Scientology is a Fraud? No ham for me! Pass the Jesus, please. Nom nom nom

The French decided to indict the Church of Scientology for fraud.

If found guilty, the church could be forced to shut down in France, though appeals could see the case continue for years.

“This is a process in heresy,” Daniele Gounord, the spokeswoman for Scientology in France, told reporters.

The two plaintiffs, both women, say they were defrauded by the organization, which is classified as a sect in France.

Their complaints focus on the use of a device that Scientologists say measures spiritual well-being. Members use the electropsychometer, or E-Meter, to “locate areas of spiritual duress or travail so they can be addressed and handled,” according to Scientology’s Web site. (source)

So lemme get this straight: Scientology is a “fraud,” because they believe in aliens and e-meters.


Don't nom nom nom the magic space zombie jew guy! Nom nom nom meeeee!

Meanwhile, Jews and Muslims think that there is a supreme being that gives a shit if they eat ham, and who demands that they cut a little piece of their dick off.

Christians believe in a magic space zombie, who happens to be a Jew, and who Muslims think is a prophet, but only christians eat a little cracker that is made of magic space zombie jewness. Muslims take a month off from eating for a guy they can’t even see pictures of, let alone see the real guy. Mormons believe that a guy who couldn’t find a job found these magic tablets that nobody else could see, and found out that the magic space zombie jew guy didn’t die, but he moved to Utah and turned bad people different colors. Hindus and their octopus people who shit fire? Are you kidding me? And an e-meter is bullshit??? If ONLY the worst thing a “religion” ever did was sell you shit that didn’t work! You know what? Sea monkeys don’t really look like the picture in the comic books either! Big shocker!

Scientology sounds like bullshit, but compared to “mainstream” religions, it sounds downright sensible, and nobody who believes in saying “nom nom nom, I just ate God,” has any business calling Scientology a “fraud.”

If the French are gonna indict Scientology, I hope they’re lining up all the frauds and scam artists.

Line up the priests, the rabbis, and the imams and indict the lot of them!!!

15 Responses to Scientology is a Fraud? No ham for me! Pass the Jesus, please. Nom nom nom

  1. Brian Sizer says:

    Hey Marc, that “magic space zombie” comment of FB was so funny I googled it and your blog was the first hit. I have to admit this is an extremely humorous, and somewhat true, view of religion, most of which are total bs. Yes, I sometimes eat the crackers but it’s just a cracker to me; a cracker which symbolizes Jesus. I think the Catholics, at least some of them, believe the cracker transforms to flesh or something crazy. Anyway, I’m not delving to deep into all that; again, you write some damn funny stuff.

  2. Mike in Norcal says:

    Surely you’re not claiming that wrapping yourself in a “religion” is a way to fraud-proof your actions? Regardless of the beliefs of the parties involved, there may in fact be fraudulent activity here. That’s why it’s in the courts, no?

    All religions, like all families, are crazy in their own way. That doesn’t excuse them from illegal behavior.

  3. […] Mash The Daily Mash – CHURCH OF SCIENTOLOGY GUILTY OF ACTING LIKE A CHURCH The Legal Satyricon Scientology is a Fraud? No ham for me! Pass the Jesus, please. Nom nom nom The Legal Satyricon Emerging Christian Emerging Christian – My story of evolving faith – Peter J. Walker: France: on […]

  4. Vedrfolnir says:

    Right on skippy! Kick religious ass!

  5. Jordan says:

    I think the question came down to: are they selling religious services or medical services? The E-Meter was supposed to have medical benefits, which it does not. Therefore, they were found guilty not of acting like a religion, but of acting like a snake oil salesman.

  6. AG says:

    Hilarious, well-put, and right on point. I’m loving this blog.

    Jordan – Christian Scientists don’t go to doctors. Scientologists do. I’ve never heard of Scientology making an explicit claim that use of an e-meter will alleviate illness. If you have documentation of such a claim, please post, I’d be very interested.

  7. Jordan says:

    Isn’t the whole point of scientologists’ auditing sessions to eliminate their thetans and get ride of mental illness and pain? Isn’t the E-Meter a fundamental tool of auditing?

    I agree with everyone here that all religions are silly, but by creating a religion built around “science” and claiming that they can cure all illness, aren’t they opening themselves up to litigation for fraud when their science turns out to be bogus?

  8. Pat says:

    “If ONLY the worst thing a “religion” ever did was sell you shit that didn’t work!”

    Well that, plus the forced child labor, the required ostracization of your family, and the murdering of their followers. (If you believe the St. Petersurg Times’ numerous takedowns).

  9. Jay says:

    Hey, I know I’m late to this party, but if you have no experience with Scientology, then you don’t understand the harm it can do. Unfortunately, I do have very personal experience with it, and I’ve lost two good friends to it. The French judgment is spot-on, folks. It is a scam.

    Just sayin’ is all.

    • Maybe so… but how can it be less of a scam than christianity, islam, judaism, or mormonism?

      It seems that if you can perpetrate a scam long enough, it gets called a “religion”

      • Jay says:

        Apologies. I was not clear. I do not disagree with your views on religion in general. I am an atheist. I find it sad and disturbing that people can be deluded and victimized so easily by exploiting their natural fear of death. Simultaneously, I believe people ought to be able to believe in any fairy tale they choose, so long as they’re willing to have those beliefs critically scrutinized and questioned. For instance, there is in my garden an invisible old goat, who commands me to download 2 gigabytes of hot, filthy tranny porn per day or else I shall suffer a lifetime of listening to Milli Vanilli songs sung by Nancy Pelosi. Which is, to me, far more frightening than eternal damnation. I must comply with the goat’s demands.

        I won’t waste anyone’s time with a detailed critique of Scientology. I’ll just say that my personal experience with Scientology leads me to believe that it is inherently more dangerous, more destructive than any mainstream religion in the present day. Feel free to ask me about it offline.

  10. Perhaps we should consider what we mean by scam? Making claims of producing intangible benefits might sound like a scam, but how do you measure the results of said services? As a Christian myself, maybe I have been brainwashed into believing I am receiving the benefits of faith in Jesus Christ, but maybe I am actually receiving them. When we start dealing with subjective things, objective measures stop working as the standard.

    The case referenced here appears to have been a standard case of someone claiming to produce measurable psychological benefits for money. This would be a legal case of fraud in a legal environment that regulates such activities (through the granting of licences for psychologists, etc.). As such, this is in the objective category and can be treated as such.

    Now I am aware of the many abuses of religion and the bad name that that has produced, but perhaps the world would do religion a favor by not judging the abuses as if they were representative of the religion’s teachings. Religion is a natural magnet for con artists because people’s deepest needs can be manipulated into a great source of personal gain. However, looking at what a religion actually teaches, (Christianity is a good example here, because its teachings have been the most abused and the most neglected by its followers), sometimes you get surprised. As a side note, I almost never hear anyone lamenting the horrers of atheism’s incidents of brainwashing and massive violence. Communism, Nazism, Fascism, etc. have long and bloody histories, and it is all consistent with the idea that anything goes if nobody cares. But if Christians kill people, everyone gets up in arms (which they should), and says that Christianity is wrong (which they should get other justification for).

    • Abhishek says:

      I look at the matter differently. Individuals should be responsible for their actions. The kind of thing the French court looks at is not much different from what a lot of other religions claim. Short of an explicit contract, which there wasn’t in this case, vague promises about well-being do not constitute fraud.

      In a country that truly respects freedom, neither would Scientology be banned (or prosecuted) nor would its detractors and critics be shut up by legal means.

      You might be interested in my post and discussion on this issue.

  11. Sryope says:

    Rock on Mr. Benjamin Middaugh!

  12. Robert Sparks says:

    I love this. Religion was cool when the greeks were figuring out that two triangles make up a square.

    My real reason for commenting is to tell you that your white subtitle is almost impossible to read over your grayscale face. I recommend repositioning it, or rethinking its color. ;-)

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