The New York Times “Room for Debate” section asks Does the U.S. Need an Auto Industry?
They didn’t ask me what I think, so I’m just going to tell everyone here.
The U.S. does need an auto industry — but it does NOT need the auto industry that we have, and that we have had, for the past 50 years.
The three dinosaurs have refused to adapt. Ford, GM, and Chrysler think that merely advertising small penis machines” to the masses as an affirmation of their “individualistic ruggedness” was all the innovation they needed. Well, that lasted for a few years, and now the party is over.
Here is the Randazza Plan to Restructure the Auto Industry.
Step one, Take every single high-ranking executive from the big three, drag them into the street and beat them, cover them in syrup, and release 1,000,000 bees.
Step two: Confiscate every dime those executives or their extended families have, and distribute it to the workers who built the companies. I don’t care if some of those people lose money that they rightfully earned. Sometimes life is really unfair — like when your uncle exports a job to Mexico. The guy who lost his job didn’t do anything wrong either, but Flint, Michigan still died as a result.
Step three: Declare “open season” on any passenger vehicle that gets less than 12 miles to the gallon. Just make it legal to vandalize or steal them.
Step four: This is the big one — The Glengarry / Glen Ross program. A bonus/bailout/prize program for the auto industry.
The target — a car that will run 500 miles on a single charge, with built in photovoltaic cells so it can trickle charge when parked, plug in capability, that is dependable and reliable as a Honda Civic, that costs $30,000 or less.
The first American-owned and American-based company to build this car with more than 75% of its components built in the United States, and all its assembly in the United States, gets a prize.
First prize is $3 billion and the biggest vehicle contract the government may have open.
Second prize is $500 million and the second biggest vehicle contract the government may have open.
Third prize is a set of steak knives — and certain death for that company if it happens to be one of the “big” three.
I have prepared a speech for Obama to give to the big three, and every little entrepreneur out there in “America needs a carmaker” land.
Put this on the teleprompter, and watch what happens:
Let me have your attention for a moment! So you’re talking about what? Union guy, you’re bitching about “exported jobs” and “management?” Shareholders? You’re talking about your stock tanking? Management and CEO’s, you’re bitching about the unions? You’re all bitching about someone and so-forth?
No bailout money for any of you losers. Bailout money is for winners. Do you think I’m fucking with you?
I am not fucking with you.
I’m here from Washington. I’m here from the American taxpayers. And I’m here on a mission of mercy.
You call yourselves Americans, you sons of bitches?
You don’t want to be talked to like this? You don’t need to take it. ‘Cause the good news is — you’re all off the government tit. No bailout. No government contracts. No unemployment payments. Nothing. And it is fuckin’ cold in Michigan with no money to pay the heating bill.
Oh, have I got your attention now?
The bad news is you’ve got, all you got, just one year to get your shit together. ‘Cause we’re adding a little something to the bailout bill.
As you all know, first prize is $3 billion. Second prize is $500 million. Third prize is a set of steak knives and the corporate death penalty.
You get the picture? You’re laughing now? You got people. You got technology. You can’t make a decent car that we need, you can’t make shit, you ARE shit, hit the bricks pal and beat it ’cause you are going out!!!
General Motors: But we can’t compete with the Japanese.
Obama: You can’t compete because you are LOSERS! You go home and tell your wife your troubles. Because only one thing counts in this life! Build. Something. Competitive! You hear me, you fucking faggots?
You want bailout money? Get the job done!! You think this is abuse? You think this is abuse, you cocksuckers? You can’t take this — how can you take the abuse you get when you’re all out on your asses and bankrupt?! You don’t like it — move your whole plant, management, and workers to fuckin Mexico. You sons of bitches! Get mad!! You know what it takes to make cars? The Germans do. The Koreans do. The Japanese do. The Swedes do. And this program says “American owned.” You think the Koreans aren’t savvy enough to just START a fucking car company here with 51% American ownership? Think again.
You wanna go out and get the prize, it’s yours. If not you’re going to be shining my shoes. Bunch of losers sitting around in a bar. (in a mocking weak voice) “Oh yeah, I used to be an auto executive, a line worker, it’s a tough racket.”
Now get out there and do your goddamn jobs. Unions? Management? Suppliers? You better get your shit together, because all of you wind up in the same boat if you come in third.
Tesla Motors… are you listening?
If you’re an executive with Ford, GM, or Chrysler (not that any of them read this blog, but you never know), watch and learn: