Sometimes violence is the answer – Epic Beard Man FTW!

This is EPIC BEARD MAN!

How to become a world famous douchebag/punk.

Step One: Pick a fight with an old man
Step Two: After the old man walks away, continue to pick a fight with him
Step Three: Get smacked down like the punk ass you are
Step Four: Get eaten by the Internet Hate Machine

If you watch carefully, you can see that Epic Beard Man is wearing a shirt that says “I AM A MOTHERFUCKER.” In nature, poison frogs have evolved bright colors so that animals know not to eat them. Those that fail to heed the warning are naturally selected out of the gene pool.

Similarly, if you see an old man who seems like easy prey, and you fail to heed the markings that nature has placed on him, you just might wind up on the downside of evolution – just like a dumbass bird who eats a poison tree frog.

In other words, this douchebag thought he could bully an old man while his friends cheered him on. Then, in a wild twist of fate, the old man kicks his ass. Now Mr. “call the amber lamps” is famous for being the would-be-bully who got punk-slapped. Can you imagine any self-respecting human female wishing to mate with this specimen?

H/T: PepsiCan

24 Responses to Sometimes violence is the answer – Epic Beard Man FTW!

  1. siouxsielaw says:

    I’m SO disappointed in you.

    The real hero of this video is clearly the hipster chic with the awesome blue tights and headphones. Zooey Deschanel sits there the whole time and doesn’t move. What the hell was she listening to? She managed to rise above her surroundings and escape to her world of fashion and music.

    • MikeZ says:

      I just went to this site and it does have a version of the backstory or at least some speculation. The one thing that pops out is it says the rlack man in the video is 50. Really I was getting a 17-25 vibe from him. Either he ages really well or there is just no way he is 50.

  2. Ashy Knucks says:

    This reminded me of a story my father told me. Incidentally, he has serious aggression problems. We were discussing how it’s annoying when people block the doors in the NYC Subway. He said that if people don’t respect his and others’ requests to “excuse me,” he just walks in as though the people aren’t even there. One time a young thug took issue with the fact that upon refusing to heed my father’s request, my dad (in his 60′s at the time) pushed his way past. Apparently, the thug said something along the lines of “touch me again I’ll beat your ass old man.” I asked my dad: “So, what did you do next?” His reply: “I popped that young son of a bitch right in the mouth! Knocked him down and let him bleed.”

    Apparrently the kid knew my dad was a crazy son of a bitch, remained on the ground, didn’t say anything else and left the train bleeding at the next stop. But for my father’s story, I can’t verify any of this, but I have seen my father knock out one person. In the late 1980′s this guy was tailgaiting my father with 4 kids in the car. He made the mistake of giving my father the bird for slowing down to back the guy off. At the next light my dad got out, walked back, punched out the passenger side window, and knocked the guy out with one punch. Not counting the above story, I’ve also seen him punch out three car windows (One time he did it because he didn’t like how a Jaguar driver stopped short at a red light when he was ushering me and my brother across the street) and be restrained from practically killing a teenager for throwing something at him.

    As I watched this video, I thought for a second that my dad may have up and moved to Oakland, but he’s not as tall as the epic beard man, nor can he grow a convincing beard.

    • Feldman says:

      Sounds like your father has some serious anger management problems that should be professionally addressed.

      I find it interesting how the two stories you tell seem to be incongruous. First your father punches out a guy that was blocking his right to get on a subway, then he punches out a guy who was exercising his right to drive in a manner similar to your fathers pushing people on a subway.

      We have terms for people like that…but I digress

      My buddy tells a story about how his father in a fit of rage once grabbed his little sister from the dinner table, threw her in the bathtub, and dumped her food all over her because she complained about the quality of the meal. He then proceeded to berate her and compare her to a piggy wallowing in its own shit while tears were streaming down her face.

      Moments like these make me realize that my engrams are not so fucked up and I can find comfort functioning as a Level III Thetan through the teaching of the Supreme Leader Xenu as told by the great profit L. Ron Hubbard…

      • Ashy Knucks says:

        Amen to the suggestion that he have his issues professionally addressed. One thing I’m grateful for is that he never turned his anger toward any family, only random strangers.

        Oh, and as for my father’s incongruity: HE’S FUCKING CRAZY!!! Consistency, congruity and reason are things he does not do well when rage enters the picture. He does knock people out well though…

  3. David Pasquarelli says:

    There are now two more videos out circulating on You Tube of this guy, one after he gets off the bus and goes ballistic (kicking stuff and yelling at people) and on where he gets tased at an Oakland A’s game. His name is Tom Bruso know on the street as SLick Tom or Vietnam Tom. The guy sounds like a bit of a nutjob with a history of violence.

    • Sure, maybe he is. Maybe he’s a complete wack. But… that doesn’t change the fact that he a) walked away from the confrontation and sat his ass down, and b) that the punk still decided to pursue the conflict, and he laid the first blow. EPB is in the right.

      The only thing I would criticize EPB for is that he stopped pounding the guy at all. He should have kicked the little shit until he was unconscious.

      • Dan Someone says:

        He may have walked away, but he didn’t leave it alone. The two of them were still yelling back and forth at each other. It’s not like Bruso went off to mind his own business and got assaulted unexpectedly.

        As for “He should have kicked the little shit until he was unconscious”: Why stop there? I mean, why not drag the guy out into the street and curb-stomp his head? If you’re going to wish for a disproportionate response, you might as well dream large.

        • He may have walked away, but he didn’t leave it alone. The two of them were still yelling back and forth at each other. It’s not like Bruso went off to mind his own business and got assaulted unexpectedly.

          So what? He who escalated the confrontation into physical violence got his punk ass kicked. That is how it is supposed to happen.

          As for “He should have kicked the little shit until he was unconscious”: Why stop there? I mean, why not drag the guy out into the street and curb-stomp his head? If you’re going to wish for a disproportionate response, you might as well dream large.

          I don’t think that there is anything disproportionate about knocking out the other guy. Once the other guy is unconscious, he can no longer pose a threat. However, a conscious opponent may be armed. An unbalanced little shit like Amba Lamps there could very well have decided to continue the confrontation, but to escalate it yet again.

          • Anon37 says:

            I disagree with you. From the video, it doesn’t look like the black guy hit him at all. And if he did, it was like a love-tap on the shoulder. Definitely nothing that suggested a real threat of any harm.

            You seem to think that if one guy does anything wrong, then it is no holds barred and you can do whatever you want – kind of like how the Russians justified it when they shot down an commercial 747 with hundreds of innocent passengers after the pilot accidentally veered over Russian waters. They were wrong, as was the white guy in this video.

            • A “love tap?” What the fuck is a “love tap?” So you think that “call the ambalamps” went up there to just give him some brotherly love? You’re a moron.

              Evidence of moronhood – what the fuck does this have to do with KAL 007?

              You’re too stupid to read this blog. Go read Concurring Opinions.

            • Ashy Knucks says:

              I disagree. There were words indicative of imminent physical violence coming from Amba Lamps. He told EBM to get off the bus before he kicked his ass. These words could have only taken on more significance when after EBM went to the other end of the bus Amba Lamps came back for more. At that point, and aggressive movement could have been construed as an assault, and EBM, being the person he is, construed it as such.

              Hence, Amba Lamps gets his ass thoroughly beat.

  4. Darren says:

    Yet another example of when “keeping it real” goes wrong…

  5. Here’s a blow-by-blow view of the ass kicking.

    • Ashy Knucks says:

      Old or not, Epic Beard Man is a BIG DUDE. Amba Lamps should’ve known better. The expression “Pick on someone your own size” should also be heeded when you’re giving up a foot and probably 40-60 pounds to the person with whom you pick a fight. This video made me realize the significant size difference when EBM stands up after the first punch is thrown.

  6. von snark says:

    what was the deal with the argument that led up to the beat down? It sounded like they had some words before the black dude’s cheerleaders started filming. Something about offering EBM a spit shine? I’m just wondering if EBM was looking for a fight and said some offensive shit to wind up BD.

    Not saying BD didn’t deserve the smackdown…clearly he decided to throw the first punch (weakly and lazily). I’d just like to know who started the verbal altercation.

    • Ashy Knucks says:

      Look two posts up. Spike TV interviewed EBM. He explains the story. At first I thought it would be totally one sided, but he explained all about why Amba Lamps may have taken offense. Apparently, he was explaining how a friend of his whom he referred to as his “brother” was going to spit shine his shoes that he planned to wear at his mother’s funeral a few days later. Amba Lamps then asked why it has to be a Black man who shines his shoes, and EBM said my “brother” could be a “Chinaman” for all he knew; basically, telling him he doesn’t know shit about who his friend is. The rest of the video answers the remaining questions.

  7. [...] Headlines from the Bitter Newsroom that like watching Epic Beard Man make violence the answer: [...]

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