Rest in Slack, Brother

In honor of Cliff Heller, who merged with the infinite on this day in 2006, the Legal Satyricon flag is lowered to half mast and there will be no posts today.

If you happen to find yourself with a bottle of tequila nearby, I would like to invite you to take a shot in his honor.

Blue Skies and Rest in Slack

Normal Plungers are Bad, mmm’kay?

By J. DeVoy

H/T: Roosh

Righthaven.com is up for auction

Righthaven went after hundreds of defendants in copyright cases.  Often, the defendants were innocent and engaged in fair use.  In all cases where a court has been asked, they found that Righthaven had no right to bring the suit in the first place.  In all of their cases, Righthaven asked the court to award them not only money, but the defendant’s domain name.  

After losing a case to my client, Wayne Hoehn, Righthaven is at least $63,000 in debt to him.  They refuse to pay.  Now their domain name is up for auction to the highest bidder.  

The auction is here. 

Jury Nullification in Montana

Police arrested a Montana man for possession of marijuana.  They couldn’t even seat a jury.  Lets hear it for the residents of that community!

You don’t need to be black to believe that laws mandating racial segregation are wrong.  Similarly, you don’t need to be Tommy Chong to know that laws against simple possession of a plant are stupid, wrong, and deserve no support.  If you’re ever called for jury duty and the charge is possession of marijuana, I hope that you exercise your right to refuse to convict — or at least tell the court during voir dire that you will not do so.  

A Very Fahkin Southie Christmas

$500 reward

My daughter lost her beloved “Bruschi” six months ago.

Bruschi is a little soft blue security blanket with a red satiny border, a bear in the middle holding a football, and a New England Patriots logo on it.

We figured she would eventually forget about it. No such luck. She’s been obsessed with finding him since. She keeps saying that he will come home eventually. Try listening to your 2 year old daughter ask you for 6 months when her Bruschi is coming home, and you’ll employ desperate measures.

I’m getting desperate.

Naturally, we’re never going to find THE Bruschi. (Last seen at the U.S. Grant hotel in San Diego). But, I think she’ll be happy with one just like it. If you can find me one of these, $500 is yours.

Bruschi ... find one and $500 is yours

Blasting people on twitter – not cyberstalking!

By J. DeVoy

Pundits were concerned earlier this year when the U.S. Attorney for the District of Maryland brought a criminal action against William Lawrence Cassidy.  His alleged crime?  Posting 8,000 harassing twitter messages about Alyce Zeoli, a buddhist leader in Maryland.  The Court dismissed the Government’s case, as Cassidy’s anonymous speech addressed a topic accorded the highest constitutional protections: Religion.

Admittedly, some of the messages were witty.  Take this poetry, for instance:

Ya like haiku? Here’s one for ya. Long limb, sharp saw, hard drop

Some were more esoteric, such as “A thousand voices call out to (Victim 1) and she cannot shut off the silent scream,” while others got to the point: “Do the world a favor and go kill yourself. P.S. Have a nice day.”

The Court’s Order  is a solid win for the Defendant – and free speech.  Within it, the Court found that 18 U.S.C. § 2261A(2) is unconstitutional as applied to the defendant.  Not only does the First Amendment kick ass, it’s now a tool, albeit a slow-working one, against the federal government’s overcriminalization of daily life.

I strongly encourage reading the whole Order, but most importantly, there’s this:

However, it is questionable whether the same interest exists in the context of the use of the Internet alleged in this case because harassing telephone calls “are targeted towards a particular victim and are received outside a public forum.” United States v. Bowker, 372 F.3d 365, 379 (6th Cir. 2004). Twitter and Blogs are today’s equivalent of a bulletin board that one is free to disregard, in contrast, for example, to e-mails or phone calls directed to a victim. See id. at 378 (contrasting why a federal telephone harassment statute serves a compelling governmental interest and a statute that made it a criminal offense for three or more persons to assemble on a sidewalk and to be “annoying” to a passerby did not serve a compelling governmental interest). (emphasis added)

H/T: EFF

Your morning after screw

By Tatiana von Tauber

And if Obama had two boys?

I’m deeply disappointed by the recent decision to eliminate easier access to the so called morning after pill by girls 17 and under. I fully get where Obama gets his mindset from. I’m a parent of 2 girls, one 13 and very pretty.

Obama’s decision to side with Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius who overruled scientists at the Food and Drug Administration was a poor one. While he’s coming from a good place, may be a good father and honorable in doing what he thinks most parents would want, he just missed to boat of doing what’s actually in the best interest of young girls rather than what’s in the best interest of a parents’ wish for young girls.  As far as HHS Secretary Kathleen Sebelius, may you have bad traffic and no easy access parking the entire holiday season!  And I mean that.

Nothing, and I mean, nothing is more important to me as a female than ensuring other females have rightful ownership of their reproductive system no matter what their age.  Without our womb, society can’t get very far. It’s the most powerful tool women have and thus, the rest is repeat history. 

State of the female union

The majority of young girls – exampled as 11 and 12 year olds for the poor reasoning labeled ”common sense”  which aided the elimination of this pill over the counter,  aren’t that young often enough to discredit the good of the pill to older girls. It blatantly discriminates.  

While it would statistically occur perhaps, the numbers would be small to have  little girls, basically,  just head over to the supermarket by the condoms isle and buy a $50 pill.  This is so ludicrous that you have to be an idiot to side with it if not for political reasons. AND, if young girls did do that, then bravo for them taking pro-active measure to fix their screw up. 

Who to trust when adults don’t give you all the facts?

I have never seen an influx of pro-lifers opting to fund, house or care for the millions of unplanned children of the world.  embryos are great in utero.  They’re fresh potential to mold.  Religion needs followers and governments need taxes.  Someone has to produce human beings at all costs.

“The FDA did not have the data to support a decision of this magnitude,” said Rep. Joe Pitts, R-Pa. “The secretary pointed out obvious deficiencies in the research and acted in the interest of young girls.”

Really?  Of this magnitude?  This pill has been used for decades in Europe and the issue of great magnitude is the subtle and sly attempt to strip females of what has always been rightfully theirs. 

How to Fix this?

Here’s a suggestion then which truly does act in the interest of young girls:

How about yearly comprehensive sex education for boys and girls in the pubic school system mandated by federal and secular standards, not state.  In GA my daughter met several young girls who actually believed they could get pregnant from kissing!  This is sick in a country which claims such global superpower. 

What about introducing reasonably easy access to free or reduced priced condoms or birth control to under aged girls  instead of empty promises of abstinence whilst a nice hard cock stands to seduce.  Perhaps if we reframe the way we view sex and morality the morning after pill can be marketed as an “Oops! Did you miss your birth control pill last night? We understand the heavy responsibilities a vagina and womb bring, so we’re here to help. Plan B.  Here for you when Plan A bombs.” However, because it’s also used and known as an abortion pill, everything changes. 

If God was so intelligent, why didn’t he make it so menses began at 18?  If God can allow pre-teen girls to get a period, the intent is quite frankly, for them to reproduce.  The morality stick should be poking God himself, not our young females. It’s sickening that taxpayers fund government salaries and research to pay for morality treatments as we hush science, logic and individual freedom.

VOTE!

Please go to http://www.abajournal.com/blawg100 and cast your vote in the “opinion” category for Popehat. They are all kinds of awesome. Their editor and I work on free speech cases together. Spread the love.

Finally Homeland Security does something useful!

Behold… the anti-terrorism tool of the future. The Department of Homeland Security’s fleet of SNO-CONE MACHINES. Yep, 13 state of the art, freedom makin’ sno-cone machines. $11,700 worth. (source)

For those of you who think this is a waste of money, you’re idiots. Where do terrorists and illegal immigrants come from? Hot places. Deserts and Mexico, right? Well, you turn one of these bad boys on, and they’ll be running for a sand dune faster than you can yell “TACO TACO!” Plus, have you ever seen an arab eat a sno-cone? No! How about a Mexican? I never have.

So, kudos to our leaders. These things should scare the living shit out of those freedom-haters and freeloading welfare cheats!

Black judges should not be allowed to hear discrimination cases

That’s essentially what the assholes representing, umm, someone (not sure who) argued when trying to appeal the decision invalidating Prop. 8 in California.  (source)  

<blockquote>Lawyers for a coalition of religious conservative groups met a skeptical audience in the three-judge panel from the 9th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals as they argued that now-retired Chief U.S. District Judge Vaughn Walker should have revealed that he had a long-term male partner. (source)  </blockquote>

The argument is essentially that Walker stood to benefit from Prop. 8 being overturned, therefore he should have been disqualified from the case.  

 

So you female judges out there, just step on down from any case involving sex discrimination.  No black judges on affirmative action cases.  And so on… 

 

 

Leaping Lohan! Lindsay’s a Bunny.

By Tatiana von Tauber

Lindsay Lohan has posed for Playboy for a whopping $1 million. Ah. Bravo. Not only is this a smart financial move for someone of her failure, it’s also a good career move because these days, being naked and/or sexual is the ticket to increased sales and stardom, temporarily at worst. A rather typical female critique of Lohan’s Playboy spread due out on newsstands Dec. 15th sits on Yahoo’s OMG titled “Lindsay Lohan Playboy cover leaked online”. The author expresses a sarcastic and sickened tone for Lohan’s actions. Sadly, it’s what I’d expect from a female who clearly doesn’t seem to understand and/or respect the distinct difference between Playboy and Penthouse past their covers.

The author referenced that if things don’t work out for Lohan from Playboy she can always go to Penthouse. They are not the same representation of pussy and the assumption that any woman would naturally go from Playboy to Penthouse is pure ignorance and insult. Perhaps the point was to throw Lohan under the bus but by doing so, the author also threw eroticism under there too and that’s just a mean girl thing to do.

I could understand and agree with a derogatory tone for Lohan considering her history but it was for Lohan via posing nude so in essence, the author so elegantly tore up the beauty of eroticism itself and used Lohan as her example only to compare her to other actresses who used their bodies to get ahead: Drew Barrymore, Joan Collins,Charlize Theron, Sharon Stone and Marylin Monroe.

The small list of women here are women who have, however, truly come out on top* so how has their nudity actually diminished their feminine and human value as suggested by many anti-sexually free women to justify an attitude that Playboy and of course eroticism and porn (because mistake number one is placing them in the same category) is basically what desperate actresses and wannabes do to get ahead?

The above video introduces Dominika, a Czech Playboy and Maxim model. I photographed her naked a couple weeks ago. She’s a petite, demure young girl, self-conscious in between shootings but extremely professional and very good at knowing her body to help produce some very sexy photos. I’m pleased. She’s pleased. Client pleased. Everyone comes out satisfied.

This was a job, something she chose to do for whatever reason and it involved her perfect nude body but the moment the lights turned off or the camera was put down, she put on her robe and protected her personal naked self. You see, when you’re on camera, you’re an actress. You have to be to do this kind of work. I’ve photographed many Playboy models and many real women and the common theme for the nudity, the desire for it whether it be for personal reasons, for a man or for money, these women like and/or want to feel sexy and show it. They want to express it.

I’ve watched some of these unfairly judged nude models begin their own companies in once eastern block countries with money they’ve made while traveling the world, an opportunity only their body was able to offer. These young women have made a better life for themselves by using the one thing people want and that’s nudity, sex or some form of either. Really, what people want is eroticism because that is the pulse of life. I don’t understand what is so wrong, bad or dirty about Playboy posing. I think it’s celebratory. It’s a give and take, as life should be and I find too many women just don’t get the point about sex and eroticism and objectivity. There’s too much fear, religious underpinning and/or insecurity looming in feminism, still.

The female body is beautiful and while Lohan is a lost soul and I hope she gets on the right track, and I deeply hate Hollywood ruins beautiful faces, she just made a million bucks. I don’t know about you but I’d gladly take my clothes off for a million dollars. In fact, I’ll take indecent proposals too! Sexual morality and judgment are a waste of time and potential pleasure in a life that is so damn short it takes death for us to remember it.

I love the “leaked” cover of Lohan on Playboy. It’s very, very sexy and shows her as elegant and I will be purchasing the issue. Lohan needed the makeover and I hope her inner self makes a similar jump. The thing about Playboy is that it’s still got style and elegance and class and eroticism in its pages. Some spreads are cheesy ( I still don’t know why you guys like that cheesy shit) but when celebrities come in, the work is usually different and stunning. Cindy Crawford, the iconic supermodel photographed by the late fashion photographer Herb Ritts and Aussie supermodel Elle MacPherson’s spreads were quite beautiful in recollection of past issue’s I’ve seen from the top of my head.

These weren’t desperate women. These were intelligent women using their sexuality and bodies to better their lives and those of their children. If women can’t deal with their own bodily and sexual beauty, then I suggest becoming a nun.

Playboy has helped create stardom for many kinds of women but more importantly, Playboy through Hefner, has managed to give the world the erotic elegance so missing from the dirty sex the Internet brings. I like that. It would be good if American philosophy on beauty, sexuality and eroticism had a little makeover in the elegance department as well.

* OMG author noted Marylin Monroe died of a drug overdose and implies MM wasn’t really “on top” but her eroticism is stronger each decade so the author fails in her point. Isn’t the jury still out on murder vs. overdose?

Fuck the King of Thailand

For the King of Thailand

An American citizen translated a book about the Thai king and posted it on his website. He lands in Thailand and is arrested for lese majeste — insulting the King. (source)

Holy. Fucking. Shit.

In 2000, we (apparently) decided as a nation that it might be a good idea to elect a dumb-as-fuck redneck who wanted to turn America into a theocracy.  Meh, it did not exactly work out that well.  

But hey, why not just give it another try?  I mean, there’s no better qualification to be President than a folksy “I just fucked my cousin” accent along with some overly dramatic music in the background and a little gay bashing.  

Honestly, if you vote for this guy, you should be forcibly sterilized.  So should everyone who is related to you.  And anyone who does not hate you should be sterilized too.  

Marco Rubio Called a Traitor by his own Teabag Sycophants

Maybe the teabag contingent isn’t so stupid after all.  Both the left and the right seem to understand that the 2012 National Defense Authorization Act, approved by the Senate last week, is a horrifying specter.  The Act would “require the military to arrest terrorist suspects in the United States and detain them indefinitely without trial.”  (source)

Of course, 93 senators voted to approve the Act.  (source)  So maybe Rubio isn’t the traitor.  Maybe you are, and America just doesn’t mean what you think it means.