All Your America Are Belong to Us!

September 6, 2008

By: Zac Papantoniou – Weird Legal News Satyriconista

Apparently, The Moorish American Science Temple (MAST), is pretty pissed off at… well, pretty much everyone in Illinois, but especially at Washington Mutual Bank, the Cook County Sherriff’s Office and the Chicago Police Dept., because the Temple’s Fiduciary Board Members filed suit against those three (3) parties yesterday, along with “all known and unknown parties acting in concert.”

Why? Because the MAST members believe that they are “sheiks” who have descended from aboriginal North American (or in their words “Northwest Amexem”) “Peoples” who have been on our soil for over 50,000 years. Because of these beliefs, the MAST members claim that they own the land, which houses the “Windy City,” along with the United States of America, by “birthright and inheritance.” Due to the MAST “owning” this Great Land, and not the “fake” lien-holder, WaMu, the members don’t believe any U.S. Government agencies should be stepping foot near the MAST temple and “harassing” or evicting (in MAST’s words “kidnapping”) the MAST members. Of course, this makes perfect sense! How could we have not been taught this in 8th grade “History” class?!

[The Complaint] – “The Moorish American Executive Sheik/Fiduciary Board Members v. Washington Mutual Et Al”

More on MAST

Talk about a bad day for a Pastor

August 2, 2008

The only thing funnier than the underlying story (pastor breaks into a woman’s house, steals her sex toy and lube, and breaks his leg while escaping) is the melodramatic news coverage.

The senior pastor at the church had this to say:

I am deeply grieving for the victim in this terrible situation.

That must have been some sex toy if its loss creates a need for deep grief. Good grief!

Hat Tip and Props to: Quizlaw

Poop Happens!

May 9, 2008

I am so relieved that this did not happen in Florida…

A Mahopac, N.Y., resident, took her 1 year old son to the aquarium in Norwalk, CT. He got out of the car and stepped in a pile of feces. Mom then filed a claim with the city for reimbursement for a new pair of shoes and reimbursement for the tickets to the aquarium.

“After parking, we exited the garage and my 1-year-old son was walking around the structure outside the door of the garage and stepped in a large pile of fecal matter,” DeBrocky wrote. “I quickly picked him up and brought him to the aquarium and did my best to clean him up.

After a long car ride, it was not practical for me to immediately turn around and go back home with a small child. We had to pay for admission to the aquarium and my son had no shoes and it made the entire experience awful.” (source)

The City Attorney apparently has a sense of humor. “The official response is her claim is denied and poop happens.” (source)

HT to A Public Defender

The Urinal Code

April 22, 2008

Louisiana legislators have approved a resolution calling for an amendment to the state plumbing code to require “privacy dividers” to be installed at urinals men’s public bathrooms.

The resolution was sponsored by Democratic state Rep. Mickey Guillory of Eunice. The reason, according to the resolution, is that “sexual offenders, sexually violent predators, and child predators can easily violate the privacy of others using urinals….” (source)

Yeah, I guess that it is possible that someone can take a glimpse. It just isn’t really a huge fear of mine… that a sex offender will glance over at me while I am peeing. Even if he does, how freakin long does Mickey spend at the urinal?

Any real man knows the urinal code anyhow:

  1. If there are three or more urinals, and all of them are empty, thou shalt take a urinal on the end. That way, the next guy can take the other end — leaving an unoccupied urinal between the men.
  2. Thou shalt never take a urinal adjacent to a urinal that is in use unless there are no other urinals available.
  3. If there are other men in the rest room, thou shalt look forward, down, or up whilst urinating — never to the side.

Why not just pass a state law that adopts the “urinal code?” At least that way small business owners won’t be bearing the cost of Mickey Guillory’s homophobic paranoia.

For further research, see the Urinal Challenge.

HT to Daily Docket at BigLawBoard

Flori-duh legislator gets a bit testy

April 18, 2008

If you spend much time south of the Mason-Dixon line, you’ll see lots of things that make you wonder why we fought a war to keep this part of the country (source). Two of those things are inbred judges who insist on putting Ten Commandments displays in front of courthouses, and morons who think that it is cool to hang a pair of “Truck Nutz” from the back of their pickup trucks.

For those of you who live in places where the average person can read, write, and use indoor plumbing, I assure you — I am not making this up. People actually do attach these things to their vehicles here. I suppose that they could achieve the same thing by simply wearing a T-Shirt that says “I have deep feelings of sexual inadequacy,” but in America, you get to express your thoughts pretty much any way you please.

In a free society, you can wear that T-Shirt, buy a Hummer, hang “Truck Nutz” from your car, put up a Confederate flag, or pick any other way you like to express the sentiment “I’m a moron and I’m proud of it.”


Florida State Senator, Carey Baker (pictured right), didn’t get the memo. Shocking… a Florida Republican never heard of the First Amendment! He wants to take one of those ways to express the “I’m inbred and proud” sentiment away from Floridians. Baker sponsored an amendment to a highway safety bill (SB 1992) that would provide for a $60 fine for display of the disturbingly popular truck balls.

Baker’s colleague, Jim King (R-Jacksonville) claims that he, himself, sported a pair of truck nutz from his vehicle until his wife put the kaibosh on them. (source).

The Miami Herald reported that King was against the measure:

The measure met with resistance from Sen. Jim King, a Jacksonville Republican, who called them “a statement of truckyness”. (source)

On the other hand, the Tampa Tribune made it seem like King supported the measure — or maybe he just supports morality-based legislation in general.

“I don’t think this is frivolous. It’s someone making a determination that they thought it was either obscene or vulgar or whatever, and therein lies the problem.” (source)

At least Steve Geller (D-Cooper City) gave us some hope that it is not strictly required that all Florida legislators be completely brain dead.

It’s shocking we would be telling people that have metallic testicles on the bottom of their bumpers, ‘Guess what? We’ve now determined it’s obscene.’ There’s gotta be better things for us to be debating,” said Senate Democratic Leader Steve Geller of Cooper City. (source)

So, if you need any more proof that Flori-duh is, indeed, the dumbest state in the nation, here it is. Not only do we hang fake balls from our vehicles, but our legislature spends time debating whether it should be outlawed.

Yeeeee hawwww!

I Love My Bike… No I REALLY Love It.

November 19, 2007

Wow… so a guy in Scotland not only figured out how to have sex with a bicycle, but he actually got caught, arrested, and convicted for it. (Yes, really).

In the BBC report on the story, one person asked, “Would they have done the same to a woman with a sex toy?”

In the UK, no. In the UK you can still play with a sex toy. But, in some third world countries, like Saudi Arabia or Alabama, that will still land you in trouble.

The State of Flori-duh should take Scotland to the World Court. We’re supposed to have an international monopoly on behavior like this. Get off our turf, Scotland!

Anything that moves… or doesn’t

November 14, 2007

Above the Law reports:

In a 5-0 ruling, the [South Dakota Supreme Court] overturned the conviction of Michael James Plenty Horse for indecent exposure because he didn’t attempt to arouse others when he tried to have sex with [a] mannequin in a dark, closed room at a YMCA in Sioux Falls, S.D.

Ok you perv. Go read about the lurid details on Above the Law.

Chadder’s on the Outs with In-N-Out

August 15, 2007

An interesting trademark/trade-dress case from the District of Utah. Most of the opinion is a relatively dull discussion of trade dress.

Here’s the fun part. Read the rest of this entry »

Judges Like Adult Entertainment Too

August 11, 2007

A Colorado Federal Judge is in the news because his wife of three years left him after discovering that he racked up a $3,000 tab over two separate nights in a Denver strip club.

“I’m ashamed and mortified just telling you that is the Diamond Cabaret . . . a topless establishment,” he testified. He also reportedly said he couldn’t recall how he could have spent so much at the strip club. “I had had a lot to drink . . . and I don’t remember,” he said, according to the transcript.(source)

I, for one, would like to say that the good Judge has nothing to be ashamed of. Well, let me put a big fat caveat on that. I don’t mind when judges, senators, mayors, or anyone else frequents adult entertainment establishments, watches porn, has extramarital affairs, etc. What gets me worked up is when they have flown the “moral values flag,” and then they are busted with the same human foibles and peccadilloes as the rest of us.

From what I have seen in my (admittedly brief) research, this judge has been a fair and honorable guy. More importantly, he doesn’t seem to have been an anti-porn crusader. So he racked up $3,000 in strip club charges. That’s not really a lot of money when you consider a bottle costs $200, door charges, etc. In fact, it doesn’t seem to indicate much of anything except he is a red-blooded American man.

Now, I do think he should be a little smarter with his money, but who am I to force good judgment upon him?

Greatest Excuse Ever!

August 4, 2007

“Family Values” politician Bob Allen walks into a public bathroom and walks into a stall with a stranger. Allen then offers to give the other guy a blow job, if the other guy will accept $20 for the favor. (police report) The Orlando Weekly has a really funny Happytown article about it here.

I kind of thought that prostitution worked the other way around, but maybe I am a little less worldly than I might seem.

Whoopsie! The other guy happens to be a cop, and Family Values Bob Allen finds himself in the back of a squad car.

Read the rest of this entry »

Tossed in Jail for 60 Days for Tossing in Jail

July 28, 2007

I’m not an apologist for violent felons, but the line needs to be drawn somewhere…

Consider the case of Terry Lee Alexander. Mr. Alexander has lived a life filled with bad choices. After committing armed robbery, he got himself a well-deserved 10 year stay in prison. That should be the end of the story.

Now cue the calliope music that is usually needed when discussing the State of Flori-duh.

Mr. Alexander, (deservedly) deprived of his freedom, his right to vote, his right to see his family, and all the other rights you surrender when you become a guest of the State of Florida, decided to exercise the one right I thought you got to keep in prison. Yes, I’m referring to good old fashioned masturbation.

Read the rest of this entry »

Yeah… ummm…. hmmm…..

June 8, 2007

Word to the wise, if you are going to urinate in your neighbor’s yard, understand that you might get arrested.

If you get arrested, there might be photos.

Dress for the occasion.

Brace yourself and click here.

Orlando Sentinel article on the, err… umm… issue and another Blog on the subject.

I so want one….

May 15, 2007

Zacchini v. Scripps-Howard redux?

Creepiest Ad Campaign Ever

May 14, 2007

Here’s the cure for infringement. Make your campaign so creepy that nobody would ever rip it off.

It’s Raining (Very Fat) Men!

May 13, 2007

Ok, I admit it, I stole the headline from Deadspin. So, consider it a tribute to that blog’s headline writing genius.

In addition to Deadspin, MSNBC reports:

NEW YORK – A New York Mets fan has filed suit, contending a drunken, 300-pound man fell on her during the home opener at Shea Stadium and broke her back.

After serving as a landing pad for a drunken Mets fan (by the way, we harbor no ill will toward the Mets on this blog), she spent two weeks in the hospital, had spinal surgery, and apparently has some pretty exotic metal hardware to carry with her for a while.

What do the mets have to say?

“We believe the claim has no merit,” the Mets said in a statement.

Huh? Exqueeze me?

Perhaps it does have no merit. Then again, it might. What is their defense? She assumed the risk that a drunk idiot would fall on her? Then again, what preventative measures could the Mets have taken?

While the Mets appear to have decent legal counsel, they should torture their public relations firm with angry bees and David Hasselhoff’s music.