Top Ten Ways to Stop Genericidists (They who commit acts of Genericide upon Trademarks)
1) Have Mr. Hand go to their house and lecture them on the evils of genericide on the night of the big fiesta.
2) Stand outside the genericidist’s window and sing “Skyrockets in Flight” until they agree to stop. (Or … Allllll that she wants, is another baby… oh yeah… Allllll that she wants… is another baby, oh whoah… ) That’ll teach em. (good luck getting that out of your head now… heh heh heh)
3) You ever hear of the neutron bomb? Destroys people – leaves buildings standing. Fits in a suitcase. It’s so small, no one knows it’s there until – BLAMMO. Eyes melt, skin explodes, everybody dead. So immoral, working on the thing can drive you mad. (That’s what happened to this friend of mine. So he had a lobotomy. Now he’s well again).
4) There is no need to stop the genericiist. Genericidists shall be cut off: but those that respect trademarks, they shall inherit the earth.
5) Inform all genericidists that if they use trademarks generically, they hate America and they hate the troops. You may do this verbally or with a jingoistic magnet on your car.
6) Every trademark lawyer should have a pack of “anti-genericide dogs” trained by Michael Vick that can be released upon a genericidist. RELEASE THE HOUNDS!
7) Make any retailer that wishes to sell your products recite the Following under penalty of perjury: “I shall not cause harm to any trademark nor the rights flowing therefrom, nor through inaction allow that trademark or the the rights flowing therefrom to come to harm.”
8 ) Break two of the genericidist’s fingers. When you do the first one, say “This is for Zhora.” When you do the second, say “This is for Pris.”
9) Push them down the escalator. When they break their leg, throw them a band-aid. If they say “but I have a broken leg,” toss them a Kleenex and tell them to go cry into it.
And the best way to prevent genericide….
10) Wait until the genericidist is walking alone and have five guys jump them and beat them up screaming “WHAT’S THE FREQUENCY, KENNETH?” Have you heard Dan Rather use XEROX® as a verb since that event? — I think not.