A “separate prom” to avoid homosexuals – homassholes lose

Sullivan, Indiana.

Sullivan, Indiana.

In Sullivan, Indiana, the local high school declined to ban gays and lesbians from bringing their same-sex dates to the prom. So, a group of “christian” students and their parents decided to have an “alternate prom,” where the queers wouldn’t go fagging up the place. Or something like that. (source)

To help “preserve their beliefs,” parents, students, and other homasssholes got together where most homassholes congregate, at a church — the Sullivan First Christian Church.

Sidebar — I am not going to use the word “homophobic” anymore. That’s a really stupid term. There’s a quote going around that says “Phobia” has nothing to do with it. You’re not afraid of homosexuals, you’re just an asshole. Accordingly, from this day forward, I’m going to call them what they actually are: homassholes. If anyone is actually afraid of homosexuals, they can still be called homophobic.

Diana Medley, a special education teacher in Sullian said “We don’t agree with it and it’s offensive to us,” when referring to the “gays allowed” prom. “If we can get a good prom then we can convince more people to come and follow what they believe,” said homasshole student Kynon Johnson. The Sullivan Homassholes even have their own facebook group, you know, to spread the love and tolerance. They announced the meeting thus:

Yeah, come in through the back so that people don't know who the homassholes are.  Plenty of parking in the rear, giggity.

Yeah, come in through the back so that people don’t know who the homassholes are. Plenty of parking in the rear, giggity.

I have a message for the kids in Sullivan.

For the gay kids there – it gets better. Trite but true. Right now, you’re 18. Look around you. The kids who are at the top of the pecking order right now are totally fucked. You know why? They’re gonna live for another forty to eighty years, but they are peaking right now. Yeah, that means that for the past four years, they’ve had it pretty good. And from here forward, their lives will slowly (or even quickly) descend into disappointment, bitterness, and diabetes (mental if not physical). Fuck them.

Today, you’re an outcast because you, generally, don’t fit in with the good folk of Sullivan, Indiana. You know what? A short drive away, nobody gives a shit who you hug, fuck, or kiss. At college, less people will care. Well, there will always be assholes who care, but there will be even more people who simply embrace you. You know why? Because you’re probably cool. You can’t take shit like you’ve taken in that piss-ant town, and not develop some coping skills that give you a good sense of humor and a capacity for tolerance and compassion that make you a damn good person.

Meanwhile, equal rights are flying toward you. Even Iowa has same-sex marriage. Other states are legalizing it, either constitutionally or through citizen votes. The more that happens, and the sky does not turn to blood and fire, the more people will realize that your orientation is a mere trivia point in your personality.

In short, you’re winning.

So today is the worst day of your life, at least with respect to homassholes. Tomorrow is better. Next week, even better. Next year, even better. When you’re in your 30s and 40s, you’ll be laughing at the homassholes, who will be sitting on the same historical square as the segregationists of the 1960s.

At the same time, the homassholes from your high school are enjoying the best days of their lives. They’ll surf down from their peak. Go to the local fast food joint and look at the 40 year olds who work there. That’s their future. Go to a local bar and see who is sitting on the stools right now. Come back after college and note how many of them are in the same fucking stool, just 30 lbs heavier, with four years of life punching them in the face.

It gets better for you. It gets worse for them. You win. You win today. You win tomorrow. You win at life. Keep that in mind, kids. Don’t ever let homassholes get you down.

11 Responses to A “separate prom” to avoid homosexuals – homassholes lose

  1. -Richard says:

    Thank you.

  2. supercarrot says:

    homassholes doesn’t roll off the tongue. (also, it kinda looks like you’re calling homosexuals assholes)

    with the help of google translate, i’ve come up with other words that could catch on. (i don’t speak greek, so i’m sure there are better spellings)

    homoaidiac (people disgusted by homosexuals)
    homoantipathy (opposed to homosexuals)
    homoechthric (hostile to homosexuals)
    homosichairnomai (abhor homosexuals)
    homoapéchthic (repulsed by homosexuals)
    homoapostrofic (averse to homosexuality)
    homokakovoulic (malevolence toward homosexuals)

  3. jdgalt says:

    FYI, “homophobic” doesn’t mean someone who is afraid of gays. It means someone afraid that, if enough temptation were out there, HE might discover that he is gay. (The term arose after a study, reported in Scientific American, which purported to show that people who hate gays are motivated by exactly that fear. Up to you if you want to believe it or not, but that’s the origin.)

    • Irrational Exuberance says:

      In my experience these are the same people who consider sexuality a choice.

      Even though when asked when did they decide to be heterosexual they come up blank.

  4. robert says:

    Well written and hopefully the future you talk about will be there for them.

  5. K.K. says:

    much respect Marc.

  6. Two Elle says:

    I don’t think there’s any need to coin a new term when there’s already a perfect one on the books.

    Definition of BIGOT (from Merriam Webster):
    a person who is obstinately or intolerantly devoted to his or her own opinions and prejudices; especially : one who regards or treats the members of a group (as a racial or ethnic group) with hatred and intolerance

    Or you could have just kept it at “asshole”
    Definition of ASSHOLE (also from Merriam Webster):
    1 usually vulgar : anus
    2 usually vulgar : a stupid, incompetent, or detestable person

    I love that Merriam Webster indicates that a word is vulgar, just in case you were thinking of including it in grandma’s Christmas card.

    I saw this earlier, and I think you all might enjoy it. I hope this works!:

    • Two Elle says:

      The youtube link is for “Indiana Bigot Meets Billy Madison”. I’m just clarifying for those afraid the link might lead to the Ramen Noodle Soup rap.

      If you were hoping for the Ramen Noodle Soup rap, it’s at http://youtu.be/TTkohxzxj74


  7. canvasbackC says:

    Thank you Mark, for giving those kids something strong to hold onto. I hope it helps.

  8. Stan says:

    jdgalt sez: “homophobic” doesn’t mean someone who is afraid of gays. It means someone afraid that, if enough temptation were out there, HE might discover that he is gay”
    I have to agree. That has always been my sense, as well… not that I have spent much time around such people. There always seems to be a Shakespearean “thou dost protest too much” aspect to blatant homophobic behaviour.

  9. Agon McDouche says:

    Come in through the back door. LMAO.

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