Pasquale the Easter Bunny

Me and Pasquale, Easter morning.

I walk out to the pool… just to see if the water is warm enough to take a swim. Its not. But, oh shit… there’s a dead animal in the pool. Dammit…

I get the skimmer, thinking about the nasty chemicals that I will have to dump in the pool to kill off the dead rat goop that is in my pool. Then, I see that it isn’t a rat, it is a bunny. My kids are two feet behind me.

On Easter Sunday.

This oughta be great in therapy. “The first Easter I remember, my father found a dead bunny in the pool.”

Then, as I’m yelling at the kids to back away, I notice that he’s actually alive.

Dammit. Now its alive, its just going to die in front of my kids. More therapy bills.

I send my daughter in to get a box, and bring the bunny in to the house. I call my veterinarian client. “Dena, I need help.”

She walks me through it… get a blow dryer, on low, with a diffuser. Dry it off and slowly raise its temperature. Now feed it kitten formula.

Kitten formula? What the fuck is that? She may as well have told me to get some PAQ M or LQ tranquilizers.

My wife recently stopped breast feeding my son. I look at her. She gives me that “you’ve got to be fucking shitting me” look. I tell her “come on, its not like you’re going to have to put the bunny’s mouth on your tit, just go pump some.” Jennifer can’t argue with that, so a few minutes later, she hands me a container with a few milliliters of Randazza brand breast milk and a small syringe.

By now, we’ve named the bunny — Pasquale.

He’s still lethargic. Until he gets the boobie milk. A little while after that, and some time in the box with a little more heat, and he’s lively as can be. In fact, uncontainable.

Pasquale makes a break for freedom.

The vet advises that if he’s strong enough to hop away, he has more of a chance of survival in the golf course brush than he does inside our house. So off he goes.

Now its a story for my kids about how their dad found a bunny on Easter, and we nursed him to health with mom’s milk.

I presume that this won’t cost me all that much in therapy bills.

7 Responses to Pasquale the Easter Bunny

  1. I hear Crystal Cox just registered pasqualetheeasterbunny.com and is offering SEO, if you’re interested…

    • Joe says:

      Well the bunny is part of the conspiracy don’t you see. Bunnies are representative of Playboy which is representative of the porn industry which per Cox, Randazza supports because he has supported free speech in the porn industry. Therefore Pasquale the bunny is in on the “conspiracy”

  2. Oh shit, that’s fucking hilarious!

  3. Caleb says:

    The funny thing is, it’s just crazy enough to be true. Imagine my disappointment when I pasted it into the url bar. :(

  4. OMG!! Absolutely great, a hero to the kids, both of you, mommy and daddy! Didn’t know there was kitten formula either. Glad you worked that one out. :) Heheh

  5. dan says:

    you realize you will probably get arrested for some criminal code violation of inciting someone to commit a sexual act with an animal…

    and arrested again for doing it while children are in the house. “doesn’t anyone think of the children?”

    and then get your children removed from the household “perv!”.

    just don’t send the bunny derogatory texts for diming you out to the next person that found them.

    and I’ll contribute to your LDF if the bunny sues you for the cost of re-changing it’s name.

  6. Dan says:

    Not only did I enjoy this story but I admire a man that has a painting of a martini hanging in his house. Happy Easter!

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