While you’re busy fellating Steve Jobs’ corpse…

Jonathan Mak's tribute to Jobs. Print it out and wipe your ass with it.

I don’t know if it is just my network of Facebook friends or what, but I’m getting a little sick of the public mourning in the wake of Steve Jobs’ death. (Edit – Clearly it is not just my friends who are fuckwits – see this gem sent by my friend, ADM) Honestly, if you left flowers at an apple store or stood outside one with an image of a candle on your iPad, you should be sterilized. Forcibly. Without anesthesia. You do not deserve to reproduce, and if your genes are actually carried forward, it will mean that mankind has devolved, even just a little bit.

A CEO of a big company died. You like the shit his company sold, and will continue to sell. Move on, you fools.

Don’t get me wrong, on some level I am indeed sad that he is dead. That level is pretty shallow though. He was 56 when he died. If I only make it that far, my kids will both attend my funeral while they are in high school. The thought of that makes me sad. So, on that level, I feel sad that he died… and that’s as far as it goes. But, that would apply to any 56 year old who died.

Meanwhile, it seems that at least half of my acquaintances are treating this like the dalai lama got hit by a bulldozer while he was giving CPR to the baby jesus, who planned to collaborate with him and Santa Claus to bring mankind to its final place of peace and brotherhood. Tributes, videos, weeping, that “here’s to the misfits” quote that he didn’t even write. I’ll admit, I like that quote:

Here’s to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They’re not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can’t do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do. – Apple Inc.

As cool as it is, that was NOT written by Steve Jobs. It is a clever piece of marketing written by some faceless drone, or a team of them at TBWA Worldwide, which is part of the global marketing group Omnicom. You think a “rebel” or a “troublemaker” would make it at Omnicom? Or at Steve Jobs’ Apple, for that matter?

No, that piece of fabulous inspiration was written to con you — to make you say “yeah, that’s me. I’m different! I need a Mac!”

I’m not saying that I have a beef with Apple’s products. I’m writing this on a dual-screen iMac, and my iPhone doesn’t sit too far away. I use a MacBook Air at work. I have four additional MacBooks lying around here, and two iPads. These tools work for me. But, I’m no more going to mourn the death of the guy who ran the company that made them than I am going to mourn the passing of the CEO of Bank of America if he gets his comeuppance.

While the fanboy mourning and corpse fellating continues around you, especially if you’re participating in it (you fucking sheep), remember that commercial from 1984? The one where Apple compared itself to some mythical freedom fighter, breaking the chains of tyranny? I wish that I could pwn that view as resoundingly as Mike Daisey. Since I can’t, here’s his pwning.

Because of its enormous strength in both music sales and mobile devices, Apple has more power than at any time in its history, and it is using that power to make the computing experience of its users less free, more locked down and more tightly regulated than ever before. All of Apple’s iDevices — the iPod, iPhone and iPad — use operating systems that deny the user access to their workings. Users cannot install programs themselves; they are downloaded from Apple’s servers, which Apple controls and curates, choosing at its whim what can and can’t be distributed, and where anything can be censored with little or no explanation.

The Steve Jobs who founded Apple as an anarchic company promoting the message of freedom, whose first projects with Stephen Wozniak were pirate boxes and computers with open schematics, would be taken aback by the future that Apple is forging. Today there is no tech company that looks more like the Big Brother from Apple’s iconic 1984 commercial than Apple itself, a testament to how quickly power can corrupt. (source)

Here’s to the crazy ones! Here’s to the misfits. Oh, and here’s to the outsourcing of jobs and miserable labor conditions! Yeah, everything you buy from Apple prominently and proudly states “Designed in California,” on it. Clever way to skirt around the issue that this “American” company saves a bundle by manufacturing its products in the same shitty conditions as everything else you buy except wooden toys from Vermont.

Apple’s rise to power in our time directly paralleled the transformation of global manufacturing. As recently as 10 years ago Apple’s computers were assembled in the United States, but today they are built in southern China under appalling labor conditions. Apple, like the vast majority of the electronics industry, skirts labor laws by subcontracting all its manufacturing to companies like Foxconn, a firm made infamous for suicides at its plants, a worker dying after working a 34-hour shift, widespread beatings, and a willingness to do whatever it takes to meet high quotas set by tech companies like Apple. (source)

But, this is all just profit-seeking behavior, right? A CEO has a right to squeeze every dime from the public he wants to. After all, that’s the point of a corporation – to make money and to dominate their market, if they can. Jobs was no different than any other CEO, and lets not forget that.

Oh wait, he was a little different.

Apple CEO Steve Jobs is known for his obsessive attention to detail and iron-fisted management style. He is often accused of making his subordinates cry and firing employees arbitrarily. But Jobs’ subordinates remain loyal. Several deputies–even those who have left the company–say they’ve never done better work. As one Apple employee told journalist John Martellaro, “His autocracy is balanced by his famous charisma–he can make the task of designing a power supply feel like a mission from God. (source)

So he was an autocratic, bullying, over-compensating, douchebag who brought plenty of evil to the world. He also was, in some part, responsible for creating the tools I use at work every day. So lets mourn him, just like we mourn the guy who invented the hammer or the wheelbarrow. Go about your business and stop being a fucking moron lemming.

Think different you fucking sheep.

40 Responses to While you’re busy fellating Steve Jobs’ corpse…

  1. obscureandoblique says:

    Well said. Thank you.

  2. Clint says:

    This is the best thing in response to Steve Jobs’s death that I’ve ever read.

  3. Sean F. says:

    Apple fanboys mourn Steve Jobs.
    Tech fanboys will mourn Steve Wozniak.

  4. stan47 says:

    You have done a fine job of calling attention to yourself. The unintended consequences of that attention just might turn out to be a bitch though. As I’ve heard it said, it’s better to keep silent and be suspected of being a fool than to open one’s mouth and remove all doubt.

  5. Charles Platt says:

    I believe the Jobs cult is a testimonial to the power of a narcissist to encourage adulation in the late 20th/early 21st century. I think it became noticeable to me when Madonna started becoming a cult icon in the 1980s. Narcissists believe so totally in their own importance, they can be quite compelling, encouraging other people to share the delusion. And, voila, a cult is born. I don’t see much difference, whether it’s based around a product or around a nebulous concept such as hope and change. The end result is the same. Uncritical homage.

  6. Luke says:

    The press here in Australia are calling this “Generation Y’s Lady Diana moment” – Could be true.
    I didn’t care about that either.

  7. J DeVoy says:

    I like Jobs more since all the stuff about his megalomaniacal management came to light. I previously thought he was some eccentric hippie engineer nerd. Now I realize he ruled like a true sociopath, making Apple’s success far more explicable.

    • fair enough… but nobody standing outside a Mac store with an iPad with a candle image on it feels that way. If you like the man who he was, you’ve got a right. But fuck the people who are in love with the image that never really existed.

      • J DeVoy says:

        No, I agree. I have no personal affection for him; I just think he created some wildly successful consumer products. I respect that, but don’t worship it, and certainly don’t have an emotional connection to it. I think he could have written a successful book about management, too.

    • Scott Jacobs says:

      Jobs’s greatest accomplishment was not only getting people to pay at least $150 more for a product than it was worth, but to also be happy about having done so, and furthermore willing to do it every single year.

  8. What people really mourn is the loss of that autocratic force, you’ve so cynically identified, which brought, for 35 or so years, an unparalleled and beneficial creative focus to an industry that simultaneously produced such craptastic wonders as CP/M, MS-DOS, Windows and a host of other user-unfriendly computer tools.

    We are left with the justifiable fear that Apple staffers will all go on post-Jobs PTSD leave, or some such, that will send the company into a creative death spiral not unlike the period after Scully and co. kicked Jobs out of the firm.

    That’s about the only loss the vast majority of us who didn’t know Jobs personally are capable of expressing. Oh, and also the loss of the man who drove his company to produce all those insanely great devices you and I both today rely upon, inspiring a remarkably robust and unprecedented market of amazing and useful apps… which firms like Microsoft and Google now struggle to emulate, and comparatively fail at.

    You can riff on equating people’s sense of loss with your perverse, graphic joke, but there’s no denying the impact the man had, which we’re all the better for.

    • whatever, fucking pussy. you should be sterilized.

    • Scott Jacobs says:

      a) it is unlikely the company will see a decline like the first time Jobs left, because this time he had a successor picked and ready to go. The first time they fired him and brought in a moron.

      b) I know you THINK that MS and Google devices fail at “emulating” Apple products, but you know what they CAN do?

      Use memory cards and run fucking Flash.

  9. m says:

    I feel bad for his family that he died at such a young age and sorry that he had to suffer through a particularly nasty disease. I would say the same about anyone who died at that age from that cause.

    Other than that, can’t say I care much, especially since a good friend of mine died of cancer Monday night and obviously I’m more wrapped up that, than in a bunch of sheep lionizing somebody they never met and trying to cast him as some sort of deity/ Buddha/ Kerouac rather than the pretty ruthless businessman he was.

    The cult of “celebrity dead” sure does inspire a lot of bandwagon-jumping and it gets pretty sickening at times.

    I agree with the first poster, well said, and thanks.

  10. I can’t believe people actually had flowers delivered to Apple stores or held some kind of candlelight e-vigil for Steve Jobs. I’ve officially found something that disgusts me more than the guy with the Facebook tattoo I saw on the street a couple of weeks ago.

  11. Fnord says:

    Says the guy who got all hot and bothered that people were badmouthing Christopher Columbus the other day.

  12. Robert says:

    Thanks for your sensitivity and empathy for folks who are feeling the loss of someone who empowered and unleased the creative process for so many.

    • Danno says:

      I’m glad he made you feel more creative. I use an iPhone and think it’s one of the best machines I’ve ever owned which is why I paid for it without inheriting a slavish devotion to Mr. Jobs. Money in exchange for product. Thanks, bye.

      Just to be square here: did you also feel a sense of loss when Jon Postel or Phil Katz died? I would contend they were more foundational than Jobs to things like, oh say, reading this blog on your computer right now.

      I think the point of Marc’s piece was a sincere request for some fucking balance. I would even add that all of the fanboy-ism stems from a deep insecurity that causes most Americans to glom on to any hero they can to worship. People I know that are self accomplished considered Jobs’ passing a shame, and then moved on.

  13. Whokebe says:

    u mad? Haha Randazza you fucken bitch. “Fuckwit” loser.

  14. Beth Hutchens says:

    Speaking of fellating, wasn’t it Jobs who dreamed of a porn free world?

  15. Sooooo, Jobs is Mr Wick?
    “Carey, I want you to take a message to Andrew in Accounting: happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, you’re fired now get out, happy birthday to you. Mimi, hold my calls.”

  16. Kat says:

    The Misfits quote is actually from Jack Kerouac’s ‘On the Road’. I like your post, but you should read your classics…

    • I wish that were true. It is not.

    • Jonathan VonTrapp says:

      Stupid Cunt Hippy, you go read your own classics.

      • Dude, was that really cool?

        Although yes, she should read her classics — because the Kerouac quote she is thinking of is this:

        “The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes “Awww!”

        So, while the Think Different campaign clearly was inspired by Kerouac, the Think Different quote is not from Kerouac. It is frequently misattributed by people who… well, who don’t know their Kerouac.


      • Jonathan VonTrapp says:

        My point exactly.

  17. Zachary says:

    The people who claim Jobs had a positive effect on the world are looking at things from the point of view of a middle/upper-middle class person in a developed country. The man created consumer electronic devices. It’s not like he really added much in the way of new technology, either; He was great at designing user interfaces.

    Jobs’ biggest accomplishment – and something he explicitly said was his goal in the past – was to make people bond their personal lives with technology. The only thing he helped create that was at all ground-breaking in the past couple decades was the i-phone, because it changed the way many (upper-middle class) people communicate socially.

    Jobs was also a marketing genius. He somehow managed to convince millions of people that Apple is a “socially/environmentally conscious” company, despite Apple having a reputation as one of the *least* charitable large corporations! (along with the Foxconn stuff, though most electronics companies are guilty of that)

    What makes this work of deception even more amazing is the fact that Bill Gates – an evil man in the eyes of many Apple fans – is one of the most charitable individuals on the planet. Bill Gates is a better person than Jobs could have ever hoped to have been, and his foundation is making a real difference in the lives of countless people. And even though Windows was less user-friendly than Apple OS’s, at least it was offered on computers that didn’t break the bank for most people.

    Steve Jobs was a marketing, PR, and design genius. There’s a lot we can learn from him. But he wasn’t a very good person, and there are many other people who have had a greater – and better – impact on the world.

    • Scott Jacobs says:

      I remember the video of Bill Gate’s “last few days” at MS that they showed at that E3… It was hilarious, and poked fun at him, and you could tell he had a good time with it.

      I suspect Jobs would never do such a thing, and would have murdered anyone who would day suggest a video poking fun at His High Holiness.

  18. Doug says:

    His citation of the Foxconn suicides is a deliberate distortion of reality. Yes, Foxconn has had some suicides. They also employ almost a million people. In 2010, 13 Foxconn employees committed suicide. To put that in perspective, the suicide rate in China as a whole is 13.85 per 100,000 per year. That means the Foxconn employee suicide rate is actually 90% lower than that of the general population.

    • Zachary says:

      This is true. Steve Jobs was also hardly unique in sourcing production from Foxconn. That being said, it is notable for one reason – Apple markets itself as being a very “socially conscious” company, when in reality it’s actually worse than most other computer/consumer electronics companies. Steve Jobs/Apple have a reputation of being notoriously uncharitable. Also, the fact that using Foxconn is the norm doesn’t make it good; the conditions/pay are still substantially worse than they should be, given the money the company as a whole makes*.

      *This is an important moral distinction that goes right over the heads of most people. Just because a company is offering pay/conditions that are better than its competitors doesn’t mean that it’s doing a good thing. If the company can afford to pay its workers X, they should be paying it at least somewhere in the ballpark of X. Paying workers far less than their work is worth because it’s their only/best option is pretty much the definition of exploitation. Another downside is that having foreign multinationals employ many or most of a region’s workers prevents the area from ever developing its own businesses and economy. This is why many believe aspects of globalization to be exploitative.

  19. Christina Brett says:

    “Here’s to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels…”

    You like that quote? You don’t think it drips smarmy fakery?

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