We are here for one reason — to fuck. The old DNA says “spawn or go extinct.” We may have frolics and detours along the way, to either make the rest of our existence more tolerable, or to make the entire group experience more likely to lead to success — and thus more fuckin’. This explains, to me, nature tossing in homosexuality, despite a lack of immediate reproductive benefit to the species.
So here we are, guys generally want to fuck anything that moves. Women need to be more selective, because they can only be pregnant by one at a time. It makes sense that the boys want to fuck more than the girls, until the girls find a guy that they really wanna fuck, and then they ovulate all over the place. There, life decoded for you.
So lets do an experiment: We have an attractive woman, perhaps wearing attire that is specifically designed to attract male attention. She walks down the street, and she gets all kinds of male attention. Then, she’s all pissed off that guys pay attention.
I agree that a woman should be allowed to walk around with non-verbal cues that scream “I WANT TO BE FUCKED RIGHT NOW” and still, it is a desirable cultural norm that we don’t actually get to fuck her, nor get to treat her like she’s just there for the fucking (I mean, unless that’s what she wants). Consider me a feminist, I guess.
Now, does she have a right to an existence without hearing guys hoot, holler, and catcall? Meh, maybe. I’m a little on the fence about it.
Which means that I don’t really mind the anti-catcalling crowd exercising its First Amendment right to protest and criticize this practice. I just think they’re making everyone dumber with their approach.
But, sorry to mansplain it ladies, you’re doing it wrong.
The only time I’ve ever experienced anything like catcalls was when I was in my early 20s, walking through a neighborhood full of Brazilian transsexual hookers in Rome. I’m pretty sure that they were not being sincere about yelling “ciao bello” at me, so much as they just wanted me to spend 20,000 Lire on a blowjob. ‘Course, it didn’t piss me off, because I saw the logic in it. If a guy wants a blowjob more than he wants 20,000 Lire, it helps to know who would rather have 20,000 Lire than a mouth that doesn’t have someone’s dick in it.
Simple commercial speech.
Ok, so that’s not even remotely the same thing.
But, I still want to offer my assistance to the anti-catcalling crowd.
Catcalling pisses me off too. Why? Because I know it bothers women. I got a wife, a daughter, and a mom. Don’t fucking bother them, or I’ll punch you.
But, lemme cocksplain it for any man who still doesn’t get it.
Dude, you are correct. She would not be dressed like that if she did not want to attract male attention. It might SEEM irrational for a girl to put on a miniskirt and fuck-me heels, and then act all pissy if guys notice. There are two reasons that “you don’t dress like that to avoid attention, bitch” doesn’t work as an argument.
ONE: Women are allowed to be irrational. Yes. They are nucking futs. The sanest, coolest, most awesomest girl in the world will tell you that. Their system gets flooded with fucked up hormones on a regular basis, and they’re biologically supposed to be pregnant like 17 times in their lifetime. Now, you’re trying to fit THAT into modern society? Good luck making that work. They’re allowed to be crazy, because by all rights, they ought to be the ones running through shopping malls with machine guns. The fact that they just refuse to make any sense to your mind is pretty blessed mercy. Call it a win and move on. (And ladies, thank you).
TWO: Even though they’re allowed to be, THEY ARE NOT BEING IRRATIONAL, you dumb fucks. Because you know what? She is dressed like that to attract attention, just not from you, you lowlife prole piece of shit motherfucker. Ok? Do you now understand?
Yes, she’s wearing tight jeans to accentuate the shape of her ass because she wants a guy to notice that she has a nice ass. She’s wearing a short skirt because she wants a guy to notice. Or whatever she did to make herself look hot, she did do that because on some level, she does want a penis to come running after her, with its life support system (the man) attached to it.
BUT NOT YOU.
Yes, she’s looking to get fucked, but NOT BY YOU.
How do I know that?
Lets start by looking at the “harassment.” I use that term loosely, because it seems somewhat untethered from its actual meaning, sometimes. It applies to “get over here and suck my dick, whore!” (which in my humble opinion is clearly harassment) to “good morning” (which is not). But, see rule #1. She’s allowed to think it is harassing, even if all you say is “good morning.” She gets to feel how she wants to feel. If you don’t get that, you ain’t getting laid, because you’re a douche.
Yes. Exactly. You are ugly physically, mentally, and emotionally to this girl. EXACTLY. So now fuck off.
Yes, it makes her an uptight bitch if “good morning” makes her ass pucker in fear and anger. She’s allowed
to be an “uptight bitch.” Because you know what “uptight bitch”
actually means? She’s an uptight bitch TO YOU
. You can bet your life that if the kind of guy she wanted, and she’s been looking for, said “good morning,” he could separate her from her panties in 4 hours or less. If she turns up her nose, all that says is “you are not that guy, get over it. Find someone at your level, because I am way the fuck above it.” She doesn’t “deserve” to consider herself to be better than you? Fuck you. You don’t get to decide that. It’s her vagina. Her standards. If her standards are unrealistic, she will figure that out. But no matter how low her standards go, she will never fuck the guy who catcalls her.
Never. IT NEVER WORKS, DUDE.
Now how about something a little less innocuous, but not awful. “Hey baby!” That’s one that some guys might try. Or whatever, insert catcall here. It doesn’t matter. Because if you have to resort to catcalling, by definition, you’re a shitty choice. You’re a bad mate choice. You’re not likely to be able to provide a comfortable life, good parenting assistance, or even interesting conversation in between bouts of coitus. You’re genetic refuse. Go jerk off into a sock until you figure out how to be worth more, dipshit.
I repeat: IT NEVER WORKS, DUDE.
In other words, yes, she has lovely plumage. You’ve strutted your stuff, and in 2 seconds, you communicated 4 billion years of evolutionary information to that woman’s ovaries — “THIS IS A BAD MATE, MOVE ON.”
IT NEVER WORKS.
And THAT is the message that you need to get out there, if you’re trying to end this kind of thing. Yes, yes, I know that every fucking Dworkinite out there wants this to be about the political construct of the phallocracy, or some other dumb shit. No. Its not about oppression. It is not about anything else but this very simple equation: These guys are doing what they believe is most likely to maximize their chances of putting their penis in that woman’s vagina. Somehow, they think that this will work. Guys would smear chipmunk feces on their faces if they thought it would get them laid. The ad campaign needs to be “IT DOES NOT WORK – IN FACT, IT ENSURES THAT YOU WILL NOT GET LAID!” There. Done.
Caveat: catcalling can sorta work – for bystanders. Its a great conversation starter. Dipshit says “hey, nice cunt” or something like that. Then, you look over and her and say “if that works, give me a chance to come up with something just as clever, ok?” She laughs. Dipshit leaves. You have just been dealt an inside straight. You take it from there.
You’re not going to elevate the social consciousness of the catcalling dumbass. They’re just stupid.
Stupid. Genetic. Refuse.
Their DNA is supposed to be left on the cutting room floor of life’s epic film. So, ladies, either just let that happen, or if you really want to convince guys to cut it out, you gotta speak to them rationally. Because guys are, if nothing else, rational, when it comes to getting laid. If they think it can work, they’ll try it. If they know it won’t work, they won’t do it. That’s the missing message.