The NFL and Socialism

December 27, 2010

In an article that isn’t really about politics or economics, the sports page brings a little insight to both:

How many people had the moxie a few months ago to predict that not only would the Kansas City Chiefs win the AFC West but that the San Diego Chargers would also not even make the playoffs? Well, at least one group got that Chiefs thing right.

That’s part of what has made the National Football League the dominant sports enterprise in the country: The socialistic economics of the league gives fans in most cities hope at the beginning of each year that their team might have a shot. (source)


And that is why some forms of socialism (think Norway, not Cuba) are superior to true free-market capitalism (think Albania, not the United States). The fact is, if you’re born in a slum in the United States, chances are that you’ll die in a slum too. Meanwhile, for a Swedish baby, the economic or social class of his parents has very little influence upon where he’ll be as an adult.

If your dad is in the lowest economic quintile, there is a 42 percent chance that you’ll stay there. Meanwhile, if the same son is born to a Danish, Finnish, Swedish, or Norwegian dad, he has only a 25-30% chance of remaining at the bottom. Worse yet, a Nordic child has a slightly greater chance of moving from the bottom quintile to the top quintile. See Jäntti, M., B. Bratsberg, K. Røed, O. Raaum, R. Naylor E. Österbacka, A. Björklund, T. Eriksson. 2006. “American Exceptionalism in a New Light: A Comparison of Intergenerational Earnings Mobility in the Nordic Countries, the United Kingdom and the United States.”; Miles Corak, 2006. “Do Poor Children Become Poor Adults? Lessons from a Cross Country Comparison of Generational Earnings Mobility,” IZA Discussion Papers No. 1993, Bonn: Institute for the Study of Labor (IZA) (concluding that Canada, Germany, and France have greater class mobility than the United States).

In other words, on any given Sunday, any NFL team can win. And in any given season, you never really know how the playoff picture will look. And any given child born in a more civilized country just might wind up doing awfully well.

In contrast, the San Diego Padres could win the World Series every year. But, if you laid your pre-season bet on anyone but the Red Sox or the Yankees, you’re probably throwing your money away. Meanwhile, despite the Patriots’ dominance of the past decade, you never really know if they’ll be playing in a game with roman numerals on it. Of course, their dominance is fairly attributable to the socialism within the team. The Patriots system pays Tom Brady pretty damn well, but he could probably make 30% more if he went to another team, meanwhile other players take less in order to bring in other talent under the salary cap — and thus producing three Superbowl wins since that became the system. Players who are willing to sacrifice for the collective good, like Teddy Bruschi, stick around. Those who simply chase the dollar (like Lawyer Milloy and Adam Vinatieri) wind up elsewhere.

Of course, the other side of the coin is that sometimes in a socialist system, losers can win. In the final week of the regular NFL season, the Seattle Seahawks will be 6-9, playing for the division title, might be the #4 seed in the NFC with a losing 7-9 record, and if things go their way in three games in a row, they’ll take home the Lombardi trophy.

I’m a social libertarian, but when it comes to economics, I favor a little bit of socialism… I stopped giving a shit about MLB when the Sox turned into Yankees North, but I don’t mind shelling out a couple of grand for NFL tickets.

Jesus is a dick, Bills fans and poor people already know this

November 29, 2010

The media is all aflutter over Buffalo Bills receiver, Steve Johnson, who dropped a game-winning pass, and then used Twitter to blame the Magic Space Zombie Jew.


Mr. Johnson, I agree. The thing is, Jesus is a dick. The ungrateful fuck just flies around in space, demanding that we bow down and kiss his ass, and meanwhile, what does he do for everyone who worships him? Well, let’s take a look at the most religious places on Earth…. Haiti? The Philippines? Mississippi? It is as if a massive divine shit bomb landed on all of those places. Meanwhile, the strongholds of atheism like Norway, Vermont, and Canada? Yeah, that’s what I thought… the thing is, when Jesus hears you acting like a servile little pussy, begging him for shit, he loses respect for you. Who wouldn’t? Think of the homeless assholes you pass on the way to work. “Please sir, can’t you help me?” Sure, you might have some compassion for them, but that’s the best you’ll ever drum up for them. And YOU are a good person.

Jesus, on the other hand, is a dick. (source)

Worse yet, he’s one dick who loves to watch football — and can’t keep his dirty nazarene hands off of the damn results.

I’m no Bills fan, but I’m not a Bills hater either. Therefore, I’m just speaking the truth here – Jesus hates the Buffalo Bills. Just ask Scott Norwood. He kicked that ball straight and true. Of course, Jesus was busy making a little boy die from cancer that day. After he destroyed the faith of the kid’s entire family, he slammed back his 10th Mickey’s Big Mouth, let out a belch, and said “oh fuck! The Superbowl is on!” So Jesus smashed the bottle, and zapped right over to Tampa, dropping a few cases of AIDS and some crack on most of the city on the way there, and then gave a high holy silent-but-deadly fart into Tampa Stadium. It was just enough divine ass wind to push the ball wide right, and lo, Jesus and his dad had a big laugh. Dicks.

Of course, nobody came out and blamed Jesus. That’s when that divine twat decided that he would keep fucking with sporting events. What with his dad all busy taking a huge dump on the entire continent of Africa, Jesus knew that the Big G wouldn’t really care. Did Saddam Hussein really give a shit when his kids messed with the Iraqi soccer leagues? So for the next three years, Jesus more brazenly kept punishing the Buffalo Bills.

The thing is, the Bills had done nothing to warrant this. Mr. Johnson doesn’t get it. Jesus does hate him, but that’s because he is on the Buffalo Bills, AND because he is always whining in the Man from Galilee’s ear. Think about it. You must know someone who is sort of a loser, who always calls you, and you ignore the call. But, eventually you listen to the voicemail, and its always that loser asking for something.

So look, Johnson (and anyone else), if you want to stay off Jesus’ shit list, there are two ways to do it: 1) Don’t root for the Buffalo Bills until Jesus’ attention span wanes, and 2) Stop asking him for shit. When he eventually listens to your message, he just acts like a dick.

Can't he get into a different sport?

DISCLAIMER: Don’t misunderstand this post. I have nothing against the Bills. In fact, as long as a Bills win has no implications for the Patriots’ playoff picture, I root for them. So don’t anyone out there think I’m hating on the Bills. I’m not. I’m mocking clowns who follow a magic space zombie jew.

Update: Damon exercises no-trade clause, prefers Detroit to feces-filled bee tank.

August 25, 2010

I just got off the phone with Johnny “Jesus” Damon who informed me that he has exercised the no-trade clause in his contract, nixing the Red Sox’s waiver action.   “I love Detroit,” says Damon.  He continued:  “Although spending my remaining years in a feces- and bee- filled tank in the Red Sox bleachers would be a step up in terms of quality of life over living in Detroit, I find the Mad Max atmosphere of the city too charming to leave.”

Johnny Damon back to Boston?

August 23, 2010

By Marc J. Randazza

ESPN reports that the Red Sox was claimed on waivers by the Boston Red Sox. (source) I sent Chris Harbin to Boston to interview the Red Sox management about the move.

Management issued this statement to Harbin in a Legal Satyricon exclusive interview:

Red Sox Nation should not be concerned that Johnny Damon may be playing for the Red Sox in the future. While he may have been instrumental to our 2004 World Series victory, he committed the cardinal sin of going from the Sox to the Yankees, and that can never be forgiven.

Our intent in picking up his contract was so that we could bring him to Fenway Park, and place him in a plexiglass container filled with feces and angry bees. He will be displayed in this manner, placed in the bleachers at Fenway, until he is close to death. After that, he will be transported to a hospital, revived, brought back to good health, and then we will repeat.

We intend to repeat this process until Damon begs for death. At that point, we will exhume Babe Ruth, and tell Damon that he can go free if he fellates his mummified penis. Once he does that, we’re going to say “ha ha sucker” and then just stick him in the box with the bees and shit again.

Good job to Harbin for getting the real scoop.

The world cup’s financial motives

June 11, 2010

By J. DeVoy

South Africa is a nation long plagued by strife and difficulty, and still today it has one of the highest crime rates in the world.  The country has had tremendous difficulties preparing for this year’s World Cup in Johannesburg, which almost seems like a cruel joke the Fédérdation Internationale de Football Association (FIFA) played on the struggling state.

One reason why they may have done it: member nations could profit off the instability.  By painting feel-good stories about the importance of the World Cup to South Africa, the true costs of the project have been hidden, as well as the identities of those who profit from the event.  Merely insuring the event will bring $9 billion in policy fees to insurers in more developed nations.  Although the current financial crisis and need for liquidity by these agencies wasn’t obvious in 2004 when South Africa was announced as the event’s host, its long-standing instability was no secret then, and the likelihood of profit was high, even on just this one front.

It sounds like a conspiracy theory until one digs deeper and realizes that FIFA has been accused of exactly this behavior.  Excepting America, the countries with the largest insurers are quite active in FIFA, and rational outsiders to football culture such as Wall Street could be convinced to see the financial benefit from having the event in the least developed location possible, as all varieties of debt, credit and equity would be necessary to make the infrastructure improvements needed for the competition to occur.  Those who would dismiss this as an errant deed of FIFA or an isolated symptom of transitory bad leadership are foolish to ignore the entire culture of corruption in international sporting organizations, as the International Olympic Committee was recently busted for similar conduct spanning many years.

Court sentences Erin Andrews’s stalker to 30 months

March 16, 2010

By J. DeVoy

30 months? That's it?


Yesterday, Judge Manuel Real of the Central District of California sentenced Michael Barrett, a 48-year-old insurance executive from Chicago, to 30 months in prison for his infamous peephole video of ESPN sportscaster Erin Andrews.  Barrett had agreed to a 27-month term, but Real imposed the harshest possible sentence under the Federal guidelines.

Barrett offered a teary apology to his victim. Andrews wasn’t having it.

“You violated me and you violated all women,” Andrews told Barrett. “You are a sexual predator, a sexual deviant and they should lock you up.”

After the sentencing, she said, “Thirty months isn’t enough.”

All women? Tatiana Von Tauber previously considered this issue, and I think she’d disagree.  The issue is that voyeurism invades another person’s privacy — “grrl power” is irrelevant.

Andrews’s comments come across as cold and misandrist.  The only thing missing are the allegations that Barrett is “creepy” or “weird,” those erstwhile undefinables that girls only know when they see it, but have such broad application that they can stick to anyone.  Among young women, creepiness has been reified as a verb – “creeping.”  Still, there is no consensus as to its true meaning.

The lesson: Women hate weak men.  Here, Erin Andrews eviscerates a peeping tom in Federal court and the media.  In contrast, Scott Peterson killed his pregnant wife and was showered with love letters.  Within the sports universe, Kobe Bryant was accused of rape by a woman he admitted to having sex with,  yet the charges were dropped and his career continues.  (The ultimate effects of Tiger Woods’s indiscretions are to be determined.)  Ultimately, a 48-year-old insurance executive from Chicago lacked sufficient star power to escape controversy’s gravitational pull.

I guess the Yankees don’t all suck

March 12, 2010

Letter from the Yankees to Mickey Mantle

And Mickey Mantle's reply.