New Laws Pertaining to Airline Travel

1. Surprise Reclining Banned: Before you recline your seat, turn around and ASK the person behind you. At the very least, even if they’re a jerk about it, they’ll have time to move their laptop. Punishment for violations – it is perfectly acceptable to kick their seat for the entire flight.

2. If you have checked baggage, sit the fuck down when the plane lands. You can’t leave the airport until your bags come to the carousel. You will be standing at a carousel for at least 20 minutes waiting for your luggage. Let the people who only brought carry-ons off the damn plane.

3. Slow asses must accommodate movers. If you’re flying, then that means you are trying to GET SOMEWHERE. You know if you’re slow. Here are some indications: You’re old, you’re fat, you’re old and fat, you use a cane, you have a limp, you’re just a slow moving piece of shit. Get the hell out of the way. If someone who has not lived on cheeseburgers and episodes of Hee Haw for their entire life squeezes around you, you don’t get to act pissed off. Some of us are not on vacation. In fact, most of us are not on vacation. Get out of the way.

4. Kids must be controlled. If your kids cry, then I understand that it can’t be avoided. I’m sure it is bothering you more than it is bothering me, and short of smothering them, there’s not much you can do. What CAN be avoided is your kid kicking a seat, playing with the tray table, or otherwise being an avoidable nuisance to fellow passengers. I should be allowed to punch you if your kid disturbs me after one warning. If its my kid, you can bet your ass that I’d rather make them cry than let them kick your seat.

5. No asking to trade up from the middle seat. I’ve been asked this a lot — woman (its always a woman) gets on the plane and sits in the middle seat next to me. She wants me to trade seats with her or her husband/child — who is in a different row, but ALSO in a middle seat. I always decline. I am never polite about it, and I damn well should not have to be. Often, I’ve paid extra for that seat. If not, I at least had my head out of my ass when making the reservation, and I took steps not to get crammed in the middle seat. So, since you were too cheap to pay the $25 for the window or aisle seat, or because you failed to plan, I’m an asshole for saying “hell no” when you want me to spend 3 hours in a middle seat? This is asshole behavior. I know I sound like a dick when I say “no way.” You don’t get to put me in that situation. Worse than that, you don’t get to ask until you find some poor sap who thinks he needs to be a gentleman. You fucked up. YOU sit in the middle seat. If you want to switch with an aisle or a window passenger, you had better have at least $50 to sweeten the deal. I would not accept $50 for it, but someone might. That should be the minimum charge to trade with a middle seat fool.

6. Headrest hoisters shall be euthanized. This is always an old man. He is usually from Arizona or Florida. He has to piss 4 times an hour, and every time he grabs the headrest of the person in front of him to stand up — as if nobody is sitting in that seat. If you can’t get up from your seat without grabbing my headrest, it is time to euthanize you because you are no longer useful to anyone on this planet. There are armrests on your fucking chair. Use them.

7. The middle seat person gets the armrest — on both sides. Don’t be a dick the the middle seat person. If it is two-row seating, then the aisle person should get it. Window seater can always lean against the bulkhead.

8. No helping fellow passengers with carry ons. I know this seems mean. But, it is time for natural selection to work its magic. I will not help you with your carry on bag unless you’re a hot girl and or you’re traveling with kids or a handicapped flight companion. Why? Because fuck you, that’s why. Ever since the airlines started charging for checked bags, every cheapskate and poor thinks that they can just carry on a suitcase that they can’t possibly manage — so they can save $20. That means that it takes that much longer to board the plane, as some shit head stands in the aisle not knowing how to get a suitcase crammed into an overhead bin — as if the laws of physics do not apply to their bag. That means that when its time to get off the plane, those of us who know how to fly are stuck waiting behind you to get off. When there are 10 of you on every flight, that means the plane empties out 20 minutes later, that accordions into flight delays. You annoy us when you’re in our way, and you annoy us when the aggregate effect of you and your fellow shit heads means that we miss a connection. Check your bag.

9. If you’re old or so large that you need a seat belt extender, get the fuck out of the emergency row seat. I know that there is almost a zero chance that you’ll be called upon to actually do anything. But, if you’re not in the physical shape to help out, then get out of that seat. Stewardess? You’ll break my balls for leaving my cell phone on, which has no chance of ever doing anything to the plane, but you won’t speak up when someone who clearly could never fit through the emergency exit has plopped themselves right down in front of it?

10. The bathroom is for three things — pissing, shitting, and occasionally fucking. If you feel the need to join the mile high club and you have a travel companion who is game, then have at it. You should use the aft bathroom to maximize your chances of getting away with it. If that’s what you’re doing, then take as much time as you need. Other than that, get in there, take your piss or your shit and be done with it. Do not sit in there and fix your makeup, lady. You have a purse with a mirror, do that at your seat. Other people are out here who need to take a piss. If you have to take a shit, unless you’re going to shit your pants, then wait til you are on the ground. If I ran an airline, my planes would automatically eject you from the aircraft from the bathroom after 5 minutes unless you pay $20 for another 5 minutes (its worth the money for mile high club and for extra crapping time). That’s all it takes to piss – regardless of your gender.

22 Responses to New Laws Pertaining to Airline Travel

  1. shg says:

    Nothing about the guy whose fat spills half way across the next person’s seat? Sheesh.

    • That could be annoying, yes, but what’s the guy supposed to do? Although it might be hard to find it, I do have compassion. If someone is just physically too large to fit in a seat, that’s not them being an asshole — that’s just them being them. I don’t hold that against them. I’ve been crammed next to that person a few times while flying coach. I got over it.

      • shg says:

        Spare me your limp-wristed, kumbaya-singing, I’m okay-you’re fat limousine liberal philosophy, Marcorooni. Unless he at half a cow for lunch and added 300 pounds to his svelt, girlish figure, he know when he bought the ticket that he wasn’t going to fit into the seat, and that meant he was going to take up half somebody else’s seat.

        He bought a ticket, and he gets a seat. I buy a ticket and I get a seat too. He doesn’t get my seat as well as his. He may have a beef with the airline, but the guy sitting next to him, who paid for a ticket as well, isn’t the one to pay for the airline’s small seats or his neighbor’s excess size.

  2. Burt Likko says:

    Dude. I’ve had that flight too. Rare is the cilent who understands the need for business class.

  3. Scott Jacobs says:

    I know you aren’t a big fan of religion, but would you mind if I founded a Church based on your teachings?

    Also, personally, I will actually SAY things like “Look, either haul that rollerboard out of the bin, or sit down so I can get off this plane.”

    And when people block the way on the moving walkways or escalators, I will walk my normal, fast pace and only stop when I am RIGHT behind you. You will think I’m about to take you roughly from behind I’ll be so close. Don’t like it? The get the fuck out of my way – try single-file for once, because you are not the only motherfucker here, unlike when you are walking down the middle of the lane at the local grocery store’s parking lot (or anywhere else humanity is forced to endure you without benefit of cattle-prods).

    • Religion — sure, but I get 25% of the cut.

      And yes, airports need rules too. I hate the prick who decides to stand on the left side of the escalator or moving walkway. I don’t stop for them, I actually barrel past them, letting my suitcase hit their legs.

  4. azazel says:

    Before you recline your seat, turn around and ASK the person behind you. At the very least, even if they’re a jerk about it

    It’s the recliner who’s the jerk, not the refuser. Just because you can move your seat back until it’s almost touching an already-cramped fellow passenger’s face doesn’t mean you should.

  5. Alexis says:

    And I thought I was just becoming a hideously cranky traveler. Thank goodness I’m not the only one who feels this way.

  6. James says:

    I will not help you with your carry on bag unless you’re a hot girl and or you’re traveling with kids or a handicapped flight companion. Why? Because fuck you, that’s why.


  7. Alan says:

    While I generally agree with most of these, except number one (if you want to ban reclining seats, ban seats that recline!), this author is typical of the nasty anger that permeates our society. The author thinks he should be allowed to punch people? Shameful.

    • shg says:

      I believe that the author uses the word “punch” as a euphemism. What he is trying to convey is that he will drop his trousers and white underpants and waggle his penis close enough to the offending person’s face so that they will feel as if he has intruded inappropriately upon their personal space.

      Also, being of the Gloucester Randazza clan, his personal hygience is below what most people consider minimally necessary, causing his penis to emit an unpleasant odor.

      His use of violent images is merely for dramatic affect.

    • Mike says:

      Absolutely correct. The author of this article should know that old age comes to all and I mean ALL of us. When you become old, can’t lift your bag and have to make that once or twice a year trip that can’t be helped, may God return all the karma you accumulated in insulting other older people.

      • When that happens, I will a) get out of the way of people who can still move their ass, and b) I’ll check my goddamned bag rather than hold up the boarding of the plane to save twenty bucks. And if I believed in God, I’d be doing something other than writing blog posts about dickheads on planes.

      • Scott Jacobs says:

        What the hell are you weeping pussy willows doing at this blog in the first place?

        You’re bothered by what Marc says?

        Then grow a pair of balls, or GTFO.

        • blueollie says:

          I read his stuff because when he is not being PMSy, he writes some insightful, well reasoned stuff.

          Ok, his PMSy stuff is pretty funny too; some of the best ranting on the internet.

  8. Mark Kernes says:

    As an old, fat, old & fat person, I agree with most of those rules — but it’s simply incorrect that all of us who need seat belt extenders are too weak or lethargic to be able to help in an emergency if we’re sitting in the emergency seat row.

    Also, when reading my newspaper, I often rest one of my hands on the heatrest of the seat in front of me. So far, no one’s ever complained, and since I’m gentle about it, I doubt any even knew. T’ain’t a crime — and for some, grabbing an armrest to help lift one out of those relatively small and uncomfortable seats isn’t enough. Better to grab the headrest than fall in someone’s lap.

    And as for the excellent observation that people with checked baggage should let the carry-ons off first: Hell, that should be the subject of federal legislation!

    • Mark, its not a case of being “too weak or lethargic.” Vince Wilfork needs a seat belt extender too, and he’s anything but weak or lethargic. I don’t want him in that seat any more than I want Louie Anderson in that seat. If you’re likely to plug the hole on your way out, I don’t want you first in line. When I see someone in an emergency row who has blue hair (elderly blue, not punk rock blue) or who won’t physically fit through the emergency exit easily, that bugs me.

  9. blueollie says:

    I am honored that I get to comment on a blog of such an important man!!!! :)

  10. BleacherBum says:

    I too have a problem with the obese person who spills into your seat. I made a big deal about it when I had the aisle seat in the row in front of my wife and two children. A couple, recently evolved from hippos, were already seated in the window and middle seats. They were eating carry on sandwiches. They had put up the arm rests so that they could each spill over. They both wore belt extenders. There were about five inches left for me to occupy. I called the flight attendant and announced that I wanted the arm rest down on my seat. There was quite a scene. But I did not feel bad about embarrassing them. They had did not have a right to my seat. The flight attendant found me another seat on a “full” flight. A miracle.

  11. Dredge Slug says:

    Considering the cost of fuel, airports, employees, etc., etc., it would seem to me the airlines fucked up by not building smaller planes with larger seats that would only carry a finite number of passengers – say 40 max. Build more airplanes – win, more people working – win, move people faster – win! I’m sure the Wright Brothers are turning over in their graves. Criminy! But of course there would be no need for this rant if we were more progressive/compassionate than the bastard airline owners that don’t give a shit since they fly – you got it – first class.

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