This just in, you guys: a person can’t actually be a douchebag! Breaking Freaking News! Someone get that Drudge Report Siren up. Done!
This is totally news to me, because until the Supreme Court of New York for New York County (phew) held differently, I really thought that when people called me a douche, they meant I was an actual, factual walking vaginal bulb syringe. It was always so confusing.
All is made clear by this case. Here, the principal of PR firm Four Corners Communication, Drew Kerr, registered the domain name http://www.rosstorossian.com, in order to criticize Ross Torossian, some rival douche in the sharks-and-jets world of PR, and placed a picture of a Summer’s Eve ad on the website. In true douchebag form, Torossian got his panties in a twist and sued Kerr for defamation, among other things.
Not to be outdone in his valiant effort to be crowned king of the douches, Kerr called on his business insurance provider, Graphic Arts Mutual Insurance Company, to defend the suit.
[Aside: How does this conversation go anyways?
Kerr: Hi, I’d like to make a claim.
GAMIC: Ok, what happened?
Kerr: I called some guy on the internet a douche and I’d like you to pay to defend me.
Turns out that Kerr and GAMIC’s contract contained a clause excluding from coverage “personal or advertising injury arising out of oral or written publication […] with knowledge of its falsity” and GAMIC didn’t want to defend contending that Kerr had knowledge that Torossian was not, in fact, a douchebag (despite all evidence to the contrary). Kerr sues for breach. The court held that because Kerr’s assertion was — wait for it — an opinion and not a provable fact, Kerr could not have knowledge of its falsity and thus GAMIC should have honored their contact. Perhaps GAMIC and Torossian could go halfsies on a dictionary so they can look up literal falsehood. Douches.