The Roca Labs Order

October 28, 2014

There are plenty of articles out there on Roca Labs. I’ll just provide the order, without comment.

Ok, one quote:

As Plaintiff has not demonstrated a likelihood of success on the merits of any one of its claims, it is unnecessary to address the other requirements for injunctive relief. (Opinion).

Alfonso Ribiero has not made any comment about this. I didn’t ask him either, but just sayin’.

The Candy Bitch

October 26, 2014

I make no secret about the fact that I do consider open bloody class war to be an ok way to fix things. “Life is like a stew, you have to stir it frequently, or all the scum rises to the top.”

I felt that way when I lived off $300 a month, $60 of which was for the rent in a pantry in a place known as the Elmer Phud House. But, back in my Phud days, I had this sneaking suspicion that if I ever managed to be one of the lucky ones one day that I would change my tune.

I’m pretty well off now, so I’m actually there. I am on the other side of the fence, and the grass is way fucking greener over here. Yeah, I got problems. We all got problems. But, back when I was scraping by, wondering if I would ever be able to save up enough money for a down payment on a car, much less a house? Those were real problems. Rich people problems are bullshit.

Much to my surprise, I have not changed my tune.

So let me yell to you from this side of the fence. I’ll stand here on that green green grass that my kids are playing bocce on, barely noticing the gardeners who trim it ever so expertly:

You really, really, really should kill us all.

We are disgusting. We spend more money on a car than you do on a house. We spend more on some dinners than you spent on your car. Think about that.

And we, as a group, flip the fuck out any time you might want us to chip in a few extra bucks for the goddamned roads, schools, and bombs. As a group, we can’t stand the thought of food stamps. Damn “welfare queens live better than we do!” Well, that’s what we say. We can not fucking believe it that so many of you idiots believe that, and actually blame each other for your problems.

I could say #notallrichpeople and try and absolve myself. I give a lot of money to charity. I do tons of pro bono work. I’m “one of the good ones!” But nah. You can’t go picking the peas from the goulash. If they let any of us live, they can’t know where the cancer will come from again. They had to kill all the members of the Russian royal family, lest the Romanovs come back. So, its time to just haul out the battering rams and bum rush the gated communities.

We really have reached that point. It is time. Dust off Pol Pot’s playbook.

Because we finally reached the tipping point where it has to happen:

The Candy Bitch.

The Candy Bitch wrote in to “Dear Prudence” looking for advice. Free advice, because why pay her fucking shrink — shrinks are generally considered to be “the help.”

I would summarize it, but then you would think I was lying. Here it is.

Dear Prudence,

I live in one of the wealthiest neighborhoods in the country, but on one of the more “modest” streets—mostly doctors and lawyers and family business owners. (A few blocks away are billionaires, families with famous last names, media moguls, etc.) I have noticed that on Halloween, what seems like 75 percent of the trick-or-treaters are clearly not from this neighborhood. Kids arrive in overflowing cars from less fortunate areas. I feel this is inappropriate. Halloween isn’t a social service or a charity in which I have to buy candy for less fortunate children. Obviously this makes me feel like a terrible person, because what’s the big deal about making less fortunate kids happy on a holiday? But it just bugs me, because we already pay more than enough taxes toward actual social services. Should Halloween be a neighborhood activity, or is it legitimately a free-for-all in which people hunt down the best candy grounds for their kids?

—Halloween for the 99 Percent (source)

The fucking fuck?


Prudence responds as a polite advice columnist should. She gets a wee bit snarky. In part:

Your whine makes me kind of wish that people from the actual poor side of town come this year not with scary costumes but with real pitchforks.


When we have reached a point where anyone in America thinks that maybe the rif-raf shouldn’t be holding out their hands asking for some fucking CANDY, then we’ve finally arrived at the point where we do need a reboot. As Tom Robbins said, “Life is like a stew, you have to stir it frequently, or all the scum rises to the top.”

And here we are with generational wealth at an all time high. The same fucking names keep coming up, Bush, Clinton, Kennedy. Watch a movie, and ask who the actors’ parents are – better than average, they’ve inherited their place on that screen. You just can’t get into the senate or house unless you’re already a gazillionaire.

And the final cherry on the top of it?

There are actually people who have come to the point that they don’t want the poor kids coming by and taking a few pennies worth of candy.

I’m not going to enjoy watching the 99% burn down my house and take all my shit. Of course, my money is not in the house, its all squirreled away in offshore bank accounts, because fuck you. So, I’ll leave the insured crap behind, and run out the back gate with my wife and kids. I’m heavily armed, so I might even shoot a couple of them if they block my way. Then I’ll move to Italy and pay more taxes

But, should I stumble and they put the noose around my neck, the last thing that goes through my head as they hoist me up will not be “shit, this is pretty unfair.”

It will be “fuck you, Candy Bitch.”

Oh…. Candada? Stop trying to be like us!

October 26, 2014

Dear Canada,

You’re already pretty awesome. The weather sucks, but if you ever get around to that Turks and Caicos thing, you can have your own Hawaii.

I don’t like to join in when Americans make fun of you. They do that because they don’t know you. (I do admit that I hum “Blame Canada” once and a while, but if you get the joke, that’s not really making fun of you).

I’d say I know you pretty well. Remember when we met in 1988? Yeah, the time I went into Foufounes Electrique somewhat bewildered, and left really drunk, then the acid kicked in, and next thing I knew I was about to get the shit beaten out of me by Quebecois nationalists, who could not understand why the fuck I was in their bar? Then some Quebecois punks came in and explained the situation, and they hung out with me for the next three days, and I’m still friends with them to this day? That was cool, Canada. Since then, we’ve gotten to know one another even better. Those times in Vancouver? The friends you’ve sent me? I even decided to take the pain in the ass NCA exams, to get licensed to practice in Canada. Just because we’re such good friends.

Such good friends that I usually correct people when they say “oh, they’re just like us. No, Canadians are not just like us. In fact, I consider it an insult to you when anyone calls you “The 51st State.” That’s stupid, and douchey, and ignores some pretty cool and significant history.

But, you know how I get all pissed off when people say that my buddy, Canada, wishes they were America? Yeah, you never even need to raise your voice about that, because I stick up for you.

Well, you just made it a little harder to stick up for you.

I’m really terribly sorry about Corporal Nathan Cirillo. I can see how you might actually say that he was your favorite citizen. I mean, you can’t pick favorites, but if you picked him, who could fault you?

And now, as bummed as you are about it, it seems like you’re at least considering being more like us. (source, source) Some people might say “what’s wrong with that?” We’re pretty cool, aren’t we?

No. No we are not.

You see, for all the mythology, America is not who you want to be like when you have a bad day.

Because we are a bunch of mewling fucking cowards.

When something like this happens, we rush to get to work. We throw up more roadblocks and checkpoints. We make it harder to get anywhere near our government buildings. We strap on the body armor, and as we take our last shit for a while, we wipe our ass with our Constitution.

We react to even imaginary enemies and threats with hang-wringing, the elimination of civil liberties, and we let abject flunkies do it to us. While the mythology says that we are the cocky bastards who scream “give me liberty or give me death!,” that just isn’t us anymore.

We aren’t Patrick Henry’s kids anymore. We are now the bastard children of John Cornyn and Sarah Palin. John said, famously, “you don’t have any civil liberties if you’re dead,” and Sarah Palin said “ooh, shiny!”

You know who you want to be like? Be like Norway.

Norway had a really bad mass shooting. You know what they said? “Fuck you, we’re not changing anything.” That’s how you do it, if you want to be cool.

Remember, that idiot we let run things here for a while? The one who said “they hate us for our freedom.” We got rid of the freedom, and they still don’t like us, but you don’t see us restoring the freedom any. Nope.

So look, Canada. I really do give a shit about you. And, I know that it is really tempting to just follow us. We cut a wide swath, and drafting off the big guy always makes riding a little easier. But, this time, take a look at where we’re headed.

This isn’t the way you want to go.

The Laws of Uranus

October 26, 2014

As an discussion about space grows longer, the probability of a mention of Uranus approaches 100%.

He who is the first to mention Uranus wins the thread or conversation.

Legal Pop Culture Citations

October 23, 2014

Marc’s recent post on How to Cite to Walter Sobchak, along with another friend’s comment on citing to The Pirates of Penzance, has inspired me to create a new Wikia. A compendium of this sort is long overdue.

Legal Pop Culture Citations Wikia

Your recommendations/assistance would be appreciated.

Looking for:

    Song lyrics
    Movie quotes
    Play quotes
    Book quotes
    TV quotes.

Thank you.

Thank you again, Rick Scott

October 23, 2014

I wish I could have had the luxury of growing up and living and spending my entire life in a nice place like the American West, but I was doing other things. As a matter of fact, when I think about it now, the place I lived longest in my adult life was Florida.

Back when I lived there, I might have given a shit who became governor. Today, I do not.

I just love pointing and laughing at Rick Scott. The guy not only looks like a penis in a suit, but he’s just plain comedy gold.

Watch Charlie Crist’s face. That guy should never play poker. He’s standing there with that “no, not me! I don’t have an aces over kings full house, nope… giggity…”

Ebola is the New Black

October 20, 2014

There is a 75% chance that this man has Ebola.  He is wearing sunglasses for your protection, because making eye contact with black people is scary as fuck, and will kill you because Ebola.

There is a 75% chance that this man has Ebola. He is wearing sunglasses for your protection, because making eye contact with black people is scary as fuck, and will kill you because Ebola.

Ok, not really, but I figured it was a catchier title than “Ebola is the new paranoia for the stupid genetic refuse that proves that Idiocracy was not just a movie, but a prophecy.”

That would just not do as a headline. But, I suppose it is a clumsy, but effective lede.

Remember “give up ANY rights, as long as it keeps us safe from Beardsley McTurbanhead, who is going to kill us all if he can?”

How could you forget? That fad isn’t over yet.

But, just in time for the new fall idiot fashion season, we have Ebola!

And, while there’s been plenty of stupidity surrounding ebola so far, I think that the stupidity has finally become self-aware, and is now firmly in control of SkyNet.

A nurse at the Howard Yocum School in Maple Shade Township, New Jersey sent a letter to staff members informing them that two new students from Rwanda, Africa would be arriving at the school on Monday.
“This is not an area identified as a country with an Ebola outbreak, however l am taking precautions as per the health guidelines of the Burlington County Health Department,” the nurse wrote.  “I will be taking the students’ temperature three times a day for 21 days.” (source)

I’d like to introduce people to this new thing called A FUCKING MAP. Its like a picture with just a few words, so you don’t even need to read too good to understand it.

Screen Shot 2014-10-20 at 7.57.01 AM

Getting from Monrovia to Kigali is pretty easy. You can either drive for about 90 hours, or take two planes and 17 hours to get there. Then, its just a hop, skip, and a jump into The Homeland.



But, you can never be too safe.

We need one of those “Real Men of Genius” ads for the Howard Yocum School Nurse.

Thank you for making us all a little dumber, while protecting us from the same disease that killed less than 3,000 people worldwide until the most recent outbreak. But, lets not discount the danger. This one looks like its gonna be pretty bad — with about 5,000 dead so far. The vast majority of those deaths in places like Liberia and Sierra Leone. You know, unsanitary shit holes where lots of diseases fester, and kill people who would just shrug it off in a cleaner country with a decent medical infrastructure.

But, you know. Africa. Ebola. Same thing. Africa might as well be The United States of Ebola.

Ebola carrier using secret jungle-disease-gun to try and kill an unidentified random innocent caucasian woman, presumed to be Natalee Holloway.  He is assisted by an apparent Muslim.

Ebola carrier using secret jungle-disease-gun to try and kill an unidentified random innocent caucasian woman, presumed to be Natalee Holloway. He is assisted by an apparent Muslim.

You see, when you have a disease that is transmitted through bodily fluids, and those bodily fluids tend to be dumped in public places, and you have a virtually nonexistent public health system, then you have a good breeding ground for communicable diseases.

But why let facts get in the way of a good ghost story? We have a communicable disease with a 50% fatality rate. That’s good fodder for TV news that gives you all the information you need to make informed decisions in all of a 120 second spot. Right? Ok, but how can we really make this spooky? Hmmm…

The Super Secret Project officially declared that Ice Cube is no longer scary. (source) Despite that scientific finding, Americans are still scared shitless of black people.

And, fear is what brings the eyeballs.

But fear is also why America sucks.

If you haven’t seen this clip yet, watch it. (Direct link here)

I can’t think of any more brilliant writing. I am not even going to try and match it.

But, that video, fictional as it is, tells you that we are not the greatest country in the world anymore, and why. Because when we were, “we aspired to intelligence,” and “we didn’t scare so easy.”

And we don’t do that anymore. And scare easily is exactly what we do. We are a bunch of superstitious idiots, scared to death, of any simple narrative. (And I recognize that I am illustrating that that with a 4 minute video clip).

Beardy McTurbanhead is coming to blow you up, scary negroes who you can only see in the night with bloodshot eyes and white teeth gleaming at you, as they spit ebola in your face. We can’t be too tough on crime. It would be easy to blame this on simple old fashioned racism, but I won’t. More planes and bombers, please!

Racism is not a disease. It is a symptom. It is a symptom of our national commitment to ignorance and stupidity (which replaced our profound national commitment to wide open and robust debate).

And the school nurse at Howard Yocum probably had no idea when she made this asinine pronouncement that she was putting another nail in the coffin of what this country used to be, and likely never will be again. Nevertheless, there she was, hammer in hand, pounding on the lid.

But she can’t do it alone.

Her stupidity flows down a river of it, that emanates from every American household (statistically speaking anyhow). Like an open sewer in West Point (Liberia, look it up), it shits out of every one of us. And if you just decline to shit in the river, you’re still part of the problem. If you’re not actively part of the clean up, then you’re part of the filth.

So, we have to pelt this “well-meaning” person with rotten tomatoes. Why? Because she is why this is no longer the greatest country in the world. Fear is a parasite that can only live in the sweaty fat rolls of ignorance. And that parasite is now in control of the entire host body.

You want to “cure ebola?” Cure your own, and everyone else’s stupidity about it. Or about anything. Today. Now.


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