Goldman Sachs Tries To Bully Blogger

I've got news for you: the Supreme Court has roundly rejected prior restraint!
So Goldmansachs666.com will remain up as this case slowly winds its way through the courts like the man in the black pajamas wound his way through the jungles of 'Nam.

Michael Morgan is a Florida blogger who is a little bit upset with Goldman Sachs and its business practices. To voice his displeasure, he registered the domain name goldmansachs666.com and goldmansachs13.com and forwarded them to his blog on the financial giant.

Naturally, Goldman Sachs doesn’t like to be criticized. Who does? Nevertheless, I fail to see how they could have perceived Morgan as a threat to their financial well being or anything else. The fact is, Mr. Morgan’s blog just isn’t that good. The layout is visually painful. The writing isn’t engaging. After muddling through it for about 15 minutes, I still don’t really get what all the fuss is about. In other words, Morgan’s blog was destined for the blogger derelict heap. Morgan has a full time job, had very few readers, and probably would have either gotten bored with his griping, or his blog would have been ignored to death.

With Morgan’s blog plodding along in obscurity, enter John A. Squires of Chadbourne and Parke, LLP. Now this guy has an impressive background: He was top of his class in law school, on his law school’s moot court team, on law review, and an Order of the Coif inductee. Sounds like a pretty smart guy, no? Smart enough to become co-chair of the intellectual property practice at a major law firm. Smart enough that he “is widely recognized in both the financial services and technology sectors as one of the country’s top experts on the issue of patent-eligible technologies.”

Goldman Sachs' demand letter
Click to enlarge

Nevertheless, he put his name to one of the dumbest trademark demand letters I have ever read. Go ahead, click it. If you practice trademark law, don’t drink any liquids while reading or you’ll shoot them out your nose as you’re laughing and then you might have to change your shirt.

This letter seems to anecdotally confirm two things I’ve preached for years:

1) Patent guys don’t necessarily know trademark law,

2) A lawyer who doesn’t understand public relations is only half a lawyer.

I’m just guessing here, but I’m reasonably certain that Mr. Squires did know better. This demand letter just screams “reluctantly written to shut a client up.” Patent lawyer or not, the guy had to know that his trademark claims were just plain stupid. If goldmansachs666.com creates confusion in the marketplace, then I guess that I had better stop calling my balls my “nutsack,” because someone might come along and expect them to sweat stock options.

Personally, I would never have affixed my signature to this piece of dung. I’ve learned the art of “client control.” That’s when you tell someone “my credibility is worth more than what you want to pay me to write this unsupportable demand letter.” Sadly, many lawyers never learn this skill. I’m certain that some tool at Goldman Sachs told Squires “I don’t care if we can’t back the claims up, just send the letter to try and scare this little mouse of a blogger.” (Or maybe I’m just inclined to give the lawyer the benefit of the doubt).

Although I would love to say that I would continue to that same big shiny set of brass balls if my client were a gazillion dollar financial powerhouse that shits rubies, I won’t judge Mr. Squires until I walk a mile in his Bruno Maglis — especially since I’m 98% certain that somewhere, he has an email to his client telling them that the claims in the letter are just one molecule away from being pure pharmaceutical-grade fecal goodness.

At least I hope so… because the mouse, he bite.

Squires’ letter ends with a threat that if Morgan doesn’t confirm, in writing, that he will stop using the words “Goldman” and “Sachs,” they just might sue him. Well, April 18 is a Saturday, Walter Sobchak doesn’t roll on Shabbos, and Mike Morgan did respond in writing — with a lawsuit of his own.

Morgan probably figured that if Goldman Sachs wasn’t bluffing, they would file suit against him in New York. Morgan lives in Florida, and would likely rather just have it out in Florida than travel to New York. So, given that there was a bona fide legal question — created by Squires’ dumb letter, Morgan had the right to file suit to just get the whole thing over with. Naturally, Goldman Sachs probably isn’t too worried about the financial consequences of this suit. The most that Morgan will win is a piece of paper that says he has the right to use the words “Goldman” and “Sachs” to criticize Goldman Sachs. But what a piece of paper it will be.

More importantly, now that he has filed suit, a lot more people are going to take note of this dispute. I’ve been following it for a little while myself, and until I received a copy of Morgan’s complaint, I didn’t really find it interesting enough to write about. Guy gripes. Company whines. Dumb demand letter. Yawn. Happens every day.

What doesn’t happen every day is that the griper has the coglioni to tell one of the biggest financial institutions in the world “You wanna step outside? Fine, lets go.“

So now what happens?

Hopefully, Mr. Squires tells his client “I told you so,” and keeps a copy of the memo he sent them telling them that this was all a really dumb idea and that they should have just ignored Mr. Morgan’s blog. If he didn’t tell them so, then someone at Goldman Sachs should re-think how they choose their attorneys.

Once that is all settled, Goldman Sachs should just gracefully back away from this — issue a statement that they reconsidered their position, and it all goes away. The first rule of getting out of a hole is to stop digging. However, I predict the opposite will happen: Goldman Sachs will dig in, the Spin Doctors song “Little Miss Can’t Be Wrong” will be played over the PA system at Chadbourne and Parke, and we will see both an answer and a counterclaim that will be just one hair shy of being frivolous enough to warrant sanctions because some nitwit will think that it will scare Morgan into submission… and the case will draw even more attention to this once-obscure blog.

And then we’ll see if Mr. Morgan’s reporting on Goldman Sachs’ misdeeds grows any legs. He already has a conference call scheduled to gather the volunteers who have rallied to his side.

I Told You So, GoDaddy!

Thomas O’Toole writes about how one of my theoretical posts has now come to life.

Prof. Marc Randazza had a great post Is GoDaddy a Mass Cybersquatter? on his Legal Satyricon and, while it’s great fun to muse about these things hypothetically, I think everyone agrees that live action is best. Now we have it in Ubid Inc. v. Godaddy Group Inc., No. 09-2123 (N.D. Ill., complaint filed April 6, 2009).

Read the rest of O’Toole’s piece, Click Ads on GoDaddy Parked Pages Draw Cybersquatting Suit.

And thank you Thomas for noticing!

Save Cynthia Logan

If Def Leppard were around today, maybe they would name their album 'Sexting'

I have great compassion for Cynthia Logan, but she must be stopped. Well, more to the point, it is time to save her from those who are exploiting her for their own gain.

Cynthia Logan is the mother of Jessie Logan. Jessie Logan made what some might call a “bad decision.” She took sexually provocative photographs of herself and sent them to her high-school boyfriend. When the two of them broke up, he childishly sent them to all his buddies, and they forwarded them, and so on. Jessie recently took her own life, and as often happens her mom has been making the talk show circuit calling for “tougher laws.”

Jessie’s parents are attempting to launch a national campaign seeking laws to address “sexting” – the practice of forwarding and posting sexually explicit cell-phone photos online. The Logans also want to warn teens of the harassment, humiliation and bullying that can occur when that photo gets forwarded. (source)

I don’t want to cause any pain to the Logans, but lets assign blame where it is due before we start running off at the mouth that we should add new laws to the web of idiotic laws we already have. Why would Jessie be so despondent? Was it really all about “sexting?” Is the “sexting can kill” statement a whole lot of BS? Parry Aftab says that Sexting Can Lead to Death! On the other hand, Dr. Marty Klein tells us “Sexting” Can’t, Repeat, Can’t Kill Anyone.”

For the record, I’m going with the Doctor over the lawyer on this one.

What gets conveniently buried in this story is that just before Jessie Logan committed suicide, she attended the funeral of a 16 year old classmate who took his own life. What is completely omitted from the coverage is any call for personal responsibility — or perhaps any mention that our society’s absolute paranoia and erotophobia might have contributed to Jessie’s death. Why? Because the “fear of sex for profit” industry wouldn’t have anything to sell if those factors were taken into account.

The fact is that every damn kid thinks about suicide — it is a normal part of teenage hormone-driven angst – and teens require advanced parenting. Teen suicide doesn’t need an engine like “sexting,” and Jessie Logan is unfortunately not special. She’s just one of many teenagers whose parents didn’t see the warning signs and now they are looking to find someone, anyone, but themselves to blame — an eminently normal and forgivable reaction. I’m not saying that Jessie’s parents are to blame. They are as blame-worthy and blame-less as any parent of a teenager who commits suicide. They are blame-worthy for not seeing the signs, but blame-less because frankly, they can be almost impossible to interpret until after the fact – as virtually any parent or friend of a teenager who has taken his or her own life will tell you.

Do we need new laws? Is “sexting” really “dangerous” as those in the fear-mongering industry want us to believe? No, it sure isn’t. Lesson 1 is to communicate with your children about the over-arching issue here — teen suicide. When I was a kid, my parents suggested that if I ever wanted to kill myself, I could just decide to fuck my life up instead. I always kept that in mind as a backup plan.

Lesson 2 is to teach your kids to either not sext, or if they want to be comfortable with their sexuality and do so — to be prepared for the consequences. If those consequences arise, they just might need to understand that high school is only four years long, and once they get to college they can be whoever they want to be. I know a lot of girls who got tagged with the “slut” or “whore” label. You know how they dealt with it? Some reinvented themselves when they left for college. That’s part of the wonder of going away to college. Some just reinvented themselves in high school, turning Goth or some such silliness. Others reveled in the label and enjoyed their youth in a shower of promiscuity. Lets face it, sluts have more fun, and usually those doing the taunting are at their life’s unhappily low peak. You want proof? Go to your next high school reunion and look where the bullies are today.

Jessie Logan’s epitaph should not be written by the fear-mongering industry. If it is, there will be more Jessie Logans, they’ll just use stupid 18 year old logic to make permanent decisions about another temporary problem. But, if her epitaph is written by the fearmongers, we’ll have exactly the same number of teen suicides, but at least one more dumb law that encroaches on our liberties.

The bigger problem is the fact that the “fear of sex” business, both the right-wing religious nuts and the left-wing “junior anti-sex league” types has turned any exposure of a healthy interest in sexuality into something that an 18 year old girl needs to fear and be ashamed of in the first place. Instead of running around the country with shrill “warnings” about the “danger” of sexting — maybe Cynthia Logan’s message should be to tell kids that their interest in sex is normal and that there are options to suicide.

Losing a family member does not make you an authority on anything except grief. Cynthia Logan has the right to lecture on how to cope with losing a daughter — but losing a child does not give anyone the mental capacity to draft laws nor to lobby for other fools to draft them. In fact, it does the opposite.

Cynthia Logan should be forgiven for reacting foolishly. Any mother who loses a child shouldn’t be expected to think clearly. However, it is clear that she’s being exploited by people with a vested financial and political interest in fear mongering. It is up to us to stop that exploitation.

R.I.S. – Marilyn Chambers Dead at 56

Adult film actress Marilyn Chambers is dead at age 56. (source)

Iowa Idiot Calls for “Executive Order” Staying State Supreme Court Decision on Gay Marriage

Bob Vander Plaats on the campaign trail

This is a new “tactic” by the American Taliban.

In Iowa, Bob Vander Plaats, a Republican candidate for governor has issued a statement that demands that Iowa’s current governor “immediately intervene” to set aside the Iowa Supreme Court’s ruling that the Equal Protection clause of the Iowa Constitution requires that marriage be offered to all Iowans.

“I don’t want to wait two years,” said Vander Plaats. “I want this governor to issue an executive order that says there will be a stay on all same-sex marriages until the people of Iowa have the right to vote. If I were governor today, I would issue that executive order immediately.” (source)

And if I were a leprechaun, I’d shit gold nuggets and piss Guinness beer.

In the next election, when the people of Iowa are considering their choice for governor, I hope that they will remember Vander Plaats’ stupidity and his bush-like misunderstanding of what the executive can do. The governor doesn’t get to issue “executive orders” that overturn supreme court decisions.

H/T: Brian B. Vakulskas

Gloucester Til The End

A video about my hometown by two guys from back home, Earl Foote & Archie MacLeod.

If you happen to be a member of the Gloucester Diaspora, be careful. You may put your house up for sale after watching.

Clearwater Bait Shop Wins Round One

Posting the First Amendment is a code violation in some parts of this here wang.

A Clearwater, Flori-duh bait shop has won its first round in a First Amendment fight over a mural on its wall.

U.S. District Judge James D. Whittemore issued an injunction forbidding Clearwater from levying any more fines on the Complete Angler for its mural while the case is in litigation. The city also can’t fine the shop at 705 N Fort Harrison Ave. for covering its mural with a banner displaying the First Amendment.

The tackle shop’s owners, Herb and Lori Quintero, say a mural of game fish on an outside wall of their store is art. The city says it’s an unauthorized sign and a code violation. (source)

Newspeak is Retarded

I have a big fat mushy soft spot for anyone who didn’t get a fair shake in life. I’m especially protective of the mentally disabled. I grew up with a family who had a kid with Down’s syndrome, and I learned that having Down’s doesn’t make you stupid, unproductive, nor does it mean that you can’t be “one of the guys.” This guy was the middle child. For most of our youth, his two “normal” brothers were unemployed, lived with their mom, and didn’t have jobs. The one with Down’s had a girlfriend, an apartment of his own, and was gainfully employed. Some people with Downs are downright smart, witty, and a hell of a lot of fun to be around (not to mention, this particular guy could drink me under the table).

I’m down with the Down’s.

I absolutely adore the Special Olympics. That organization is one of the most well-meaning, make-the-world-a-better-place collections of souls that the world has ever seen. They even have a sense of humor, as they not only endorsed, but helped in a technical advisory way to make the movie, The Ringer, with Johnny Knoxville.

But, today, I must give the finger to the Special Olympics and their campaign to try and stop people from using “the r-word.” (retarded) To their credit, nobody is talking about legislation. They are throwing their view out into the marketplace of ideas and hoping that someone buys it. I’m throwing mine out there too. The Special Olympics’ attempt to get us to purge this word from the vernacular is, in the words of my people, wicked fahkin’ retaahded. (subtitle: Wicked. Fucking. Retarded.)

Don’t get me wrong. I accept any group’s wishes when they say “don’t call me that.” African Americans seem to change their name every 20 years. Once “negro,” was the term of choice… then it changed to “colored.” (Hence the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People or NAACP). When I was in high school, it turned to “black,.” When I was a freshman in college, I was informed that the proper terminology was Afro-American. By the time I graduated, it was “African American.” It seems to be back to “black” again. That doesn’t bother me. If I wake up tomorrow and there is an announcement from the NAACP that they prefer to be called “The Knights Who Say Nee,” I’ll respect the decision and call them that until they change their mind again.

The same goes for the “developmentally disabled.” As long as it doesn’t get Orwellian (I’m never using “handi-capable”), they can be whatever they want. In fact, I think it is sort of uncool to lump all “handicapped” people under one label. I think it is far more respectful to refer to the actual individual condition that affects the person (if it is relevant at all to the conversation), and that’s why I agree that referring to someone who is “developmentally disabled” as “retarded” is disrespectful and uncool.

So we agree, don’t call anyone with Down’s a “retard.”

But, that doesn’t mean that we need to cleanse the language of all uses of the word. I love the word “retard.” “Retard” is a completely accurate way to describe Marion Barry, Rhonda Storms, George W. Bush, Gail Dines, Larry Craig, Andrea Dworkin, and Kevin Federline. It is not the right thing to call Corky. Allow me to demonstrate where the line is drawn:

Sarah Palin’s son, Trig, is retarded: Formerly correct, now incorrect
Sarah Palin’s son, Trig, is a retard: Incorrect
Trig Palin has Down’s sydrome: Correct
Sarah Palin is a fucking retard: Correct

I’m sick of P.C. police trying to strip the language of words that are, well, colorful — even if they can be nasty and mean if used that way. On one hand, it makes the language just a little more grey. On the other hand, it counter-productively adds power to the negativity. As Lenny Bruce said:

it’s the suppression of the word that gives it the power, the violence, the viciousness. Dig: if President Kennedy would just go on television, and say, “I would like to introduce you to all the niggers in my cabinet,” and if he’d just say “nigger nigger nigger nigger nigger” to every nigger he saw, “boogie boogie boogie boogie boogie,” “nigger nigger nigger nigger nigger” ’til nigger didn’t mean anything anymore, then you could never make some six-year-old black kid cry because somebody called him a nigger at school.

These efforts to create a politically and socially correct “Newspeak,” have always pissed me off. In the Appendix to 1984, Orwell wrote:

The purpose of Newspeak was not only to provide a medium of expression for the world-view and mental habits proper to the devotees of Ingsoc, but to make all other modes of thought impossible. It was intended that when Newspeak had been adopted once and for all and Oldspeak forgotten, a heretical thought—that is, a thought diverging from the principles of Ingsoc—should be literally unthinkable, at least so far as thought is dependent on words. (source)

I understand that the developmentally disabled have a problem gaining the respect they deserve. I feel for them and I wouldn’t stand by as anyone abused or mocked the developmentally disabled. However, if the Special Olympics thinks that I’m prepared to let them start taking words out of common usage, because those words facilitate what they consider to be “bad thoughts,” then they really are a bunch of ‘tards.

This kind of thing gives critical crybaby theorists and every other kind of “victim studies” blowhard a raging boner. But, for those of us who actually contribute anything to society, all it does is get us to a place where the message gets lost in endless quibbling over words. The Newspeak police are so damned hypersensitive that innocent use of the word “niggardly,” a word derived from Old Norse (which means “cheap” or “miserly” can create a national freak out, and even “Water Buffalo” (a Hebrew translation) can be perceived as racist, thus labeling the user as a thinker of racist thoughts, ergo someone who needs re-education sensitivity training.

“Retarded” no longer means “developmentally disabled.” Therefore, the developmentally disabled don’t get to own the word anymore.

And if they do, then I want the guinea pig and the nation of New Guinea to be renamed. Italian pride demands it.

Happy Easter!

Image by Tad Barker (www.tadbarker.com)

Easter: A holiday during which we use pagan rabbit and egg fertility symbols to celebrate a fairy tale about a guy who was his own father who was the greatest guy ever, so they nailed him to a piece of wood and then he turned into a cosmic Jewish zombie who doesn’t want to eat our brains (like regular zombies) but rather says that he can zap away an evil force that is in you because a rib woman ate a fruit because of a talking snake if only you will telepathically tell him that he’s the greatest guy ever and never masturbate, look at porn, or vote for a democrat.

And despite how utterly stupid I think the whole thing is, it doesn’t make pictures of your kids with a giant bunny any less adorable.

Personally, I’m fascinated by the Eastern European Easter traditions. On Easter Monday, men are supposed to throw water at women and then spank them with a special whip made of willow rods with colored ribbons at the end. (source) Apparently, the spanking should be painless and symbolic, but is necessary for the women to remain healthy and beautiful for the upcoming year. (source) Good thing I married a Polish girl.

Pagan fertility symbols, zombies, and mild spanking. Count me in!

Tune in tomorrow for a report on how Mrs. Satyricon reacts to me re-introducing her to the Easter traditions of her ancestors.

In Michigan, Dog Semen is Outside the Jurisdiction of a Family Court

Thank God, that’s settled.

Confusion?… We don’t need no stinkin’ confusion!

by Jason Fischer (follow me on )

The Wall Street Journal published a story about how Monster Cable was trying to bully the owners of a mom-and-pop business into changing their name. According to David Tognotti, Monster Cable’s general manager and an attorney, the company considers “Monster” a famous mark — on a par with Barbie dolls or Camel cigarettes, giving them the right to prevent an indoor mini golf establishment from calling itself “Monster Mini Golf.” (I guess Mr. Tognotti’s IP professor didn’t fill him in on how much success Mattel has had keeping people from using its “Barbie” trademark. See here and here.) He even cites to “McCarthy on Trademarks” as his authority. However, WSJ interviewed Professor McCarthy, who pointed out that federal courts get to decide which marks are famous, not general managers of stereo cable manufacturers.

Other ridiculous enforcement efforts, pursued by Monster Cable:

• Monster Garage (a show on the Discovery Channel about modding cars and trucks)
• Monster Energy Drink
• Monster HTPC (a maker of high-end gaming PCs)
• Snow Monsters (a kid’s skiing group)
• MonsterVintage.com (a small used clothing store)
• Monsters, Inc. (an animated feature film, produced by Pixar)
• Monsters of the Midway (a nickname of the Chicago Bears football team)
• Green Monster seats (taking their name from the left field wall at Fenway Park)
• Monster.com (an employment website)

Vermont Legalizes Gay Marriage

The latest state to join the march toward equality and piss off the South!

Vermont was the first state in the USA to recognize “civil unions” for same-sex couples way back in 2000. Today, Vermont joined its New England neighbors, Connecticut and Massachusetts in legalizing same sex marriages. The Vermont legislature passed an override of Republican governor Jim Douglas’ attempt to veto the measure. (source)

Apparently, the New Hampshire and Maine legislatures are also considering similar bills.

Can New England secession be far behind?

Mat Staver gets the double asshat award for his comment on Vermont’s progress.

Mathew D. Staver, Founder of Liberty Counsel and Dean of Liberty University School of Law, commented: “ … By redefining marriage, the Vermont legislature removed the cornerstone of society and the foundation of government. The consequences will rest on their shoulders and upon those passive objectors who know what to do but lack the courage to stand against this form of tyranny.”(source)

Volokh, no liberal, pwns Staver:

So a democratically elected legislature votes for a law that treats same-sex marriage the same as opposite-sex marriage. The law doesn’t restrict the freedom of opposite-sex couples; it just gives same-sex couples the same benefits. Perhaps the law is unwise; perhaps it undermines important social institutions; perhaps it will eventually lead to bad things. I doubt that, but such arguments are at least possible. But “tyranny”? Or has “tyranny” just come to mean “any law I dislike, even if it doesn’t restrict anyone’s liberty, usurp any power that should belong to democratically elected bodies, or discriminate against anyone”? (source)

Perhaps what Prof. Volokh doesn’t understand is that anything that comes out of “Dean” Staver’s mouth is usually infected with bigotry and stupidity.

Seriously, anyone who attends Liberty University has got to have their head jammed firmly up their ass.

Vero Beach, Flori-duh Moves to Ban Adult Entertainment

Vero Beach, Home of the Beach Burkha

Vero Beach, Flori-duh is moving to ban jello wrestling, mud wrestling, and any unauthorized display of the buttocks — which it defines as follows:

“For purposes of this section, the term ‘buttocks’ shall mean the area at the rear of the body which lies between two imaginary lines running parallel to the ground when a person is standing, the first or top such line drawn at the top of the nates (i.e. the prominence of the muscles running from the back of the hip to the back of the leg) and the second or bottom line drawn at the at the lowest visible of this cleavage or the lowest point of the curvature of the fleshy protuberance, whichever is lower, and between two imaginary lines on each side of the body, which lines are perpendicular to the ground and to the horizontal lines described above, and …”

In other words, ladies, you better get rid of those swimsuits. (source)

Another Evangelical Sex Offender

And on the eighth day, the LORD created pedophiles

A man who narrates Christian CDs has been arrested on suspicion of using the Internet to arrange sex with a teenage girl.

Juan Alberto Ovalle, 42, thought he was corresponding with a girl under the age of 15, but instead it was undercover officers with the Jefferson County district attorney’s office, according to court documents.

Ovalle works for a Spanish-speaking arm of the Colorado Springs Christian group Focus on the Family and narrates Biblical text for CDs, according to Internet websites that sell the products. (source)

I’m no fan of these internet-entrapment schemes, but if they must entrap someone, I’m glad that it was one of Dobson’s boys.

The USPTO is Going Soft on Patent Applications

by Jason Fischer (follow me on )

Kerry Gorgone reports on the touching story of a pint-sized “inventor” who “came up” with the idea for attaching an IV bag pole to a kiddie car, so that hospitalized children can play while getting their meds. It seems the kid filed a patent application for the device and is charging a licensing fee for toy manufacturers to build the thing.

As heartwarming as this particular story may be, it provides a textbook example of an obvious device, which means that it should not be entitled to patent protection. When an “inventor” merely “‘arranges old elements with each performing the same function it had been known to perform’ and yields no more than one would expect from such an arrangement, the combination is obvious.” K.S.R Int’l Co. v. Teleflex Inc., 127 S. Ct. 1727, 1740 (2007) (quoting Sakraida v. Ag Pro, Inc., 96 S. Ct. 1532 (1976)). Providing patent protection for obvious devices does not further the constitutional mandate of our patent system — to promote the progress of science and the useful arts. K.S.R. Int’l Co., 127 S. Ct. at 1746. In fact, it weakens that system and provides plenty of ammunition for those who would criticize it and demand reform.

The fact that this device is used by sick children should not provide a “free pass” to patentability. I was shocked to read the examiner, Kevin Hurley’s office actions, finding not even a mention, let alone some analysis, of 35 U.S.C. § 103 as it applies to this device. See Image File Wrapper for U.S. Patent No. 7,374,228.

@Lawminatrix: Good luck with your office chair/beer keg thingy, but you might have a better chance, apparently, if you can describe your device as useful for baby kittens, butterflies, and/or bunny rabbits.