This is COLUMBUS DAY!!!

Pick another day, Crybabies!!!!

Pick another day, Crybabies!!!!

This is COLUMBUS DAY.

I’d like to invite anyone whose name ends with a vowel (Persians excluded) to raise their hands, extend their middle fingers, and flip off the Native Americans, the hippies, and everyone else in the International Association of Crybabies who has a piss and a moan about Christopher Columbus.

This is not “indigenous people’s day,” it is not “la dia de la raza” and it isn’t frigging “wear a beret, listen to Joni Mitchell, and wear patchoulli day.”

To the “Native Americans” who have a beef with Columbus Day — suck it. First off, it isn’t as though you sprang from the goddamned earth in Foxwoods. You’re immigrants too. You just wandered across ice to get here. We took boats. You were here first? I give a fuck? In fact, you’re at best the third wave of “Indians” to get here. What happened to the other two? You fuckers killed them. So get off your high horses or whatever you were riding before the Spanish brought horses here.

There was a war. You lost. That’s how it works. That’s why the Celts wound up living in Ireland, Scotland, and every shitty rain-soaked crag in which they could cling to life — because they lost wars. That’s why nobody speaks Gaulish or whatever Vercingetorix spoke. They lost the damn war.

Sorry you crybaby fucks. That’s what happens when you LOSE A WAR. Trust me, the Italians know how you feel. We suck at wars. We used to be awesome at them. That ended some time around 400 A.D. Since then, the Italians are the Chicago Cubs of warfare. (But you’re the Padres)

Tons of us came here to get away from the consequences of being really shitty at fighting wars. It worked out for us. We gave the world the thermometer, barometer, piano, electric battery, nitroglycerin, eyeglasses, the radio, and The Telephone.

We turned ghettoes into neighborhoods where people would kill to have a studio apartment. (Yes, I know that is the Gays’ job now, but it used to be ours) We taught the mayonnaise-faces what good food tastes like. We gave America 39 Medal of Honor recipients. We gave America Filippo Mazzei, John Basilone, Frank Sinatra, Tony Bennett, Lawrence Ferlinghetti, Bruce Springsteen, Vince Lombardi, and Gino the Ginny. You know what their middle names are? “Fuckin” that’s what.

We gave America its NAME for chrissakes.

You know what America gave us in exchange? A holiday. Good enough for us.

And you know what? America didn’t even give it to us, we took it. You know why? Because at the turn of the last century, Italians and other Catholic immigrants weren’t exactly what you would call “welcome” here. Yes, they used to lynch Italians too. So, the Catholics and Italians started organizations like the Knights of Columbus as a way to band together against the bigotry they encountered. They thought that by choosing Christopher Columbus as their symbol, it would show that if an Italian “discovered” America, then as Italians, they belonged here.

So you assholes can run your little left-wing crybaby agenda on any one of the 364 other days. I don’t give a damn if you managed to get every crap stained woodstock love child, fucking Peruvian flute band, and liberal academic to weep with you as you look at the pollution on the highway. This is our holiday, and you can kiss my ass if you have a problem with it.

Don’t get me wrong. I generally have nothing but love for my Native American brothers and sisters. (although obviously not on October 12) I think that they got a crappy deal. I’m with them when they get pissed off at the completely racist Cleveland Indians logo, and I don’t think you should call a team “The Redskins” if you wouldn’t call it “The Jigaboos” (yes, its the same damn thing). I think that America DOES owe the Native Americans a little something — and it ought to be something better than the right to build casinos. We owe them respect, help, and dammit, we ought to put a hell of a lot of effort into preserving their cultures.

Shaddap about Columbus Day or I'll give you somethin' to really cry about!

This guy is actually SICILIAN.

But you know what, Tonto? If you have a beef, its with the British, the French, the Spanish, and the white-bread assholes who kicked your asses. Lord Jeffrey Amherst gave you the smallpox infected blankets, not Al Pacino. You picked a fight with the wrong people, because the Italians never did jack shit to you. So get the fuck off my holiday.

Personally, I don’t know why we’re all down on the Conquistadors anyhow. Leonidas killed 20,000 ill-equipped, poorly trained, forced-to-fight losers and we call him a hero for the ages. A couple hundred Spaniards kick the crap out of an entire empire of human sacrificing, child-raping, savage nutbags who make Jerry Falwell look sane, and we think it was an awful sin?

Columbus sailed the ocean blue in 1492 and then your lives started to suck. Boo hoo frigging hoo. The Conquistadors followed Columbus and took all the gold. Yeah that sucks. If the Mayans had seen the Spanish Inquisition, they’d have called it amateur hour. I got news for you, your lives sucked before Columbus got here.

You know what else sucks? When you screw with our holiday.

So here’s the deal. Take out the calendar. No, not that stupid Mayan one that is going to be worthless in 3 years, the REAL calendar.

You want a holiday? Be my guest. Pick any day on the calendar except October 31, February 14, March 17, January 1, or July 4. I don’t even care if you want Christmas, but picking THAT will be a marketing nightmare.

You know which day would be an awesome Indigenous People’s Day? How about the Friday after Thanksgiving? Most of us have the day off anyhow. The pilgrims wouldn’t have survived without your help. So, the day after Thanksgiving, as we’re all resting up and glad that we have four days in a row off, we can thank you. Thank you for saving the Pilgrims’ asses. Thank you for basketball, and chewing gum, and chocolate. Thank you for potatoes and tomatoes. Thank you for the windtalkers. Thank you for really cool art. Thank you for whatever the hell else you did that was worthwhile. Thank you for not stabbing every person in a Cleveland Indians shirt. Thank you for not setting off bombs at Redskins games. Thank you for being pretty damn cool about one of the most royal screw jobs in the history of mankind.

But most of all, thank you for quitting your damn bitching about Columbus Day.

13 Responses to This is COLUMBUS DAY!!!

  1. Rose says:

    Awesome. We should make a National Hitler Day too. Screw all the whiners who will be offended. There were probably a lot of good things that came out of WWII. The crybabies just don’t understand that there actually is NO difference between war and genocide. And it’s totally obvious that people who don’t like Hitler have a problem with all Germans. It’s just terrible.

  2. blueollie says:

    Don’t mess with Columbus day and no one gets hurt.

  3. Clint says:

    A holiday for someone who didn’t actually discover america, and fucked a 14 year old, is a bit like a nobel peace prize for someone who hasn’t actually done anything yet.

  4. hawkhead says:

    Not just didn’t discover America, and fucked a 14 year old, but was recalled from New Spain and imprisoned back in Castile because, among other things, of his policy of brutal, sadistic torture of the Taino while governor. (This isn’t some kind of “using our moral to condemn him” thing; Ferdinand and Isabella themselves recalled him.)

    And, in any event, October 12 is Native American Day in South Dakota, where they don’t observe Columbus Day.

    If Italians want to have a day like St. Patrick’s Day, I’m all for it. Just don’t pick a child-fucker who couldn’t navigate for shit and whose only actual accomplishment was enslaving the Greater Antilles.

  5. […] The Legal Satyricon defends Columbus Day (as a pro-Italian holiday); gets blistered in the comments. Heck, read it if you like “stir the pot to get a rise out of people” type of posts. […]

  6. Ken says:

    The American Indian population is still oppressed to this day. Most live at or near poverty and are among the worst in graduation rates. Though humorously satirical, your blog post was a bit heavy handed.

    As for radio, let’s be fair as you were fair and equitable about who invented “The Telephone”, which you reference to in this article. Otherwise you yourself would be helping to perpetuate another great lie.

    From: http://www.pbs.org/tesla/ll/ll_whoradio.html

    “1943—a few months after Tesla’s death … the U.S. Supreme Court upheld Tesla’s radio patent number 645,576.”

    “”The Patent Office made the following comment in 1903:

    “Many of the claims are not patentable over Tesla patent numbers 645,576 and 649,621, of record, the amendment to overcome said references as well as Marconi’s pretended ignorance of the nature of a “Tesla oscillator” being little short of absurd… the term “Tesla oscillator” has become a household word on both continents [Europe and North America].””

    As for Columbus, an explorer he was but a great man he was not and most Italians, me included, do not celebrate him on any day. Let’s just substitute Columbus Day with “Italiano Day” and we can all share a tray of lasagna.

    Be good, Be safe, Be productive.

    • I’m not sure I’d call them “oppressed.” Being poor sucks. If you’re Native American and live in a place that is otherwise a dump, then you’re poor in America. That’s not a good thing to be. On the other hand, if you are a member of the right tribe, you get big fat casino profit distribution checks just for drawing breaths every day. To say that the Native American population is universally oppressed is inaccurate. I’d trade part of my heritage for enough Seminole or Miccosukee blood to collect those casino checks.

      Speaking of inaccurate, I’m surprised to hear that Tesla invented the radio! I stand corrected.

      And you know what? If the International Association of Crybabies was calling for Columbus Day to be renamed “Italiano Day,” I’d have little to gripe about. But, they aren’t content with dissing Columbus. They want to take that particular day. So screw them.

  7. Jozef says:

    I, for one, like the article. I don’t see any reason to cry over something that happened 500+ years ago when all entities responsible are long gone. And the fact remains that the discovery of America (as in “finding it and reporting back to the civilized world”) was one of the greatest turning points in the history of modern civilization, and that day should be properly commemorated.

    That said, I do have one comment about the article: I’d add the “Yankees” into the same category of sports team names as “Indians” or “Redskins”. Very offensive, especially given the fact that “Yankees suck” or “To hell with the Yankees” is a much more common phrase than similar phrases about the Indians or Redskins.

    • Mike says:

      Speaking as a lifelong massachusetts citizen. I always thought of a Yankee as one of its more original definitation, somebody from new england. I also have been known to shout “Yankee Suck” on many occasions. I can somewhat safely say that there aren’t many of us here in New England that feel oppressed when an angry mob is shouting “Yankees Suck” since I’m pretty sure that chant started right here in new england.

  8. Kt D says:

    Wow. Honestly, I really don’t think Columbus Day celebrates the Italians all that much. Mostly, it focuses on a man who actually killed and forcefully “colonized” numerous indigenous peoples in the Americas. I would hardly call it a “war”. Columbus and his men had far superior weapons (as well as many diseases that native peoples had no real immunity against) with them–and they just killed a bunch of people and took their land. But to me, it seems that Columbus Day is shrinking in significance anyway. I think many people realize the problems with celebrating this man.
    There is an interesting video on all of this at newsy.com. It summarizes a few different perspectives on the day and cites various sources. It’s worth watching/commenting on if you have a couple of minutes:

    http://www.newsy.com/videos/columbus_day_changes_over_time

    • Ya, and Leonidas had the equivalent of thermonuclear weapons against tissue paper. What’s your point? Thats how you win. You beat the other guy with superior force and technology. I don’t see you crying for the poor Celts, who were driven out of what is now Switzerland and forced to the ends of the British Isles and the crags of Spain and France. You bitching for the Ainu? No. You know why not? Because its not fucking fashionable to whine and cry at “Celtic Rights Day,” or “Ainu Day” at some bullshit liberal arts college.

  9. Marco, did you read 1491? There was a lot going on here before we brought the horses and technology (and germs!).

    Also, you’re right that the Seminole and Miccosukee tribes are wealthy, but many of the tribespeople are still quite impoverished.

    Guess government sucks everywhere.

    • No, I haven’t, but I agree that there was plenty happening here before Columbus arrived. I wish to take nothing from that, and I mean no disrespect to our Native friends. My only gripe is that they’ve chosen MY day to use as their day to air their grievances. Why don’t they take on July 4th? America did this to them, not Columbus and not the Italians.

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