Easter: A holiday during which we use pagan rabbit and egg fertility symbols to celebrate a fairy tale about a guy who was his own father who was the greatest guy ever, so they nailed him to a piece of wood and then he turned into a cosmic Jewish zombie who doesn’t want to eat our brains (like regular zombies) but rather says that he can zap away an evil force that is in you because a rib woman ate a fruit because of a talking snake if only you will telepathically tell him that he’s the greatest guy ever and never masturbate, look at porn, or vote for a democrat.
And despite how utterly stupid I think the whole thing is, it doesn’t make pictures of your kids with a giant bunny any less adorable.
Personally, I’m fascinated by the Eastern European Easter traditions. On Easter Monday, men are supposed to throw water at women and then spank them with a special whip made of willow rods with colored ribbons at the end. (source) Apparently, the spanking should be painless and symbolic, but is necessary for the women to remain healthy and beautiful for the upcoming year. (source) Good thing I married a Polish girl.
Pagan fertility symbols, zombies, and mild spanking. Count me in!
Tune in tomorrow for a report on how Mrs. Satyricon reacts to me re-introducing her to the Easter traditions of her ancestors.