You Sinful Front Huggers Can Go to Hell! You Go to Hell and Die!

I’m almost positive this is for real and not parody.  The rough riders for Christ part is what kills me.  Lawd, I can’t take much more.

The People’s Republic of Brooklyn

by Jason Fischer

“All your property rights are belong to us!”

Thanks to the socialist wing of our highest court, the language of the Fifth Amendment has been perverted to include economic development as a justifiable reason for disregarding private property rights.  In the latest episode of “how can the government make sex to me, without even buying me a drink first,” a developer in New York has convinced that state’s highest court that the New Jersey Nets need a new arena more than 146 people need to keep their homes (source).

In case you’re not familiar with United States property law, I’ll give a quick primer.  Owning “real property,” here in the U.S., essentially amounts to having the privilege of using U.S. laws and U.S. courts to enforce your rights against others.  If you don’t want your neighbor to build that fence 3 feet into your back yard, you can file a law suit and prevent him from doing that.  Since property rights come from the government, the government can potentially refuse to recognize your rights.  The Bill of Rights to our Constitution, recognizing this, includes a limitation on our government’s ability to just up and decide to turn you out of your house.  The Fifth Amendment states, among other things, that “private property [shall not] be taken for public use, without just compensation.”

Seems fair.  If your community needs a school or a road, and the only way that public utility can be built is to dispossess someone of their property, the government can do it, but they have to pay the fair value.  It would be better if property rights were inviolate, but clearly it’s going to come up occasionally.  The Founders came up with a plan, i.e., eminent domain, to make it reasonably just.  That worked just fine for 200 years — until some limousine liberal Supreme Court Justices decided that they knew what’s best for all of us, in their infinite paternal benevolence.

In 2005, the Court ruled 5 to 4 that handing people’s homes over to private real estate developers could be considered “public use,” within the meaning of the Fifth Amendment.  Luckily, most red states have reacted by providing state law protection for property rights (thanks be to his Noodly Goodness for the Tenth Amendment).  But the Empire State (guess which way they typically vote) is apparently okay with assisting private real estate developers in perpetrating a land grab in Brooklyn.  The following is a dramatization of what occurred:

So on this Thanksgiving, make sure you say thank you to Justice Stevens and his socialist, intellectual elitist colleges, Souter, Ginsburg, and Breyer, for taking a collective crap on the vision of our Founders — who gave King George the finger for, among other reasons, disrespecting property rights of non-royals.  (To this day, Britons still have to rent property from the Crown, rather than own it.)  It certainly is confidence inspiring to know that a real estate developer can march into a New York court, waving a page from Hugo Chávez’s playbook, and come away with an endorsement.  Clearly, we’re moving in the right direction as a nation.

Palin Confusion

One is a parody... the other is just a bad joke

Many people are confused by Sarah Palin. But, it seems that a recent parody of her book has confused a lot of people as to which one is the real Palin product.

Of course, when the author of a book is, herself, a joke and a walking talking parody, it can be confusing to try and figure out which one is the parody and which one is actually trying to be real.

Quick quiz: Why isn’t this filed under “trademark law?”

Newsflash: People Can’t ACTUALLY Be Douchebags!

Holy Shit! Breaking NEWS!

This just in, you guys:  a person can’t actually be a douchebag!  Breaking Freaking News!  Someone get that Drudge Report Siren up.  Done!

This is totally news to me, because until the Supreme Court of New York for New York County (phew) held differently, I really thought that when people called me a douche, they meant I was an actual, factual walking vaginal bulb syringe.  It was always so confusing.

All is made clear by this case.  Here, the principal of PR firm Four Corners Communication, Drew Kerr, registered the domain name www.rosstorossian.com, in order to criticize Ross Torossian, some rival douche in the sharks-and-jets world of PR, and placed a picture of a Summer’s Eve ad on the website.   In true douchebag form, Torossian got his panties in a twist and sued Kerr for defamation, among other things.

Not to be outdone in his valiant effort to be crowned king of the douches, Kerr called on his business insurance provider, Graphic Arts Mutual Insurance Company, to defend the suit.

[Aside:  How does this conversation go anyways?

Kerr:  Hi, I'd like to make a claim.
GAMIC:  Ok, what happened?
Kerr:  I called some guy on the internet a douche and I'd like you to pay to defend me.
GAMIC:  /facepalm

Aaaaaand scene!]

Turns out that Kerr and GAMIC’s contract contained a clause excluding from coverage “personal or advertising injury arising out of oral or written publication [...] with knowledge of its falsity” and GAMIC didn’t want to defend contending that Kerr had knowledge that Torossian was not, in fact, a douchebag (despite all evidence to the contrary).  Kerr sues for breach.  The court held that because Kerr’s assertion was — wait for it — an opinion and not a provable fact, Kerr could not have knowledge of its falsity and thus GAMIC should have honored their contact.  Perhaps GAMIC and Torossian could go halfsies on a dictionary so they can look up literal falsehood.  Douches.

Killing a fly with a bazooka – Wisconsin prison guards use grenade inside cell and try and cover up the evidence

File this under “holy shit!”

Wisconsin prison guards decided to toss a “non lethal” grenade into a prisoner’s cell. This grenade usually is used for outdoor crowd control. Naturally, the use of such a device on a 135 lb inmate seemed like excessive force, and the inmate received a $49,000 settlement.

But then the Wisconsin prison officials didn’t want to release a video of the incident. They complained that it would compromise guard safety.

The department initially denied the request for the video, claiming that release could jeopardize the prison’s camera surveillance system and allow inmate viewers to plot against guards. Later, the department admitted the footage was taken by a guard with a hand-held camera, not by the prison’s surveillance system — a fact AP reporters discovered while covering Jackson’s underlying civil rights case, Dreps said. (source)

Perhaps they should have just tossed in an Illudium Pew 238 space modulator.

Porn is “inescapable”

Monica Hesse, a writer for the Washington Post, seems to have a porn paranoia issue. Her article “Publicly, a whole new lewdness” has a decidedly Comstockian bent to it. But, the subtitle is even more hilarious: “Everywhere you look, porn is suddenly inescapable.”

People like Hesse are proof that evolution has failed. If she finds porn to be “inescapable,” I wonder how her ancestors avoided predatory animals. I mean, escaping from a hungry saber-toothed tiger required someone to run, jump, climb, and hide. “Escaping” from porn requires that one merely LOOK SOME FRIGGING WHERE ELSE!

I see things that I don’t like to see every day. I see ugly people. I see morons.

When I do not like it — I look away.

I escape.

Yes, by using a few muscles in my neck, I can escape from unpleasant sights, whether those sights are porn, cellulite, or puddles of puke on the street.

What do I care if the guy or the girl next to me is watching porn? I’m frankly more offended if they are watching “Dancing with the Stars” or something else that proves to me that we have become an idiocracy.

The Weblog Awards

Whatever. I mean, yeah, it would be sweet as hell to win. I’m not holding my breath though.

Nevertheless, if you want to go vote for us, click here and vote up the generous nomination that Mr. King provided.

Scott Greenfield – The Conscience of the Bar

Between his criticism of scaring clients and the difference between “anyone can blog” and “everyone can blog”, I think that Scott just might have a higher calling than his practice. I know I might sound like I am being a smartass. I am not (this time). If Scotty were in charge, this would be a better profession — to the benefit of all.

And now a word from our sponsor

Eric Holder in his younger days.

Mickey Mouse sues Donald Duck

Yes, really.

The sad thing is, its not the dumbest complaint I’ve ever seen filed in the Southern District of Flori-duh.

Never go full retard

But if you do, this is how you do it.

This is SPARTA!!!!

Okay, not exactly… but the Citizen Media Law Project has launched its Online Media Law Network. Good coverage of it here by one of my favorite journalists.

Jackassletters.com

This must be one of the strangest, but (to me at least) funniest public hobbies on the internet.

Christopher Jorgensen writes letters with just the right dash of snark and silliness and sends them off to various companies and famous people, and then posts their replies. He has suggested a urine absorbent thong line for Victoria’s secret, called hooey on 2,000 flushes (he only got 1,864 flushes), and informed Robitussin that their product makes a great cocktail ingredient. All had really funny replies.

Needless to say, most targets of his Jackass Letters don’t get the prank, and wind up seeming humorless or silly. Mr. Jorgensen even sent yours truly a letter. Lulz ensued.

His site really is a funny corner of teh interwebs. Check it out. You might waste hours over there, so you’ve been warned.

Will Phillips, age 10, First Amendment Bad Ass

Will Phillips – you are the First Amendment Bad Ass of the month.

Will’s family has a number of gay friends. In recent years, Laura Phillips said, they’ve been trying to be a straight ally to the gay community, going to the pride parades and standing up for the rights of their gay and lesbian neighbors. They’ve been especially dismayed by the effort to take away the rights of homosexuals – the right to marry, and the right to adopt. Given that, Will immediately saw a problem with the pledge of allegiance.

“I’ve always tried to analyze things because I want to be lawyer,” Will said. “I really don’t feel that there’s currently liberty and justice for all.”

After asking his parents whether it was against the law not to stand for the pledge, Will decided to do something. On Monday, Oct. 5, when the other kids in his class stood up to recite the pledge of allegiance, he remained sitting down. ( source).

Will lives in Arkansas. Being a 10 year old who stands up for gay rights must be hard enough. Doing so in Arkansas can’t be easy at all. He’s getting a load of grief from his classmates and from the teachers at his school, but Will is standing fast.

You go, Will.

At the end of the interview he is asked “What does being an American mean?

“Freedom of speech,” Will says, without even stopping to think. “The freedom to disagree. That’s what I think pretty much being an American represents.”(source)

And Will wants to be a lawyer….

I’ll be proud to sponsor him for membership in the First Amendment Lawyers’ Association in about 14 years. I wonder if he would pledge if the pledge read like this.

Anonymous Hooker Blogger Outed

by Jason Fischer

If you’re a fan of Showtime‘s adult series “Secret Diary of a Call Girl” (or even if you aren’t), you may be interested to know that the real-life anonymous author of the blog and book that inspired the series went public earlier this week.  (Source)

Dr. Brooke Magnanti, Ph.D. in informatics, epidemiology and forensic science, in an interview with The Times, talks candidly about how she got into the biz of having sex for money.

Dr. Brooke Magnanti
(a.k.a. Belle du Jour)

I was finishing my writing — I was getting ready to submit my thesis.  I saved up a bit of money.  I thought, I’ll just move to London, because that’s where the jobs are, and I’ll see what happens.  So I did.  I submitted the thesis but I was still preparing for the viva — there was quite a lot of writing and studying still to do.

I couldn’t find a professional job in my chosen field because I didn’t have my PhD yet.  I didn’t have a lot of spare time on my hands because I was still making corrections and preparing for the viva; and I got through my savings a lot faster than I thought I would.  The difference between living in the Highlands and living in London is massive.  I hadn’t really thought that one through.

I have a pathological aversion to being in debt.  My mother’s family are Jewish; there’s this hoarding thing, saving, being prepared — if you’re in debt somebody could come and knock at your door and take it all away tomorrow.  It got to the point where I didn’t have quite enough money for my rent.  I asked my best friend if I could borrow some money and he posted me a cheque.

I was looking at this cheque.  It wasn’t even the total of my rent; it was a quarter of it or something, some stupidly low amount like £120.  I thought, ‘But once I deposit this cheque, I’ll still need money for next month.’  And I couldn’t do it.  I couldn’t borrow this money knowing that I couldn’t pay it back and that I’d need more pretty much straightaway.  And that was when I started to think: what can I do that I can start doing straightaway, that doesn’t require a great deal of training or investment to get started, that’s cash in hand and that leaves me spare time to do my work in?  (Source)

The Times article, while a little on the long side, is still worth the read.  It discusses, in some detail, how Belle du Jour has *disproved* some of the time-honored preconceptions about the world’s oldest profession.  One of the reasons that she gives for coming forward is that so many doubt her story, claiming that it must be fiction.  How could a prostitute actually feel empowered by her career choice?  Even claim to enjoy the work?

When asked about whether she thought being a prostitute hurt her emotionally, Dr. Magnanti answers “I’ve felt worse about my writing than I ever have about sex for money.”  Somewhere, Andrea Dworkin is screaming in anguish, rolling over in her grave.

H/T Odie

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This story was originally posted on GaneshaFish.com