Newsflash: People Can’t ACTUALLY Be Douchebags!

Holy Shit! Breaking NEWS!

This just in, you guys:  a person can’t actually be a douchebag!  Breaking Freaking News!  Someone get that Drudge Report Siren up.  Done!

This is totally news to me, because until the Supreme Court of New York for New York County (phew) held differently, I really thought that when people called me a douche, they meant I was an actual, factual walking vaginal bulb syringe.  It was always so confusing.

All is made clear by this case.  Here, the principal of PR firm Four Corners Communication, Drew Kerr, registered the domain name, in order to criticize Ross Torossian, some rival douche in the sharks-and-jets world of PR, and placed a picture of a Summer’s Eve ad on the website.   In true douchebag form, Torossian got his panties in a twist and sued Kerr for defamation, among other things.

Not to be outdone in his valiant effort to be crowned king of the douches, Kerr called on his business insurance provider, Graphic Arts Mutual Insurance Company, to defend the suit.

[Aside:  How does this conversation go anyways?

Kerr:  Hi, I’d like to make a claim.
GAMIC:  Ok, what happened?
Kerr:  I called some guy on the internet a douche and I’d like you to pay to defend me.
GAMIC:  /facepalm

Aaaaaand scene!]

Turns out that Kerr and GAMIC’s contract contained a clause excluding from coverage “personal or advertising injury arising out of oral or written publication […] with knowledge of its falsity” and GAMIC didn’t want to defend contending that Kerr had knowledge that Torossian was not, in fact, a douchebag (despite all evidence to the contrary).  Kerr sues for breach.  The court held that because Kerr’s assertion was — wait for it — an opinion and not a provable fact, Kerr could not have knowledge of its falsity and thus GAMIC should have honored their contact.  Perhaps GAMIC and Torossian could go halfsies on a dictionary so they can look up literal falsehood.  Douches.

8 Responses to Newsflash: People Can’t ACTUALLY Be Douchebags!

  1. Jay Wells says:

    Marc: that red-and-blue flashing light with your head awkwardly pasted over it has to be one of the worst pieces of photoshopping I’ve seen. It was a bad idea in the first place, but the execution was pathetic.
    Your friend, Jay.

    • Christopher Harbin says:

      Jay, first that siren wasn’t photoshopped. I’m in law school — like I can afford Photoshop. If I could have, maybe that siren would be awesome to the max, but the only thing Marc ponies up for around here is chicken and porn. It was a kick dick idea though. Don’t bring me down, brother!

      But more to the point: are you trying to genericize the word Photoshop? Is this your sick twisted ploy to wrestle the trademark from Adobe? Remember, it’s always Adobe Photoshop(tm) Image Manipulation Software.

    • dude! check out the author before you slam!

  2. jfischer1975 says:

    Wait. You lost me. If a person can’t actually be a douche, when I say that you are a douche, isn’t that statement made with knowledge that it is, in fact, false? I’m with the insurance carrier here. Although Kerr should win the defamation suit, GAMIC shouldn’t have to foot the bill.

    • Christopher Harbin says:

      Your analysis would mean *any* opinion wouldn’t be covered by GAMIC. The language in the contract is meant to exclude defamation with a modified actual malice standard. Arguably, GAMIC would still have to defend where Kerr acted with reckless disregard as to the truth of the statement even though that would meet the actual malice standard. So the contract should be viewed in that light. It’s a media insurance company by God!

      So, by your analysis, almost any opinion posted by Kerr wouldn’t be covered but facts where Kerr wasn’t feeling particularly investigative would be. So, “Jim Tressel drinks wine coolers and saw Twilight at midnight” would be covered but “Urban Meyer is a crybaby” isn’t? Really?

  3. von snark says:

    and people say we’re a litigious country. ridiculous! this is obviously an important legal matter.

  4. C. says:

    In a non related story,People can’t really walk around with their head up their asses either.

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