The Dumbest Move Since Drafting Ken Sims

If they're going to act like the old Patriots, they should at least bring back the way cooler old logo

The Patriots are back!

I mean the OLD Patriots. The New England Patriots I grew up with. You may remember them — talent-laden teams that chalked up miserable season after miserable season because of abjectly stupid ownership and management. Remember the name “Ken Sims?” No, not unless you’re a long-suffering Pats fan you don’t. After the Patriots went 2-14 and lost the “stuporbowl” to the Baltimore Colts, they had the first pick in the 1982 draft. As Marcus Allen sat waiting for his number to be called, the Patriots selected some nobody named Ken Sims, who managed to play a full 16 games in a single season only once in his career. In his 74 career games in 8 seasons, he made 17 sacks.

Why draft Marcus Allen when you can have THIS?

In other words, they would have been better off drafting a case of beer. In fact, during the strike-shortened 1982 season, Mark Henderson had a greater impact on the Pats 5-4 regular season record. (Henderson drove the snow plow during the December 12, 1982 game against the Miami Dolphins). Henderson was a convict on a work-release program. When a guy who is out of jail for a day driving a snow plow has a bigger impact on your season than your first round pick, you know that you don’t know shit about managing a football team.

You might be a Pats fan if you realize that a convict is worth more than a first round pick

In all fairness to the Pats, Marcus Allen did sit on the block until the Raiders picked him up as the tenth overall pick. I was friggin’ 12 years old and I knew he would be in the Hall of Fame one day. Guess what? He is. Ken Sims highlight reel includes getting more out of shape than I am, being arrested for cocaine possession, and now holding some season tickets to the Texas Longhorns games.

Why all this history? Because for the first time since 1982, I am absolutely, positively, convinced that there is a meteor buried beneath Foxboro, Massachusetts that makes the Patriots front office behave like goddamned idiots. Maybe Scott Pioli had a way to keep it at bay, but now that he is coincidentally also in Kansas City, let the dipshit gas flow forth so many farts from the asses of the angels of moronhood that watch over Flori-duh.

The Patriots just traded Matt Cassel AND Mike Vrabel to the Kansas City Chiefs for their second round draft pick.

Ah, damn you! God damn you all to hell!

I could tear my freakin’ hair out (what’s left of it). I want to wake up in a hospital, with bright lights and strange faces around me. I want one of them to remove a face mask and ask me “Marc, do you know what year it is?” I want the answer to be 2015 or something like that… and in the years I was in a coma, Tom Brady was traded to the Chiefs, he retired and just decided to bang supermodels for a living. In the meantime, Matt Cassel led the Pats to another three Superbowl titles. I wish I had a remote control like in “Click.” I don’t care if I fast forward through my life.

I just can’t believe it. I’d rather that monkeys take over the freakin’ planet. Mark my words, this is the start of a dark period for Patriots nation.