Florida Criminalizes Arts & Crafts

By Dr. Marty Klein

Remember playing with photos and scissors as a young teen? You’d make collages: your scrawny face on a caveman’s body, your friend’s body with the head of a dog, you and a movie star on a beach in Hawaii. Silly adolescent stuff, harmless.

Now what about putting your head on a movie star’s nude body? Or your neighbor kid’s face on your body? Still harmless, right?

When does this kind of stuff become illegal?

John Stelmack of Lakeland, FL found out the hard way. He allegedly cut out a Xerox copy of a girl’s head, taped it to a printout of an adult female’s body, and Xeroxed it again. According to one of his attorneys, “It was a very poor job, and anyone could tell this was not really a picture of the minor.” When this was accidentally discovered, he was arrested and convicted for creating and possessing child pornography. Remember, these are cut-and-paste productions, not actual photos, and not even computer morphs—of a couple of girls’ heads, and a few nude women’s bodies. His case is now being appealed.

OK, full disclosure: the guy is (or rather, was) an elementary school principal. Yes, this increases the yuck factor, but legally, it shouldn’t matter. He hasn’t been accused of inappropriate touching, suggesting, or even looking. He doesn’t have any history of creating problems or being a problem.

The problem with witches (17th century), Jews (18th & 19th century), and Communists (20th century) was, according to those who claimed to know, that they 1) were everywhere and 2) looked like “normal” people so they couldn’t be easily spotted. Thus the strategies, historically: drown a bunch of women and see if any non-witches survive; burn down Jews’ homes and force them to convert; defame and destroy a bunch of people and see who admits they’re a Red.

Today’s witches, Jews, and Communists are those a little too interested in childhood sexuality. Since it’s hard to tell the dangerous from the curious (or pathetic) in a single glance, many Americans say it’s safer to just arrest everyone who’s questionable. What’s John Stelmack’s life worth, if by sacrificing it we can save even one child from being molested?

According to Stelmack and his family, plenty. It should be worth its weight in gold to anyone concerned about matters such as freedom of speech, the presumption of innocence, and the influence of moral panics on the integrity of the judicial system.

If Stelmack’s conviction is affirmed, some logical questions follow:

* What if the person doing the cutting and pasting were the girl herself? Would she be busted the way teens who “sext” are being busted?
* What if the person doing the cutting and pasting was one of her parents?
* What if the body being morphed with the girl’s face was a nude adult man? Or a clothed but really sexy woman?
* Now that lewd cartoon characters of minors can be criminalized as child porn, what about morphing a girl’s face onto a sexy or nude cartoon body—illegal?

Photoshop is the new arts and crafts. Any adult interacting with kids is the new witch, Jew, Communist. Imprisoning those who play with digital scissors and glue doesn’t make any of us safer. It just pads the resume of some D.A. who doesn’t even consider Stelmack a human being, or our Constitutional system precious.

This piece originally appeared on Dr. Klein’s Blog, Sexual Intelligence.

Dr. Marty Klein is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist, Certified Sex Therapist, and sociologist with a special interest in public policy and sexuality. He has written 6 books and over 100 articles about sexuality. Each year he trains thousands of professionals in North America and abroad in clinical skills, human sexuality, and policy issues.

Some days, I really really really love my job

Like on the days I get paid to write stuff like this.

Link courtesy of Xbiz.

Pat the Patriot busted in sex sting

Can the Patriots catch a break this year? Apparently not.

A Satyricon Christmas Carol

Happy muthafuckin holidays, magic space zombie jew eaters.

When Food Attacks

Who knew that meat was such an effective weapon.

Biurny Peguero Gonzalez: Rape “victim” comes forward and admits lie, could face 7 years

On the advice of her priest, my ass.

New Jersey resident Biurny Peguero said she was visciously gang-raped by three men in a van after a night of drinking in upper Manhattan. Her testimony sent William McCaffery to jail despite a lack of DNA evidence linking him to the crime.

Now, on the advice of her priest, Peguero has admitted it was all a hoax. (source)

I wonder if Hallmark makes a “sorry I’m a lying piece of shit who got you sent to jail for four years for gang rape” card.

The court papers say she invented the rape to cover for a fight she had had with some of her women friends. The fight had been so fierce that one of the women kicked and broke a window in a car, according to the papers.

The next morning, Ms. Peguero went to Christ Hospital in Jersey City, saying she had been raped. Officials notified the police in Manhattan, and soon Mr. McCaffrey was in custody. (source)

The prosecutors say that this explains why the rape kit came back negative. Gee, ya think? It turns out that it wasn’t even a circumstance of consensual sex being reported as a rape. Nope. There wasn’t even sex. Just a bat-shit-crazy bitch who decided to lie. I’d like to understand how the hell a guy can go to jail when there wasn’t a shred of physical evidence that she even had sex, let alone suffered through a gang rape.

The New York Times reported in August that the evidence conclusively showed that he was innocent.

Last year, after he had served 2 years of a 20-year sentence, a new DNA test showed that bite marks on Ms. Peguero’s arm and shoulder the morning she reported that she had been attacked could not have been made by Mr. McCaffrey — the genetic material lacked a Y chromosome, meaning it could not have come from a man. (source)

Biurny Peguero Gonzalez faces 7 years in prison for perjury. I don’t think that’s enough of a punishment. She sent a guy to jail on a false claim of gang rape. She ought to have to serve those 7 years in the sex offender wing of an all male prison. When she gets out, she should have to lick her victim’s toilet clean every day for the rest of his life.

The Janitor has to be lying (or we have to revoke the janitor’s Man Card)

The Janitor's Man Card

A Brooklyn high school is all abuzz after its Spanish teacher and French teacher, Cindy Mauro and Alini Brito, were allegedly caught naked together in a classroom by the school’s janitor, who turned them in. They are now suspended from their teaching duties. (source). Get this… they’re both totally hot.

Now lets walk through the story…. let’s say you’re the janitor… Nothing against high school janitors, but I think that even the janitor’s union would agree that none of its members have actually gotten a whole lot of breaks in life. I’m willing to bet that the number of high school janitors who have gotten to watch two hot girls do it, LIVE, is about zero.

So you walk in to an empty classroom with your mop and bucket, and there you see Miss Mauro and Miss Brito naked and making out. You run off and REPORT THEM?

Something about this story doesn’t add up.

Here is the proper procedure, as written in the Man Manual, for how to handle stumbling across two hot girls doing each other in an inappropriately public place.

Step 1: Just watch for a little while. Do not be creepy about it. Do not begin masturbating. Just watch. Smile. Behold. Kinda the way you watch a sunset. No cheering. No commentary. Just shut the fuck up and watch until one of them, or both of them, notice you.

Step 2: Ask if you can join in. Chances are not high that you’ll get the green light, but you miss 100% of the shots you do not take. Toss that hail mary pass. Be polite about it. Don’t be pushy, pathetic, or creepy. Just a simple “would you mind if I join in?” or “whaddaya say we do this family-style” or something of the sort. If denied, proceed to step 3.

Step 3: Ask again, but don’t be a dick and don’t be pushy. Just a “c’mon, it will be fuuuuun!” If denied, go to step 4.

Step 4: Find a comfortable, out of the way place, where you won’t interfere with the natural process unfolding in front of you, and just watch. If they tell you to leave, well, sorry… you gotta leave. No protest. Just smile, say something nice, maybe even volunteer to do lookout, but you do have to leave. Go to step 5.

Step 5: Think about the fact that perhaps there is a God, and he loves you, and that’s why you got to watch the Spanish teacher and the French teacher doing each other — even for a brief moment. The next time you are at a bar with more than three buddies, buy a round of beers and shots. When the boys ask why, you tell them to do the shot, then you tell the story, then you drink the beer as you try and convince them that you’re not full of shit. They will not believe you, but you’ll drink that nice cold beer with the smug smile of a man with some great material in his spank bank.

THAT is how you handle this situation. EVERY man would handle it the EXACT same way.*

If you run off and get the girls busted, you’re a douche, and you lose your man card. EVERY man knows this.

Therefore, either the janitor is lying, or he’s a douche who just lost his man card.

* UPDATE: How insensitive of me. I was being completely heterocentric in this post. If the janitor was gay, he wouldn’t need to go through those steps. The gay male directions would be much simpler. Wink, withdraw, and cover for them.

USA Technologies gets bitch slapped by EFF

USA Technologies, based in Malvern, Pennsylvania ought to see its stock price drop a little more once the world gets wind of what kind of morons run the company. A couple of message board posters commented about the company’s plummeting stock prices and the over-compensated executives at the consistently unprofitable company. So, USA Technologies’ crack team sprang into action, fixing the problem.

Ha, just kidding. They did what every moron does, pretend the problem doesn’t exist, but sue the commenters for defamation. (Complaint – courtesy EFF). They then issued a subpoena to try and unmask the anonymous commenters, and SPLAT! Their dipshittery smacked head on with California code of civil procedure § 1987.2

The EFF describes this statute as follows:

California code of civil procedure § 1987.2 awards mandatory attorney’s fees to an anonymous speaker if a court grants his or her motion to quash an identity subpoena issued in support of an out-of-state suit and “if the underlying action arises from the moving party’s exercise of free speech rights on the Internet and the respondent has failed to make a prima facie showing of a cause of action.” Translation: out-of-state litigants who try to use the California legal system to unmask anonymous speakers citing dubious legal theories may have to pay their target’s attorney’s fees for their trouble. (source)

Right on EFF!

Even Gold Paint Guy has publicity rights

Oh that's gotta be rough...

Patrick Tribett is the poster boy for pwnage. Tribett had a pretty bad addiction to huffing spray paint to get high (never tried it, but that does not sound like fun). He was such a mess that he walked in to a Bellaire, Ohio general store looking for another round. The owner called the cops, who came to the scene. They suspected Tribett of unlawful abuse of inhalants.

Of course, the investigation didn’t take too long — given the gold paint all over his high as a kite face. His mugshot made The Smoking Gun (never a good thing) and the ensuing hilarity made Tribett the “gole paint guy” — yep, Tribett became his very own internet meme. Even after that, he got busted huffing paint again.

I am not writing this piece to pile more shit on poor Mr. Tribett. Actually, the guy seems to have gotten his act together. Yay Gold Paint Guy!

And even better… he’s given me fodder for a Right of Publicity Law post!!! Thanks Gold Paint Guy!

It turns out that Tribett is planning to file a lawsuit against Amazon, Cafe Press, and Hot Toys (source). Normally, this might be where I call him an asshat, but I am not going to do that this time. Tribett might very well have a legitimate case.

Tribett isn’t suing everyone who used his mugshot. If he did, that would land him an asshat award, because we have a right to use that picture — and we have a right to use that picture to mock him. All the websites devoted to him are First Amendment protected. All of these uses are a-ok. The photograph would not be protected by copyright, as it is automatically in the public domain.

But, everything changes when you start making t-shirts and mugs of the guy.

Yes, a little cottage industry started running after Mr. Tribett’s unfortunately hilarious mugshot started flying around cyberspace. I wouldn’t imagine that it contributed a lot to the economy, but I am sure that a few people made a few bucks off of him — and now Tribett wants his cut. And under the law, he’s got a point.

Publicity rights give a person the right to profit from the commercial exploitation of his or her image, likeness, or name. That’s why you can’t just slap a picture of Tiger Woods on a box of condoms, and you can’t slap my picture on an ass kicking machine without paying for the privilege. Not all states protect publicity rights, but they are recognized by statute or common law claims in at least 30 states. Mr. Tribett’s West Virginia does not have a ROP statute, but the state common law recognizes it. See Curran v. Amazon.com Inc., 36 Media L. Rptr. 1641 (S.D. W.Va. Feb. 19, 2008) (justia file)

Good luck to Mr. Tribett in his quest for extended sobriety. I am looking forward to seeing how his ROP case goes.

Avvo recognizes awesomeness

Well, its been a hell of a good year… it seems that our friends at Avvo think awfully highly of the Legal Satyricon. We’re one of their 10 favorite legal blogs.

I don’t want to spoil the fun by telling you the other 9 (you can go read them yourself), but I will say that I’m honored to be on the list with the other 9 they picked. Thanks Avvo!

My only critique: Popehat really should have been on there, and Rex Gradeless should not have been.

Newdow … again

Sometimes, even I wish that Michael Newdow would give it a rest. He was dead right in his Pledge of Allegiance case. He’s just going nutty with this one.

Hockey in Fenway Park

Interesting.

If there is one thing that I learned growing up in New England, it is that you can never count on the weather. Well, that and you can never count on anything going right at Fenway.

Extreme Makeover – Nazi Edition

He's never gonna get a good job with that ink (image provided by Tampabay.com)

Flori-duh, the place where due process goes to die, is paying for John Allen Ditullio’s makeup artist so that the jury doesn’t think ill of the boy.

On March 23, 2006, Pasco authorities say, he put on a gas mask and broke into a neighbor’s home, where he stabbed a woman in the face and neck, then attacked a teenager. Patricia Wells was slashed in the face and hands but recovered from her injuries. Kristofer King, who was 17, died. (source)

It is alleged that Mr. Ditullio was motivated by his rage at Ms. Wells for having a black boyfriend and a gay son. Not a good combination when you also live in a Flori-duh trailer park next door to a trailer full of nazi skinheads, I guess.

Now, Mr. Ditullio is on trial for murder, and the state is paying $150 per day for a professional makeup artist to cover up his tattoos. There was some concern that the jury might look at him funny, what with the big swastika on his neck and all.

I’m all for a defendant’s right to a fair trial. But, it would seem to me that unless the state put the tattoos on his neck, then he ought to cover them up himself or live with the consequences.

Turnabout is fair play

The recording industry may be getting a taste of its own medicine. This is a Canadian case, but interesting nonetheless. H/T Evren Seven.

American legal education – scientifically proven to be worthless, law professors jam heads up asses in response

I have written previously on the Worthlessness of American Legal Education. That ruffled a few feathers among legal academics who didn’t like being called a “circle jerk.” In response to that critique, legal academics decided to disband the circle jerk and actually focus on practical training of lawyers in both business, law, and ethics.

HAAAA…. had you going, didn’t I?

No, the legal academy didn’t give a shit about my piece (well, I did get some crybaby emails from do nothing blowhards, but nobody did anything but bitch).

And now… Bob Ambrogi brings us a report that shows:

Sixty-five percent of law students (and 90 percent of lawyers) say law school does not teach them the practical business skills they need to practice law in today’s economy. More than a third say they do not feel adequately prepared by law school to succeed in the marketplace. Given the changes in the market, a fifth of all law students now say they regret going to law school in the first place. (source)

Wow! Lexis Nexis did an actual scientific study that produced data to back up my assertion that American legal education is a ball of shit! And in response, NOW the legal academy is ready to change…

BAAAAA…. Got you again.

No, instead they are ruminating on whether law professors should have PhD degrees… you know, to make legal education even more useless. I’m not saying that PhDs are useless. The best law professor I ever had didn’t even have a JD, he only had a PhD. But, he was something special.

Greenfield had this to say:

For practicing lawyers who think that lawyers fresh out of school lack the skills needed to practice law now, the future may be far more dim. A lawprof with a PhD is likely to be far more entrenched in the theoretical than the practical, and far more likely to have had no experience in the actual practice of lawyering. If you think lawprofs today fall short of the qualifications to teach students to be lawyers, imagine what a future of teachers without any practical experience at all will mean. Oh, the weather outside is frightful.

One shining hope seems like a possibility however. As law schools continue to compete for students, perhaps this will present an opening for those schools that aren’t likely to be the top draw for the brainiest PhDs to counterprogram themselves as the practical law schools, “the law school where you actually learn how to be a lawyer.” We can dream, can’t we? (source)

Yes, Scott, we can dream. But, for as long as the legal academy is run by people who wash out of practice after 16 months, the ABA keeps accrediting every head injury clinic that calls itself a law school, and the government keeps backing loans so that the morons who attend them can sit at the roulette wheel, the market isn’t likely to correct the mess any time soon.