Vaginal Obsession – TSA, you’re doing it wrong

If you had to create a chart of the things I like and the things I don’t like, vaginas and the TSA would clearly be at opposite ends. The vagina is truly a wonderful thing, when properly cared for. Your mileage may vary depending on diet, grooming, genetics, and a host of other factors. But, in general, vaginas are a wonderful thing.

The TSA is not a vagina. It is not even vagina like. Even though it is run by a bunch of twats, it can’t even get close to being in the vagina zone when it comes to coolness.

I’ve never hidden my hatred for the TSA.  When I go through security, I always opt for the pat-down, and I make sure to make it difficult for the agent. Why? Because when I was in basic training, they taught us that it is our duty to make captivity as difficult for our captors as possible. I harass TSA employees when I see them in public, reminding them in grocery stores, theaters and anywhere else I find them that they are low forms of shit, and I advocate that we all do the same).  They are only doing their jobs? Well so was John Demjanjuk.

As much as I hate the TSA, I must admit that we have something in common: We both got a thing for vaginas. Of course, I prefer mine to be over the age of consent — the TSA harbors no such prejudices. Nope, not at all.

But, if I may be so pompous as to declare myself qualified to offer instruction on how to care for and attract vagina — TSA, you’re doing it wrong.

The TSA’s latest victim is prominent feminist blogger Jill Filipovic, of Feministe fame.  Ms. Filipovic recently took a trip to Dublin and, upon arriving, found a note from a TSA agent who’d discovered a vibrator in her luggage:


She reacted in a way that was noticeably un-second-wavy of her — with a sense of humor. She wrote:

Total violation of privacy, wildly inappropriate and clearly not ok, but I also just died laughing in my hotel room. (source)

The TSA’s reaction to this incident was predictable, given how it responds to terror threats: Namely, it enacted a remedy that will never be useful in the future. The screener got shitcanned.

But, is that really what anyone wanted? Filipovic has as much right as anyone to demand that this TSAsshole lose his or her job. Nevetheless, she did not call for the agent’s head. (She admirably dislikes Coldplay more than she dislikes this Agent).

It’s easy to scape-goat one individual here, but the problem with the note is that it’s representative of the bigger privacy intrusions that the U.S. government, through the TSA and other sources, levels every day. The invasion is inherent to the TSA’s mission, regardless of whether a funny note is left behind — the note only serves to highlight the absurdity of all this security theater. (source)

Filipovic went on to write that she is pleased that the TSA took the issue seriously, but firing one person who made a dumb mistake really misses the whole point.

I get no satisfaction in hearing that someone may be in danger of losing their job over this. I would much prefer a look at why ‘security’ has been used to justify so many intrusions on our civil liberties, rather than fire a person who made a mistake. (source)

Instead, the TSA seems to treat this as an isolated incident — or a failure by one of its drones. Meanwhile, the actual issue, which Filipovic tried to make us think about, is lost in the guffaws over the gooey gewgaw.

After we get done chuckling about Filipovic being anonymously told to “get her freak on,” I hope that we can think about how the TSA’s Freudian field day with our reproductive organs demonstrates the absurd nature of its very existence, the failure of its mission, the lie that it represents. It hasn’t got a damn thing to do with keeping us safe. I wish that we could think about how you should never try and have an agency devoted to such a high-falutin goal like airline safety, when you staff it with low-grade morons who are not fit to reproduce, let alone do anything else. Anyone who even wants that job must be a twisted, broken, loser; the kind of person who has lamented their loss of power ever since they left third grade and had to return the “hall monitor” sash to the principal’s office. Next time you are at the airport, just try detecting any intellect in the TSA agents you encounter. You will fail in that task. That alone should tell you that the agency has no reason to exist. If the job were actually important, we would never hire people who are this desperate, stupid, or lazy, to try and do it. And, when you give a powerless idiot a little bit of control, that misused power will find its own center, and that center is apparently our ‘nads.

Filipovic’s experience is no mere outlier. Take the recent tale of Amy Alkon — my client. The TSA only pried into what Ms. Filipovic inserts in her vagina; in Amy Alkon’s case, the TSA actually went up in there.  Repeatedly.  Four times over.  Naturally, Ms. Alkon did not like this and used her free speech rights to express her outrage over the event, shining the light of truth upon the TSA’s misdeeds, and calling the agent’s actions “rape.” Filipovic herself reports that even the FBI would agree with this assessment.  Unlike Filipovic, Alkon did not (so far) find out that her tormentor was fired. Ms. Alkon received a demand letter for $500,000 from Thedala Magee, the TSA agent with whom she had her little run-in. (Well, from her lawyer, but you get the point). 

It might have been undignified for the screener to scrawl a note about Filipovic’s sex toy – but unfortunately, that seems to be where the bureaucracy got hung up, and the real discussion about civil liberties got swept under the carpet — again.

6 Responses to Vaginal Obsession – TSA, you’re doing it wrong

  1. Charles Platt says:

    I agree we should inconvenience the TSA by always requesting a patdown, but my strategy during it is a bit different. I converse in a very friendly way with the TSA agent. They are relieved that I’m not hostile, and are always willing to talk. I ask them what they used to do before becoming a TSA employee. So far, there has always been some kind of miserable story along the lines, “I used to have a decent job until there were layoffs, and now I have to do this.” I commiserate. I tell them how shitty it must be to work for the TSA, feeling people’s genitals. My goal is that by the end of the procedure, I have reminded them of what they would rather forget: That they hate their jobs. I also hope that my sympathy for them is ultimately a source of humiliation.

  2. As long as you’re doing something to further the resistance, nobody has a right to say that you’re part of the problem. Thank you for doing something, anything, to push back.

    • Mister DNA says:

      Once the Magee/Alkon case is over and done with, I’ll be curious to hear your thoughts on Magee’s lawyer, who leaves the impression that appearing on television as a legal expert somehow translates into being a force of sheer awesomeness in the courtroom.

      Conversely, once the case is over, I might even tune into Nancy Grace if Magee’s lawyer shows up to offer her thoughts on the case, which will most likely be something like this, “Just a word of advice for you attorneys out there – if you sue someone and they retain Marc Randazza as counsel, prepare to get pwned… big-time.”

      • My opinion of Magee’s lawyer is incomplete. I have very little to work with in order to form an opinion. What I have to work with, that which is publicly available, is not stunning. However, perhaps she keeps the good stuff hidden from view, and she’s a really great lawyer, with really good judgment, who does great work for her clients. Lets not judge a book by its cover, or the introduction, or the synopsis…

  3. Wimpie says:

    “The Constitution is not so the government can restrain the people, it is so the people can restrain the government.” Patrick Henry

    The entire TSA should be folded up and moved to North Korea!

  4. Bill Fisher says:

    TSA is nothing more than a jobs program for unemployable misfits trying to create an illusion of airline security .Last month one of these ‘”professionals” was arrested in Maryland for possession of child pornography and another was arrested for drug smuggling at LAX.

    This was the fourth screener charged with smuggling drugs through security the last six months. These “drugs’ could just as well have been weapons or explosives carried aboard by a terrorist or intentionally planted in passenger baggage. The nine TSA screeners arrested for child sex crimes this year could have easily been coerced by terrorists into cooperating in order to conceal their crimes.

    There have been 56 TSA screeners arrested so far this year, a rate of one very six days. Of these, nine are charged with sex crimes involving children and four with helping to smuggle drugs through security. Of course, these screeners didn’t know for sure whether the contraband was drugs or explosives. So while TSA workers may take bribes that ultimately allow a bomb on a plane, you can be sure that there won’t be any four ounce containers or wet diapers getting past them.

    It is long past time to heavily reform or abolish this agency and replace it with something that works.

    TSA Crimes & Abuses

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