Johnny Damon back to Boston?

By Marc J. Randazza

ESPN reports that the Red Sox was claimed on waivers by the Boston Red Sox. (source) I sent Chris Harbin to Boston to interview the Red Sox management about the move.

Management issued this statement to Harbin in a Legal Satyricon exclusive interview:

Red Sox Nation should not be concerned that Johnny Damon may be playing for the Red Sox in the future. While he may have been instrumental to our 2004 World Series victory, he committed the cardinal sin of going from the Sox to the Yankees, and that can never be forgiven.

Our intent in picking up his contract was so that we could bring him to Fenway Park, and place him in a plexiglass container filled with feces and angry bees. He will be displayed in this manner, placed in the bleachers at Fenway, until he is close to death. After that, he will be transported to a hospital, revived, brought back to good health, and then we will repeat.

We intend to repeat this process until Damon begs for death. At that point, we will exhume Babe Ruth, and tell Damon that he can go free if he fellates his mummified penis. Once he does that, we’re going to say “ha ha sucker” and then just stick him in the box with the bees and shit again.

Good job to Harbin for getting the real scoop.

2 Responses to Johnny Damon back to Boston?

  1. John Burgess says:

    Sounds entirely reasonable to me.

  2. alice says:

    I fully support this plan of action.

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