Jesus is a dick, Bills fans and poor people already know this

The media is all aflutter over Buffalo Bills receiver, Steve Johnson, who dropped a game-winning pass, and then used Twitter to blame the Magic Space Zombie Jew.

JESUS DON'T NO ENGLISH NEITHER KTHX BAI

Mr. Johnson, I agree. The thing is, Jesus is a dick. The ungrateful fuck just flies around in space, demanding that we bow down and kiss his ass, and meanwhile, what does he do for everyone who worships him? Well, let’s take a look at the most religious places on Earth…. Haiti? The Philippines? Mississippi? It is as if a massive divine shit bomb landed on all of those places. Meanwhile, the strongholds of atheism like Norway, Vermont, and Canada? Yeah, that’s what I thought… the thing is, when Jesus hears you acting like a servile little pussy, begging him for shit, he loses respect for you. Who wouldn’t? Think of the homeless assholes you pass on the way to work. “Please sir, can’t you help me?” Sure, you might have some compassion for them, but that’s the best you’ll ever drum up for them. And YOU are a good person.

Jesus, on the other hand, is a dick. (source)

Worse yet, he’s one dick who loves to watch football — and can’t keep his dirty nazarene hands off of the damn results.

I’m no Bills fan, but I’m not a Bills hater either. Therefore, I’m just speaking the truth here – Jesus hates the Buffalo Bills. Just ask Scott Norwood. He kicked that ball straight and true. Of course, Jesus was busy making a little boy die from cancer that day. After he destroyed the faith of the kid’s entire family, he slammed back his 10th Mickey’s Big Mouth, let out a belch, and said “oh fuck! The Superbowl is on!” So Jesus smashed the bottle, and zapped right over to Tampa, dropping a few cases of AIDS and some crack on most of the city on the way there, and then gave a high holy silent-but-deadly fart into Tampa Stadium. It was just enough divine ass wind to push the ball wide right, and lo, Jesus and his dad had a big laugh. Dicks.

Of course, nobody came out and blamed Jesus. That’s when that divine twat decided that he would keep fucking with sporting events. What with his dad all busy taking a huge dump on the entire continent of Africa, Jesus knew that the Big G wouldn’t really care. Did Saddam Hussein really give a shit when his kids messed with the Iraqi soccer leagues? So for the next three years, Jesus more brazenly kept punishing the Buffalo Bills.

The thing is, the Bills had done nothing to warrant this. Mr. Johnson doesn’t get it. Jesus does hate him, but that’s because he is on the Buffalo Bills, AND because he is always whining in the Man from Galilee’s ear. Think about it. You must know someone who is sort of a loser, who always calls you, and you ignore the call. But, eventually you listen to the voicemail, and its always that loser asking for something.

So look, Johnson (and anyone else), if you want to stay off Jesus’ shit list, there are two ways to do it: 1) Don’t root for the Buffalo Bills until Jesus’ attention span wanes, and 2) Stop asking him for shit. When he eventually listens to your message, he just acts like a dick.

Can't he get into a different sport?

DISCLAIMER: Don’t misunderstand this post. I have nothing against the Bills. In fact, as long as a Bills win has no implications for the Patriots’ playoff picture, I root for them. So don’t anyone out there think I’m hating on the Bills. I’m not. I’m mocking clowns who follow a magic space zombie jew.

17 Responses to Jesus is a dick, Bills fans and poor people already know this

  1. ChadKnowslaw says:

    Well consider that his dad asked some guy that was totally enthralled with him to kill his son to prove a point, then told Mr. Abraham it was just a sick test. Dad also let his nemesis kill Mr. Job’s entire family and destroy everything Mr. Job had just to prove his loyalty. That is one sick family.

  2. This is what Twitter was made for. Poor Bills.

  3. Fireinyourhole says:

    What the fuck is this article? Just when i was begginin to think that you were a sensible person.

    • Justin T. says:

      This is perhaps the most sensible post Marc has ever written. If you found a way to infect dozens of children with pediatric leukemia every day, people would call you a dick. Actually, they’d call you an abhorrent monster with no soul, and they’d probably execute you in an angry mob. But when Jesus does it it’s all a part of his “plan.” Apparently some people still haven’t figured out that his “plan” consists largely of murder, torture, genocide, and suffering. And yet Marc is the one who’s not being sensible.

      An asshole with a beard and a robe is still an asshole.

      • Rogier says:

        Amen. I mean, right on.

      • Fireinyourhole says:

        What language are you guys speakin in? Jesus is a belief of many good people and you guys are openly abusing him? Im an atheist and i truly believe that religion is just a oasis created by man to blame his problems on, but i never abused religion. “An asshole with a bear and a robe is sitll an asshole.” Explain this statement please – what did “jesus” ever do to you guys

        • Justin T. says:

          According to the Bible, which Christians regard as true, Jesus is the son of God, part of the Trinity (at least in most denominations) and has infinite power and wisdom. He has the power to heal all suffering, cure the sick, end war, disease, poverty, and all the other ills of the world with one fell swoop. And yet these things all still exist and have very real consequences to the people that experience them. If Jesus is all-knowing and all powerful, he has made a conscious decision to allow all the horrible things in the world that we see around us every day. If you saw a child being brutally beaten in the streets and were able to stop it, and you did nothing, you would be just as bad as the person doing the beating. Jesus is no different.

          If you have the power to end all suffering in the world and you choose not to, well, don’t be surprised when they nail your ass to a cross. Martyr my ass.

          • Fireinyourhole says:

            ok alright, fuck jesus, fuck religion etc. Its just a belief man – a belief that keeps a cancer patient fighting for hope, a belief that gives a blind man reason for his disability. Maybe it is stupidity but there are a few positive aspects bout it

            • Justin T. says:

              Right, there are positive aspects to it, like the hope that it gives cancer patients and blind people for a cure. Oh no wait, that’s science, the polar opposite of religion.

              1000 years ago, everything we knew about science, medicine, and biology was basically wrong. It would be laughable to hold those beliefs today. Yet the religious beliefs held by people in the dark ages are virtually identical to the ones held today. That should tell you everything you know about religion. We have advanced as a society not because of religion, but in spite of it.

          • Jason says:

            That’s putting man and God on the same level. It does not work that way, my friend. Peace to you, man!

  4. Rogier says:

    I think Mr. Johnson deserves at least a modicum of respect here.

    Look, at least he’s CONSISTENT in his belief in the Magic Space Zombie Jew. All those hypocritical goddamn athletes who make a grateful sign of the cross when they score a point, or kiss the crucifix around their neck, or point skyward in recognition of the MSZJ’s Pappy — I hate that shit precisely because they never BLAME the MSZJ when they LOSE. Or when the MSZJ lets Islamist a-holes fly airliners into office towers. Or when He and Pops murder thousands in a tsunami. Etc.

    If the MSZJ and His Omnipotent and Omniscient Daddy Dearest are responsible for good things, they must also by definition be responsible for the bad ones. Simple. So, my miter’s off to Mr. Johnson. He’s no mere fairweather friends of the MSZJ. He tells the Son of God, “Dude, WTF?” That’s the kind of candor and clear-headed consistency the armies of MSZJ believers need more of.

  5. blueollie says:

    Believe it or not, there are fans on the Notre Dame football message boards who say that ND had a poor 2009 season because President Obama was allowed to give the graduation address. Really.

    This makes me wonder why Liberty and Oral Roberts don’t win all the sports titles every year.

  6. Robyrt says:

    So when you ignore homeless people, you are a good person? And if God liked you, he would make you rich? That must be why Jesus is evil and dislikes his followers. After all, it’s not like he ever lambastes the rich and the proud or anything.

    Oh wait, that’s pretty much all he did. Guess your post doesn’t make any sense anymore. Although blaming Jesus for the Bills is still pretty funny.

    • Justin T. says:

      The average person ignoring homeless people is also not claiming to possess all the power and knowledge in existence. Jesus did, so he has a moral obligation to do something. The fact that he refuses tells us everything we need to know about him. Jesus is a dick.

  7. Jason says:

    Oh, that we all would stop mocking Jesus with crude, slanderous jokes. It is an attempt at tongue n cheek satire, yet it misses the mark entirely, instead approaching the realm of bitterness and despair. Why would anybody be Christian? That seems to be a main theme of this diatribe. Oh, but since when does hate filled mantras do any good? So does God have an obligation to clean up all our mess? No He does not! Does an atheistic worldview work? No it doesn’t. The existence of morality in general points to a moral law giver. If Evil exists, then Good must also, and there must be an objective standard established by an intelligent being. Otherwise, all you have is people running around with no ground beneath them, claiming to know Good and Evil, Right and Wrong. But then everything would be entirely subjective, right? Anyway, I disagree with atheists, agnostics, etc, but I still respect them. Oh, that we would have love and compassion with one another, though we may disagree. People are people, no matter how ridiculous we feel their beliefs are. Mockery and hatred are not the answer regarding our difference. Peace!

  8. Justin T. says:

    The existence of morality in general points to a moral law giver.

    Morality is doing those actions which harm others’ person or property the least and benefit others the most. You don’t need a higher being to know not to be a dick to others. At least I don’t, anyway. If you want a cosmic babysitter, that’s fine.

    Although a quick read through your Bible should tell you that God is not a moral entity. He kills thousands of children on a whim, perpetuates slavery, and is generally indifferent to the suffering of humanity (when, of course, he isn’t directly causing it). If God is who the Bible says he is, and Jesus is truly God, then let me know when he makes his triumphant return so I can kick him in the balls for all the horrible atrocities he’s directly caused.

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