The most dangerous car?

November 3, 2014

This weekend, I was lecturing my kids before they went out to ride bikes. I asked them “what is the most dangerous car?” The answer I was looking for was “a car going in reverse.”

My son furrowed his brow, and then his eyes popped!


I hugged him and said “That is exactly right, you get full points. But also watch out for cars backing out of their driveways.”

And isn’t that sad?

When I was a kid, we were taught that the police were our friends. In some towns, that might still be the case. And, for a four year old, that is still probably the case, no matter where you are, as long as that four year old is not black. I’m not exactly sure when a black kid turns into “the enemy” to the police, Black kids turn into the enemy at about 10 years old (source), and sooner or later, we all do.

When that day happens for my kids, I want them to realize that the best thing to do when it comes to the police is to avoid any contact with them whatsoever.

And this comes from a guy who used to be an attorney for the Police Benevolent Association.

I applaud for Google

November 3, 2014

You all remember SkyNet Google? You know, that little company that could? The one that swore “Don’t Be Evil” and “Make the World a Better Place” were its mantras?

Yeah, then they turned into a bunch of evil fucks who would wrap the constitution around the Hulk’s dick and tell it to rape a handicapped child, as long as it increased their stock value?

Well, at least they finally made a move in the right direction. They finally admit that maybe they have “outgrown” the “Don’t Be Evil” thing. (source) It is nice to hear them speaking the truth.

My awesomeometer just exploded

November 1, 2014

Yours will too if you watch this (Gwar covers The Pet Shop Boys and Jim Carroll)

Catcalling is for Genetic Refuse

November 1, 2014

We are here for one reason — to fuck. The old DNA says “spawn or go extinct.” We may have frolics and detours along the way, to either make the rest of our existence more tolerable, or to make the entire group experience more likely to lead to success — and thus more fuckin’. This explains, to me, nature tossing in homosexuality, despite a lack of immediate reproductive benefit to the species.

So here we are, guys generally want to fuck anything that moves. Women need to be more selective, because they can only be pregnant by one at a time. It makes sense that the boys want to fuck more than the girls, until the girls find a guy that they really wanna fuck, and then they ovulate all over the place. There, life decoded for you.

So lets do an experiment: We have an attractive woman, perhaps wearing attire that is specifically designed to attract male attention. She walks down the street, and she gets all kinds of male attention. Then, she’s all pissed off that guys pay attention.

Fair enough.

I agree that a woman should be allowed to walk around with non-verbal cues that scream “I WANT TO BE FUCKED RIGHT NOW” and still, it is a desirable cultural norm that we don’t actually get to fuck her, nor get to treat her like she’s just there for the fucking (I mean, unless that’s what she wants). Consider me a feminist, I guess.

Now, does she have a right to an existence without hearing guys hoot, holler, and catcall? Meh, maybe. I’m a little on the fence about it.

Which means that I don’t really mind the anti-catcalling crowd exercising its First Amendment right to protest and criticize this practice. I just think they’re making everyone dumber with their approach.

But, sorry to mansplain it ladies, you’re doing it wrong.

The only time I’ve ever experienced anything like catcalls was when I was in my early 20s, walking through a neighborhood full of Brazilian transsexual hookers in Rome. I’m pretty sure that they were not being sincere about yelling “ciao bello” at me, so much as they just wanted me to spend 20,000 Lire on a blowjob. ‘Course, it didn’t piss me off, because I saw the logic in it. If a guy wants a blowjob more than he wants 20,000 Lire, it helps to know who would rather have 20,000 Lire than a mouth that doesn’t have someone’s dick in it.

Simple commercial speech.

Ok, so that’s not even remotely the same thing.

But, I still want to offer my assistance to the anti-catcalling crowd.

Catcalling pisses me off too. Why? Because I know it bothers women. I got a wife, a daughter, and a mom. Don’t fucking bother them, or I’ll punch you.

But, lemme cocksplain it for any man who still doesn’t get it.

Dude, you are correct. She would not be dressed like that if she did not want to attract male attention. It might SEEM irrational for a girl to put on a miniskirt and fuck-me heels, and then act all pissy if guys notice. There are two reasons that “you don’t dress like that to avoid attention, bitch” doesn’t work as an argument.

ONE: Women are allowed to be irrational. Yes. They are nucking futs. The sanest, coolest, most awesomest girl in the world will tell you that. Their system gets flooded with fucked up hormones on a regular basis, and they’re biologically supposed to be pregnant like 17 times in their lifetime. Now, you’re trying to fit THAT into modern society? Good luck making that work. They’re allowed to be crazy, because by all rights, they ought to be the ones running through shopping malls with machine guns. The fact that they just refuse to make any sense to your mind is pretty blessed mercy. Call it a win and move on. (And ladies, thank you).

TWO: Even though they’re allowed to be, THEY ARE NOT BEING IRRATIONAL, you dumb fucks. Because you know what? She is dressed like that to attract attention, just not from you, you lowlife prole piece of shit motherfucker. Ok? Do you now understand?

Yes, she’s wearing tight jeans to accentuate the shape of her ass because she wants a guy to notice that she has a nice ass. She’s wearing a short skirt because she wants a guy to notice. Or whatever she did to make herself look hot, she did do that because on some level, she does want a penis to come running after her, with its life support system (the man) attached to it.


Yes, she’s looking to get fucked, but NOT BY YOU.

How do I know that?

Lets start by looking at the “harassment.” I use that term loosely, because it seems somewhat untethered from its actual meaning, sometimes. It applies to “get over here and suck my dick, whore!” (which in my humble opinion is clearly harassment) to “good morning” (which is not). But, see rule #1. She’s allowed to think it is harassing, even if all you say is “good morning.” She gets to feel how she wants to feel. If you don’t get that, you ain’t getting laid, because you’re a douche.

Yes. Exactly. You are ugly physically, mentally, and emotionally to this girl. EXACTLY. So now fuck off.

Yes. Exactly. You are ugly physically, mentally, and emotionally to this girl. EXACTLY. So now fuck off.

Yes, it makes her an uptight bitch if “good morning” makes her ass pucker in fear and anger. She’s allowed to be an “uptight bitch.” Because you know what “uptight bitch” actually means? She’s an uptight bitch TO YOU. You can bet your life that if the kind of guy she wanted, and she’s been looking for, said “good morning,” he could separate her from her panties in 4 hours or less. If she turns up her nose, all that says is “you are not that guy, get over it. Find someone at your level, because I am way the fuck above it.” She doesn’t “deserve” to consider herself to be better than you? Fuck you. You don’t get to decide that. It’s her vagina. Her standards. If her standards are unrealistic, she will figure that out. But no matter how low her standards go, she will never fuck the guy who catcalls her.


Now how about something a little less innocuous, but not awful. “Hey baby!” That’s one that some guys might try. Or whatever, insert catcall here. It doesn’t matter. Because if you have to resort to catcalling, by definition, you’re a shitty choice. You’re a bad mate choice. You’re not likely to be able to provide a comfortable life, good parenting assistance, or even interesting conversation in between bouts of coitus. You’re genetic refuse. Go jerk off into a sock until you figure out how to be worth more, dipshit.


In other words, yes, she has lovely plumage. You’ve strutted your stuff, and in 2 seconds, you communicated 4 billion years of evolutionary information to that woman’s ovaries — “THIS IS A BAD MATE, MOVE ON.”


And THAT is the message that you need to get out there, if you’re trying to end this kind of thing. Yes, yes, I know that every fucking Dworkinite out there wants this to be about the political construct of the phallocracy, or some other dumb shit. No. Its not about oppression. It is not about anything else but this very simple equation: These guys are doing what they believe is most likely to maximize their chances of putting their penis in that woman’s vagina. Somehow, they think that this will work. Guys would smear chipmunk feces on their faces if they thought it would get them laid. The ad campaign needs to be “IT DOES NOT WORK – IN FACT, IT ENSURES THAT YOU WILL NOT GET LAID!” There. Done.

Caveat: catcalling can sorta work – for bystanders. Its a great conversation starter. Dipshit says “hey, nice cunt” or something like that. Then, you look over and her and say “if that works, give me a chance to come up with something just as clever, ok?” She laughs. Dipshit leaves. You have just been dealt an inside straight. You take it from there.

You’re not going to elevate the social consciousness of the catcalling dumbass. They’re just stupid.

Stupid. Genetic. Refuse.

Their DNA is supposed to be left on the cutting room floor of life’s epic film. So, ladies, either just let that happen, or if you really want to convince guys to cut it out, you gotta speak to them rationally. Because guys are, if nothing else, rational, when it comes to getting laid. If they think it can work, they’ll try it. If they know it won’t work, they won’t do it. That’s the missing message.

You’re welcome.

Lets Play Find the Defamation (updated)

November 1, 2014

Class, please watch the following video. There will be a quiz afterward.

“Potato” is the credited response. Remember, it is not which answer is “correct,” but which is the “best” answer.

Nevertheless, science author Paul Brodeur reportedly seeks $1m from the producers of American Hustle for their portrayal of his article in the film. (source). Since I have not seen the complaint yet, I can only base my opinion on the clip and my erudite knowledge of defamation law.

I can’t see any such suit being anything more than bullshit.

This is a throwaway line by a not-too-bright character in a movie. The line says a lot more about the Rosalyn character than it does about Mr. Brodeur.

I will comment more after I get a copy of the complaint, and review it. But, my initial reaction is that this lawsuit damages Mr. Brodeur’s reputation a lot more than that line, which never made anyone with any sense think less of him to begin with.

Update, I have the complaint. Lets start with the nice things I have to say about it, just to start off nice.

The claim does not make me think “the dumbass who wrote this should be disbarred.” That is not the same as me saying that I think it has much of a chance of winning, but there are varying degrees of silly lawsuits. This is not wallowing down there on the other side of reality. I still predict it getting knocked out on an Anti-SLAPP motion, but I do not call for eternal shame and damnation on the part of the plaintiff or his attorneys. More of a “dude, that wasn’t the best idea.”

Here’s the kernel of the defamation.

Screen Shot 2014-11-01 at 12.52.48 PM

Its not just that Rosalyn interprets the Brodeur article to say that microwaves take the nutrition out of the food, but Irving then spends a while reading the article, but he seemingly fails to then discount Rosalyn’s position on it.

See, he should have slapped her and said “aaaaaahhhhhh shadaaaaap! Dumbass, that’s not what this article says.” Then, the movie could have gone into a little discussion about the relative merits of microwave ovens and nutrition.

All kidding aside, I can sorta see his point, on a human level. He’s a serious scientist from what I can find. Among his buddies at the science club, perhaps a few of them caught the super-obscure reference in the film. Maybe one of them made a joke at his expense? Did it damage his reputation? If you’re a scientist whose reputation can be trashed by an obscure reference in a movie like this, you must not have had a lot to protect.

I was once portrayed in a novel as a cowboy hat wearing, heavily armed, gator-boot wearing lunatic from Florida. I never wear cowboy hats. I have no gator boots. And I am not from Florida. I laughed, I turned the page, I moved on.

On a realistic level, I can’t see anyone looking at this and thinking that Mr. Brodeur was necessarily even a real person, who wrote a real article, or that either of the characters in the film were worthy of taking seriously on a subject like nutrition or physics.

Let’s Monday morning quarterback this complaint now. Chance of success? Not very high. Filed in a state with an Anti-SLAPP statute. Not too smart. The plaintiff lives in Massachusetts. Despite the fact that Massachusetts is generally a bad ass place, it has not yet passed a meaningful Anti-SLAPP statute. Asserting jurisdiction there would have been a bit of a stretch, but why not give it a try there? Maybe the defendants don’t bother to try and dismiss it for a lack of personal jurisdiction, and you can lose on the merits without consequences.

Now, I’d imagine that the studio will file an Anti-SLAPP motion, and I can’t see this complaint getting through it.

The Roca Labs Order

October 28, 2014

There are plenty of articles out there on Roca Labs. I’ll just provide the order, without comment.

Ok, one quote:

As Plaintiff has not demonstrated a likelihood of success on the merits of any one of its claims, it is unnecessary to address the other requirements for injunctive relief. (Opinion).

Alfonso Ribiero has not made any comment about this. I didn’t ask him either, but just sayin’.

The Candy Bitch

October 26, 2014

I make no secret about the fact that I do consider open bloody class war to be an ok way to fix things. “Life is like a stew, you have to stir it frequently, or all the scum rises to the top.”

I felt that way when I lived off $300 a month, $60 of which was for the rent in a pantry in a place known as the Elmer Phud House. But, back in my Phud days, I had this sneaking suspicion that if I ever managed to be one of the lucky ones one day that I would change my tune.

I’m pretty well off now, so I’m actually there. I am on the other side of the fence, and the grass is way fucking greener over here. Yeah, I got problems. We all got problems. But, back when I was scraping by, wondering if I would ever be able to save up enough money for a down payment on a car, much less a house? Those were real problems. Rich people problems are bullshit.

Much to my surprise, I have not changed my tune.

So let me yell to you from this side of the fence. I’ll stand here on that green green grass that my kids are playing bocce on, barely noticing the gardeners who trim it ever so expertly:

You really, really, really should kill us all.

We are disgusting. We spend more money on a car than you do on a house. We spend more on some dinners than you spent on your car. Think about that.

And we, as a group, flip the fuck out any time you might want us to chip in a few extra bucks for the goddamned roads, schools, and bombs. As a group, we can’t stand the thought of food stamps. Damn “welfare queens live better than we do!” Well, that’s what we say. We can not fucking believe it that so many of you idiots believe that, and actually blame each other for your problems.

I could say #notallrichpeople and try and absolve myself. I give a lot of money to charity. I do tons of pro bono work. I’m “one of the good ones!” But nah. You can’t go picking the peas from the goulash. If they let any of us live, they can’t know where the cancer will come from again. They had to kill all the members of the Russian royal family, lest the Romanovs come back. So, its time to just haul out the battering rams and bum rush the gated communities.

We really have reached that point. It is time. Dust off Pol Pot’s playbook.

Because we finally reached the tipping point where it has to happen:

The Candy Bitch.

The Candy Bitch wrote in to “Dear Prudence” looking for advice. Free advice, because why pay her fucking shrink — shrinks are generally considered to be “the help.”

I would summarize it, but then you would think I was lying. Here it is.

Dear Prudence,

I live in one of the wealthiest neighborhoods in the country, but on one of the more “modest” streets—mostly doctors and lawyers and family business owners. (A few blocks away are billionaires, families with famous last names, media moguls, etc.) I have noticed that on Halloween, what seems like 75 percent of the trick-or-treaters are clearly not from this neighborhood. Kids arrive in overflowing cars from less fortunate areas. I feel this is inappropriate. Halloween isn’t a social service or a charity in which I have to buy candy for less fortunate children. Obviously this makes me feel like a terrible person, because what’s the big deal about making less fortunate kids happy on a holiday? But it just bugs me, because we already pay more than enough taxes toward actual social services. Should Halloween be a neighborhood activity, or is it legitimately a free-for-all in which people hunt down the best candy grounds for their kids?

—Halloween for the 99 Percent (source)

The fucking fuck?


Prudence responds as a polite advice columnist should. She gets a wee bit snarky. In part:

Your whine makes me kind of wish that people from the actual poor side of town come this year not with scary costumes but with real pitchforks.


When we have reached a point where anyone in America thinks that maybe the rif-raf shouldn’t be holding out their hands asking for some fucking CANDY, then we’ve finally arrived at the point where we do need a reboot. As Tom Robbins said, “Life is like a stew, you have to stir it frequently, or all the scum rises to the top.”

And here we are with generational wealth at an all time high. The same fucking names keep coming up, Bush, Clinton, Kennedy. Watch a movie, and ask who the actors’ parents are – better than average, they’ve inherited their place on that screen. You just can’t get into the senate or house unless you’re already a gazillionaire.

And the final cherry on the top of it?

There are actually people who have come to the point that they don’t want the poor kids coming by and taking a few pennies worth of candy.

I’m not going to enjoy watching the 99% burn down my house and take all my shit. Of course, my money is not in the house, its all squirreled away in offshore bank accounts, because fuck you. So, I’ll leave the insured crap behind, and run out the back gate with my wife and kids. I’m heavily armed, so I might even shoot a couple of them if they block my way. Then I’ll move to Italy and pay more taxes

But, should I stumble and they put the noose around my neck, the last thing that goes through my head as they hoist me up will not be “shit, this is pretty unfair.”

It will be “fuck you, Candy Bitch.”


Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 3,087 other followers