Did America Find its Balls in Seth Rogen’s Bong?

My feelings exactly

My feelings exactly

If you ever read this blog, you’ll already know that I think the United States is a cowardly bunch of mewling pussies hiding behind some very out-of-date fairy tales to try and appear otherwise. It is as if Dick Cheney gelded us 5 minutes after Osama Bin Laden punched us in the nose. (see, see, see, see, see)

While we peed our pants and dissolved more important freedoms than this, it is pretty telling that you can’t even take fucking pie filling on an airplane, because terrorism. (Enjoy this video for more of that) So, it was no surprise at all when a mere whisper of a “9-11 style attack” meant that theater owners and Sony USA all ran whelping for the shadows, just like the vast majority of Americans do, when there is any possible danger confronting their civil liberties.

But then something happened. Something that actually surprised me. Some of us scratched that place between our legs and found that maybe our balls were growing back.

Lets forget that nobody knows if North Korea really had anything to do with the hack. I’m not disappointed in Americans for being stupid or running off half cocked. That’s our fucking birthright.

But, when a few theater owners pledged to show Team America, World Police, instead of The Interview – that was fucking awesome. It made me yell out “AMERICA, FUCK YEAH!” (If you have not seen Team America, that probably doesn’t make any sense to you). Of course, then they pulled that for “unexplained” reasons.

Finally, Sony gave us “what we want.” The Interview is not just in theaters, but it is available on YouTube, Google Play, and by now, there have got to be close to 100,000 bittorrent hash files of the latest Rogen-Franco movie. I don’t know who was behind the Sony Hack, but if their intent was to stifle the release of a shitty movie, that plan worked out about as well as Mr. Hands’ last romantic encounter. Now way more people have seen this piece of shit movie than ever would have.

I personally have not seen The Interview. I watched the trailer for it. That is two minutes and 28 seconds of my life that I want back. I sure as hell don’t want to waste my time watching this movie. Well, of course, I do predict that one day I’ll be wasted enough to watch it, and then I will wake up feeling a bit of shame. But, now that I’m married, that’s about the closest I’ll get to that “I can’t believe I fucked that skank” feeling that got me through college, law school, grad school, etc…

But, you know what? Fuck anyone who wants to take that right to feel dirty away from me. In fact, fuck anyone who wants to remove wares from the marketplace of ideas. The right response to any attempt to ban legitimate expression is to proliferate it — even if you do not agree with it. Even if it sucks.

And that is why maybe, just maybe, this could be the turning point. Could Seth Rogan and James Franco have unwittingly shown us just where our balls are supposed to hang? Did we all just say “fuck you, come and get us, douche-nozzle?” Did we?

I’d like to believe we did.

Lets hope that the next time some dick makes a “terrorist threat,” we do the same. Lets put red white and blue paint on our asses and moon the fuckers and say “you can’t get us all.”

Maybe I’m just being hopelessly optimistic. But lets hope that this is part of a pattern. Lets hope we found our balls, finally.

Now off I go to stay sober long enough to forget about this movie. Three glasses of wine and a little insomnia, and I’m gonna be $5.99 poorer, but free expression and Sony will be that much better off.

4 Responses to Did America Find its Balls in Seth Rogen’s Bong?

  1. Eric T. says:

    So, it was no surprise at all when a mere whisper of a “9-11 style attack” meant that theater owners and Sony USA all ran whelping for the shadows, just like the vast majority of Americans do, when there is any possible danger confronting their civil liberties.

    I disagree with your premise. Americans continue to go out to places that are filled with the potential for harm: Ball games, subways, theaters, parades, 4th of July fireworks shows, Grand Central terminal and Penn Station.

    Two months after 9/11, the NYC Marathon had massive crowds cheering runners on. The World Trade Center was still burning. The marathon course was, as almost all courses are, unprotect able.

    And the same was true in the year following the Boston Marathon bombing, with massive crowds coming out to watch in complete defiance of those that warned of potential terror.

    Will some cower? Yes. Did the theatre owners cower? Yes.

    But the “vast majority of Americans?” No. Not even close.

  2. The vast majority of us demanded that the government take away our civil liberties within hours of the planes hitting the towers.

  3. dan says:

    While I loved reading this and I agree with 99% of it (maybe more) I just have to point out that the reason the major theater chains pulled the movie was because…
    ….lawyers.

    think about it.

    “But, now that I’m married, that’s about the closest I’ll get to that “I can’t believe I fucked that skank” feeling that got me through college, law school, grad school, etc…

    But, you know what? Fuck anyone who wants to take that right to feel dirty away from me. ” is classic. I wish I wrote it.

    p.s. I did the New York Skate marathon that year. It was a point of pride to wait extra time at the border and tell the agents asking questions that FUCK YEA we were going to NYC and were not going to let terrorists interfere because the organizers said so.
    The rest of my team mates were a lot more quiet about their reasons for going.

  4. andrews says:

    major theater chains pulled the movie was because…
    ….lawyers.

    If it was lawyers, it was not very good lawyers. A good lawyer would be more likely to fart in the general direction of North Korea and say “show the movie”.

    Negligence requires foreseeable harm. The foreseeable harm from showing the movie is less than that of allowing the patrons to drive to the theater. You can make up your own statistics, but figure that people are killed in road accidents pretty much every day, but people are killed by theater terrorists only every few years.

    Does not include people bored to death by chick flicks, of course.

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