearly defined.  Determine which one best suits you and begin fulfilling it. 

ADDITION: The Swinger / Political Porn Husband This is a species that is so rare, that many in the industry can go their entire lives and never spot one in the wild. However, a good friend of Randazza’s just reminded him of this specimen. The Swinger is one who is so committed to the swinging lifestyle that he sees his woman’s fucking on film to be either a mere exercise of their open relationship or that he enjoys the fact that her doing it gives a middle finger to the conservative values that look down on such conduct. Extremely rare.

One final note about dating women in porn: Considering America’s bizarre vilification of sex, porn stars are more likely to be “clean” – in every sense – than a girl you pick up in a bar. Ehow specifically states that STD testing is a required condition of getting into mainstream porn.  Sometimes incidents do occur, but they are incidents merely because of how rare and isolated they are.  According to a 2007 Village Voice article, “The industry now requires that all performers arrive on a set with an AIM test [Ed.’s note: an industry-standard comprhensive STD test]
no older than 30 days with negative results for HIV, chlamydia, and gonorrhea.”  I defy girls in college towns and big cities who are picked up by guys on a regular basis to do the same.