The Prince of Darkness’ Family Jewels.

Sweet Mary, mother of fucking awesomeness!

I heard on the radio it was Good Friday today.  “Damn right it’s Good Friday,” I thought, “it’s the season opener for the Diamondbacks.”  Baseball season is here and I am one happy camper.  Turns out, though, I totally forgot this weekend is Easter and Good Friday is something Christians celebrate in connection with Jesus’ torture, death, and zombification.

But for you “only celebrate Easter and Christmas” Christians out there- beware- you are backsliding into the fiery pit of hell with every package of Paas Dye.   Something dastardly has infiltrated the fuzzy bunnies, cute little chickies, and OMG amazing candy holiday:

Satan’s giggle berries.

Gasp you should, this is not a new brand of candy (but how awesome would it be if it was?) This Sunday, as your little darlings scamper about festooned in their pretty dresses and bow ties finding Easter Eggs here and there, they will be filling their brightly colored baskets full of Mephistopheles’ nads.

Fortunately, Dr. Daniel Cameroon has written a book to help guide us through these troubled times. It’s called “Are Your Children Playing With Lucifer’s Testicles? The Truth About Easter Eggs”.  Source.   No discount, though, because only Jesus saves.

Please help make everyone aware of this danger and instead of collecting Beelzebub’s family jewels, tell the little children to stomp those Devil Balls  (also a good name for candy) into the ground instead.   How great would that be to see?  I bet the Cadbury Cream Egg explosion would be epic.

9 Responses to The Prince of Darkness’ Family Jewels.

  1. Christmas is “something Christians celebrate in connection with Jesus’ torture, death, and zombification”? What a ridiculous statement. Everyone knows Jesus was a vampire.

    • Beth Hutchens says:

      Can’t he be both? My Life With The Thrill Kill Kult suggests he could. I’m not opposed to the idea a zombie vampire.

  2. You know someone’s credible when their name is prefaced with “Author/Creation Scientist.” Really though, I think the bigger issue here is the tomato-growing secret this guy is hoarding. Just think of how much the tomato industry would PAY for something like that.

  3. Jonboy says:

    Landoverbaptist is a satirical website.

  4. Gordon Clason says:

    Let’s talk about rank discrimination…Somebody in Major League baseball arranged for the Kansas City Royals’ opening day to be Friday the Thirteenth.

    • Beth Hutchens says:

      Eh- they seem to be doing OK-but if they choke, we can always blame the bad juju of Friday the 13th- lol. I tell you, though, I will be watching Texas very closely this season. Saw them play the Sox during spring Training. They’re looking good, man. Real good.

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