July 4 And Your Sexual Freedom

July 4, 2009

Dr. Marty Klein

Dr. Marty Klein

By Marty Klein, Ph.D
Special Guest to the Legal Satyricon

This weekend we celebrate the birthday of our country. Many will do this by participating in a parade, getting drunk, or displaying the Stars & Stripes. But there are other ways to celebrate the sacrifices that have made America the world’s most radical experiment in free speech and free thought.

It’s not the fact that you were born here that makes America great. It’s the principles that America stands for, struggles with, and protects. So this week you’ll be honoring those who have fought and died for America when you:

* Use birth control
* Download porn
* Watch the Sopranos or South Park
* Go to a raunchy comedy club or listen to a raunchy CD
* Have non-intercourse sex
* Get a lapdance at a neighborhood club
* Have sex with someone of a different race
* Have sex with someone of the same gender

Every single one of these acts took a court decision to affirm its legality—many from the Supreme Court. Yes, the same historic court that ended racially segregated public schools was needed to decide that Americans could legally purchase contraceptives, and that whites and blacks could have sex together.

When you live your normal life this week—using condoms, watching grownup TV, shopping in private on the internet, enjoying oral sex, ignoring ads for massage parlors in your local newspaper—you’ll be honoring the lives and hard work of thousands of plaintiffs, lawyers, judges, clerks, and volunteers.

These men and women may not have died in the line of duty, but they are on the front lines, serving our country. We have no medals for Bill Baird, Phil Harvey, Mildred Loving, Sherri Williams, or other heroes who have risked their lives, freedom, money, and sanity to protect our sexual expression. They fought not against a foreign enemy, but against tremendous pressure right here at home—from tyrannical majorities, powerful minorities, vindictive government agents.

These same elements threaten our basic American rights today.

Like other freedoms, sexual freedom isn’t free. Today, on our country’s birthday, let’s remember those mostly-anonymous people who struggled and suffered to make America safer for sexual expression and the commercial and intellectual activities needed to support it.

Let’s also remember the human beings languishing in American jails simply for creating sexually explicit films that millions of grownups have bought to use in their own homes. Our government has spent our money to stop these people from expressing themselves. If these people aren’t political prisoners, who are?

Some will say that our founders didn’t suffer at Valley Forge or die at Lexington & Concord so that your niece can buy rubbers, or a guy down the street can go see a stripper, or you can hear Jon Stewart say “dickhead.”

I say that that’s exactly why people died to create America—a special country in which people have the extraordinary right to do, say, and think things of which their neighbors—and government—disapprove.


Drew (tentatively) acquitted in MySpace suicide case

July 2, 2009

A federal judge today tentatively acquitted Lori Drew, the Missouri woman convicted for her involvement in the MySpace “cyberbullying” hoax that allegedly resulted in a young girl’s suicide.  If it sticks, the acquittal will help reverse the momentous change in online liability that Drew’s earlier guilty verdict threatened to set in motion.

Last November, a jury convicted Drew of three misdemeanor violations of the Computer Fraud and Abuse Act (CFAA), 18 U.S.C. § 1030, which is essentially an anti-hacking law.  Commentors widely criticized the convictions, as the case’s logic seemed to criminalize any violation of a website’s Terms of Service (see Marc’s Satyricon post, CMLP, Threat Level, and numerous links therein).

As Judge George Wu pointed out in announcing his tenative decision, such a result is probably unconstitutional.  Terms of Service include an infinite variety of provisions — most of which have little bearing on criminal acts — and few web users ever read them.

Stripped of the emotionally charged facts regarding the fraud and suicide, Drew’s crime was nothing other than failing to submit “truthful and accurate” registration information when creating a MySpace profile.  She would have been no less liable for misstating her height.

Note that the acquittal will not take effect until Judge Wu issues a written decision.  Until then, keep an eye out for the flood of commentary that will no doubt arise regarding the issue.


at&t’s “More Bars In More Places” – I’ll drink to that!

June 27, 2009

by Sean O’Connor

Guest Satyriconista

OK, so once I got over my disappointment upon realizing my mistake about which “bars” at&t meant, I realized that there might be a good blog post in it anyway.  I’ve been looking for something appropriately snappy to make my debut on Legal Satyricon, ever since Marc Randazza foolishly invited me, as a fellow former “Masshole”,[1] to post at will.  This topic also nicely took me out of my normal pro-IP comfort zone.  Plus, now that Marc is busy moving to the land of Californication, someone has to pick up the slack for him.

What’s really at issue here is one of those rare times when a corporation truly may have recaptured something from the public domain.  It’s not the “More Bars In More Places” slogan that did this, but rather at&t’s branding of the standard image of bars showing the strength of cell service in a given location.  We’ve all relied on these for years, and the cry of “crap, I’ve got no bars here” is a familiar refrain even among grandmothers.  The bars are purely functional representations of the strength of cell service and a standardized one at that.  If anything were unworthy of being captured as a trademark, this should have been it.

But my buddy Dan Laster and I first noticed a few years ago that at&t was using an image of the standard bars in a branding way.  Or at least, it seemed clear that they wanted consumers to start seeing it this way.  We marveled at the sneaky chutzpah of at&t, but figured someone would ultimately oppose any federal registration of the bars as a mark.

However, one thing led to another and the hopeful foreplay of the SM assertion of state service mark rights soon led to the full score of the ® federal registration mark.  I couldn’t believe it.  How could the PTO allow this mark?  Why didn’t competitors such as Verizon or Sprint oppose it?  It was indeed a great mystery.

It turns out that it was pre-at&t merger Cingular that applied to register the “bars” mark or “signal strength icon” with the PTO back in 2004.  And virtually all the other telecoms quickly protested the publication of the mark, which the PTO did with nary a clue as to how generic the mark already was.[2] Despite this, the PTO allowed the mark to issue, although it registered it only on the Supplemental Register (Serial # 78443400).  Nonetheless, at&t has been using the “®” on the bars which could lead many members of the public to believe that at&t has successfully registered the mark on the Principal Register.  At the same time, cancellation proceedings are underway.[3]

While I am aghast at the chutzpah of the attorneys who sought to register a blatantly functional, generic icon as a proprietary trademark, I reserve my highest scorn for the PTO.  I get that it was likely presented as only a brand symbol for registration (“the mark consists of a series of bars of varying heights”).  But to take a standard functional symbol such as the bars and let one company get exclusive rights, would be like allowing a single biotech company to get exclusive rights to the standard biohazard symbol.  I tell my students that most of these stories of big bad corporations pulling things back out of the public domain are just a mischaracterization of what actually happened, or what the exclusive rights really cover.  And I stand by this as a general matter.  However, the PTO stumped me on this one and I think they really rogered the public and other cell service providers.  Fortunately, the PTO seems to have come to its senses and is going to cancel the mark.  But in the meantime, at&t continues to paste billboard all over the country with the “More bars in more places” campaign and the bars logo with “®” attached.  I understand that until the mark is fully cancelled, they probably have a right to keep using the “®”.  But I think it is shady and misleading at best, given the cancellation proceedings underway.

At the same time, I have to hand it to SBC—whoops, I mean at&t.  First, they came into being as one of the Baby Bells spun off from the original behemoth AT&T in the 1984 antitrust break-up.  Second, they grew fabulously as “SBC” and then acquired the remains of the original AT&T that had steadily gone downhill since the break-up, rebranding themselves “at&t” in the process (and reviving the behemoth in many ways).  It was like the phoenix rising from the ashes – but with mock e.e. cummings humility. And then in a master stroke, they have appropriated the bars functional symbol from the public domain – and their competitors.  You have to admire that kind of Machiavellian cunning.  And it’s a testimony of the continuing power of high cost lawyers and blanket marketing campaigns.  What’s next: appropriation of the standard keypad layout as a trademark?


[1] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Masshole; http://massholeproshop.com/.

[2] See Nokia Letter of Protest available at http://tmportal.uspto.gov/external/PA_1_0_LT/OpenServletWindow?serialNumber=78443400&scanDate=2005041833352&DocDesc=Letter+of+Protest&docType=LOP&currentPage=1&rowNum=21&rowCount=28&formattedDate=13-Apr-2005.

[3] TARR Results available at http://tarr.uspto.gov/servlet/tarr?regser=serial&entry=78443400.


Natalia Loves First Class

June 23, 2009

natalia loves first class


No, We are not going out of business

June 22, 2009

Stay classy!

Stay classy!

I have received a few emails from readers asking whether the LS is going out of business. The answer is “no way, Jose.”

Recently, the editor has had a major change occur. After five fantastic years with my firm, I have (in consultation with my wife) decided to make a change. I’m going to be moving to San Diego to be general counsel for one of my clients. Never fear, this client is forward-thinking, and has granted me the right to continue to handle a few select clients on the side.

Needless to say, escaping from Flori-duh is a logistical nightmare, and leaving my firm requires a hell of a lot of work.

Of course, this comes at a time when a number of the Satyriconistas are studying for the bar exam or otherwise heavily occupied.

Accordingly, we are not going out of print – but there will be a brief slowdown/hiatus. Stay tuned. We’re not leaving the blawgosphere.

Stay classy.


He’s Got a Point

June 11, 2009

Libyan leader Moammar Gadhafi, addressing the Italian Parliament, asked a rather probing question.

“What’s the difference between the U.S. airstrikes on our homes [in Libya] and bin Laden’s actions?” If anything, … bin Laden is an outlaw, while the United States is a country that should abide by international law. (source)


“This ad is about a guy who would like a brew and some ass”

June 8, 2009

Some statements are just too awesome to go unquoted. The title of this post is one of them. Source


“Among the finest in the community”

June 5, 2009

Randall Moye:  Now this here bwah is from a fiiine family.

Now this here bwah is from a fiiine family.


An attorney representing Randall John Moye, 14, argued that his client should not be charged as an adult. After all, in his 14 years of life, he hadn’t yet gotten into any trouble. Moye’s mother, Jeanne Myers, testified that her son wanted to go to college one day. The attorney also said “his client’s family is among the finest in the community.” (source)

Apparently, here in Flori-duh, the “finest in the community” ass-rape little boys with hockey sticks. I shudder to think what the families of lesser quality are doing right now.

In some places “college” is slang for “prison.” I wonder if Mr. Moye and his friends will actually attend college, in the slang sense, where they too can learn what it feels like to be forcibly sodomized.


The Catsouras Photos, Privacy, and Privilege

June 5, 2009
The Catsouras' Car.  We have made an editorial decision to refrain from publishing the photos of the dead girl.

The Catsouras' Car. We have made an editorial decision to refrain from publishing the photos of the dead girl.

The Story:
A Porsche. A girl. A tragic death.

For those who don’t know, Nikki Catsouras was a beautiful young girl who made a terrible error in judgment, and it cost her dearly. Nikki was a rich kid (which is relevant) who stole her dad’s Porsche to go for a joy ride. With cocaine in her veins, and fine German engineering at her fingertips, she drove her dad’s $90,000 sports car way too fast, and way too recklessly.

She flipped the car and smashed into a tollbooth. In an instant, a vehicle that cost as much as a decent house in Kentucky transformed into a twisted ball of useless metal. More tragically, the impact tore Nikki Catsouras’ body apart. Someone at the scene took a series of photographs. The most graphic photo shows the girl’s head split open, the brain cavity empty as the impact squashed it like an over-ripe piece of fruit. I will not link to the photos of her, but if you are desperately curious, it shouldn’t take too much research to find them. Before you run off to search, let me warn you: If you have a single shred of humanity in you, viewing the photos of this girl’s body will make you feel like you’ve been kicked in the stomach. Crying would not be an unpredictable reaction – not even from the most stoic individual. You will, most likely, wish that you had never seen it.

The tabloid speaks to the daytime television addled masses

Newsweek reported on the story:

The accident was so gruesome the coroner wouldn’t allow her parents, Christos and Lesli Catsouras, to identify their daughter’s body. But because of two California Highway Patrol officers, a digital camera and e-mail users’ easy access to the “Forward” button, there are now nine photos of the accident scene, taken just moments after Nikki’s death, circulating virally on the Web. In one, her nearly decapitated head is drooping out the shattered window of her father’s Porsche. (source)

Somewhat predictably, the Newsweek piece then descends into tabloid-esque fear mongering and carries the torch for shrill anti-speech advocates. The author obviously spent her share of time talking to the fear-mongering and panic industry leaders, as she seems to be one of the last people on earth who considers the ironically-named “Reputation Defender” company to be any kind of a source of reliable information. The author takes only a few paragraphs before she cheekily labels those who posted the photos with a nifty little title, “cyber-aggressors.” The author does not deign to seek out anyone who might have a balanced opinion.

Silverman channels Jefferson, Voltaire, and Brennan

Although Newsweek did not seek out anyone with an opinion based in both law and ethics, preferring those who are pimping their books or their worthless “privacy defense” services, those voices are out there. Suffolk University Law Student, Justin Silverman provides a thought-provoking uncomfortable defense of those who publish the Nikki Catsouras photos — embracing the “hate the speech, but love free speech” view.

Silverman admits that his first reaction was “[s]traight from the gut,” and that he felt that the photos should be taken down. However, like all ethical thinkers, he reflected upon his emotions and meditated on his position. Silverman, giving us a view into his First Amendment bona fides, found himself defending expression which he despises.

I now realize my first reaction was the wrong one. Unlike most stories, the lines here are blurred and emotion can trick you into thinking you are advocating the right thing. The right thing, in this case, is not what it first seems. It is to defend that website’s right to show the photos, however disrespectfully it chooses to do so.

According to the Newsweek story, the Catsouras family considers itself out of legal options. The photos are public record after all, released by the police and made fair game to all whom seek to publish them. The dead can claim no privacy rights, and the photos are of only Nikki. These are the realities of firm legal principles that protect the public’s right to know and make it easier for information to be distributed. (source)

Of course, Silverman still despises those who published the photos. Despite his willingness to defend their publication, as part of his general support for free expression, Silverman does not let us forget that where the law’s boundaries end, there is still plenty of ground covered by something called “ethics.” Silverman is palpably reluctant in his eloquent defense of the right to publish the photos. Nevertheless, while he judges the photographs to be without value, and lectures the reader on ethics, he stays true to his own. Silverman admits that despite his personal distaste for this particular expression, he understands why the right to publish these photos exists, and he vows that he will continue to defend that right.

It’s not a change in the law I advocate. It’s just a reminder that in some cases our rights come at a high cost to others. Though we are free to exercise our rights, we should do so with purpose, for a greater good.

And that being able to publish photos doesn’t mean that we should. (source)

Amen brother.

The academic circle jerk naturally disagrees with Mr. Silverman and wants big brother to put us under his loving protective arm. Dan Solove comments at Concurring Opinions:

the government has a duty to avoid unwarranted disclosure of personal information unless there is a countervailing interest that outweighs the privacy interest. In the Catsouras case, the disclosure of the photos was clearly unwarranted. The police department punished the dispatchers for the disclosure, indicating that the disclosure was not condoned. These facts indicate to me a rather compelling case under existing law that the California Highway Patrol is liable for violating the Catsouras’s constitutional right to information privacy.

Constitutional right to information privacy?” Hold on. Let me check my Constitution. I must have a different Constitution than Mr. Solove. Now worry not, I’m not one of those “if it isn’t explicitly in the Constitution, it isn’t there at all” types. I agree that there is some constitutional right to privacy. “The First Amendment has a penumbra where privacy is protected from governmental intrusion.” Griswold v. Connecticut, 381 U.S. 479 (1965). However, a constitutional right to information privacy? I can’t go that far.

Nevertheless, I do agree that there should be a right to some form of information privacy. You should be able to feel secure that when the government gathers private information about you, it won’t then go broadcasting it around without some proper purpose. However, this is not private information. This is incredibly public information. If you do something in public, whether it is peeing on the sidewalk, flashing your genitals, tripping over stick, or dying in a horribly gruesome manner — that makes it public. That means that you have no expectation of privacy in that information. Just ask every girl who shows her tits at Mardi Gras and then finds her photos on the internet and every guy who gets arrested on COPS wearing one shoe and a dirty wife-beater.

What drives the publication of these photos? What drives the outrage?

I agree with Mr. Silverman that just because we can disseminate these photos doesn’t mean that we should. One would hope that human decency would compel people to refrain from exercising their right to distribute gruesome, gory, death-scene photos. I considered linking to them to prove a point or two, but my conscience wouldn’t let me. I simply feel too much compassion for Nikki’s parents to be part of the pornification of her death.

Accordingly, we have figured out that there was a legal right to publish these photos. We have also figured out that it was ethically objectionable to do so. This was someone’s daughter, and turning their death into mere voyeurism is simply disgusting. While I do not support the Catsouras family’s legal quest to bring the wrongdoers to justice (because I see no legal wrong in the publication), I can assure you that if I met the person who did publish them, I’d haul off and bust their teeth out and mail them to Nikki’s parents as trophies.

But, that leaves some questions about the human condition. Why have these photos, in particular, become such a target for voyeurism? And, this begs the corollary question: Why has the publication of these photos, in particular, inspired such outrage from the established mainstream media? Why such outrage from the legal academy that accomplished professors would place their very credibility on the chopping block and fall over each other to invent legal theories that even a law student knows are bunk — merely to support their emotional response?

I think the answer comes down to cultural class warfare.

Lets think about what is so different about these particular photos from other gory death photos. Are these the first photos to be splashed across the internet that show twisted and mangled corpses of someone’s loved ones? Someone loved this guy, and this guy too. Rotten.com is full of images of the dead and dismembered. There was no similar outrage when ice-packed Iraqi corpses were displayed for all the world to see. To this day, we can find photos of burned victims of Little Boy and Fat Man.

But this is different, isn’t it? But why?

This is different because it was a privileged, young, white, girl.

If that accident had been some poor black girl in a Chevy Lumina with duct tape on the fender and cellophane over the brake light, nobody would have given a shit. The photos might have made their way on to rotten.com, but nobody would have forwarded them, and nobody – especially not anyone who went to an Ivy League school – would have wasted the sweat on their fingertips by writing about it.

You have no idea who this girl is, do you?  Click the image to find out.

You have no idea who this girl is, do you? Click the image to find out.

Newsweek’s author and the academic circle jerk are offended because the Catsouras photos offend their notions of how the rabble should treat the privileged. You know exactly what I am talking about. That same privilege that made Natalee Holloway a TV news obsession because she was a privileged white girl on vacation in Aruba. Meanwhile, hundreds of black, hispanic, and just not-as-blonde, and most importantly — POOR — girls go missing in the United States every day. Greta Van Susteren could give a shit about them, but Fox News won’t ever let us forget that a rich blonde girl went missing in Aruba.

But it is hardly surprising that privacy advocacy and privilege go hand in hand. The entire concept of a “right to privacy” grows from an 1890 Harvard Law Review article by Samuel Warren and Louis Brandeis. They were not motivated by fear of an over-reaching government. They were motivated by a threat to their own privilege. In 1890, class divisions were far more distinct than they are today. The poor literally starved to death. Disease ran through American slums like fear of the Swine Flu runs through the advertising addled of today. Meanwhile, the wealthy lived in their Back Bay and Beacon Hill mansions, summered in Newport, and were far removed from the unwashed rabble that toiled for pennies a day so that the rich might keep their hands clean. Yet, when the rabble began to see how the “other half” lived in the gossip rags, the Brahmins were aghast. Did they not have a “right” to lord over the proles without the damn proles peeking in their windows? Warren and Brandeis certainly thought so.

The intensity and complexity of life, attendant upon advancing civilization, have rendered necessary some retreat from the world, and man, under the refining influence of culture, has become more sensitive to publicity, so that solitude and privacy have become more essential to the individual; but modern enterprise and invention have, through invasions upon his privacy, subjected him to mental pain and distress, far greater than could be inflicted by mere bodily injury.

Ah yes, the rhetorical device of claiming that mere words inflict more pain than bodily injury. Just once, I would love to hear someone say that and then slash their face with a razor blade to see if they really mean it, or if it is just academic circle jerking in action.

Brandeis and Warren trotted out rhetoric that sounds distinctly like the snooty whining of today’s Brahmins and over-educated do-nothings.

Nor is the harm wrought by such invasions confined to the suffering of those who may be made the subjects of journalistic or other enterprise. In this, as in other branches of commerce, the supply creates the demand. Each crop of unseemly gossip, thus harvested, becomes the seed of more, and, in direct proportion to its circulation, results in a lowering of social standards and of morality. Even gossip apparently harmless, when widely and persistently circulated, is potent for evil. It both belittles and perverts. It belittles by inverting the relative importance of things, thus dwarfing the thoughts and aspirations of a people. When personal gossip attains the dignity of print, and crowds the space available for matters of real interest to the community, what wonder that the ignorant and thoughtless mistake its relative importance. Easy of comprehension, appealing to that weak side of human nature which is never wholly cast down by the misfortunes and frailties of our neighbors, no one can be surprised that it usurps the place of interest in brains capable of other things. Triviality destroys at once robustness of thought and delicacy of feeling. No enthusiasm can flourish, no generous impulse can survive under its blighting influence.

Yes, if that looks familiar, you’ve been reading Cass Sunstein, Gail Dines, or Concurring Opinions. I don’t mock this, nor those authors, because I disagree with them. I actually agree 100% with the above paragraph. I fully believe that the idiots that slather across the landscape, driving at 45 miles per hour in the left hand lane, shopping at Wal-Mart, and very successfully passing their genes on to the next generation of Palin supporters and Octomoms are stupid and easily distracted and the world would be much better if they all read The Economist and Plutarch.

However, I’m different from the circle-jerk for two key reasons: 1) I can fully and publicly admit that I agree because I am a snob and I look down on 98% of mankind. 2) Despite the fact that I agree, I would not advocate for my views to be backed up by a change in the law. A citizen should be permitted to be an idiot if that is his choice. Where I part ways with Brandeis, Warren, and their intellectual descendants is when they call for the government to cure the ill. I say let the mouth-breathing NASCAR fans read their gossip magazines, watch their reality TV, and let them get off on watching the upper classes tear themselves apart. This, along with the opiate of religion, is what keeps them from rising up and cutting all of our throats. (By “our” I mean mine).

Lets face it, since the earliest of times, the lower classes have loved to watch their betters suffer. It provides a salve to the daily suffering that comes from being a low-life. If you live in some dump like Lakeland, Flori-duh, driving your crappy car to your crappy job and coming home to your crappy house and watch your crappy TV with your crappy stained t-shirt on while you look at your crappy ugly redneck wife and your stupid inbred redneck children, it must really suck. It must suck even more when you see that there are people like the Catsouras family: Dad worked hard, dad made lots of money, married a hot wife, and had three utterly beautiful daughters. Meanwhile, you’re eating pork rinds and beans in your fart shack of a dump, working at the plant, until it shuts down and your job gets shipped to Mexico. Then, you see the Catsouras family suffer — in large part due to their privilege. A rich kid’s drug (cocaine) plus a rich man’s car, in sunny Southern California, turns from the ingredients of a life that mocks your very existence into the components of a tragedy that lets you guffaw — that your kid won’t ever die like that, because you didn’t ever think too much of education or getting anywhere in life.

A big shiny Porsche and a beautiful young pilot with cocaine in her system turns from an object of envy into a parable for how the rich and their decadence will destroy them — or at least make those who drive that Chevy Lumina feel better about their condition.

Well, if that’s the case, damn it feels good to shit on the Catsourases, doesn’t it?

And when the rabble shit on the Brahmins, the Brahmins look out for each other and call for changes in the laws.

I’m sad that the Catsourases are collateral damage in this perpetual play. I got chest pains reading about their plight. I’ve been there. My best friend died in a rather spectacular manner, and the douchebag who did it is regularly profiled in magazines and TV spots — and he rubs my friend’s death in my face every time he does it. My wife has gone so far as to forbid me to enter the guy’s home state, lest my Sicilian heritage rear its head.

But, I’m not prepared to turn my pain into the suppression of the dissemination of lawful material, nor do I want a new law named after my best friend. Shit happens. Sometimes, when shit happens, there is a camera, a witness, a compelling story, and then those of us who were just minding our own business have to suffer the feeling of an ice pick into our hearts every time the needle skips on the vinyl of life. Those with privilege want to use that ice pick to chip away at our constitutional rights – which only further entrenches their privilege. If we let them, by the time they are done, we will have a patchwork of laws created by extreme outlier incidents, pushed for by the overprivileged like me, the Catsourases, and the legal academy – ushered in by a wail of hysterical shrill cries from those who follow them over the cliff.

Then, the 99.99% of other incidents that happen in daily life would be governed by these outlier incidents – slowly turning our entire existence into one that mimics our time in the security line at the airport.

That is not a result I want to see.


The Asshat in the Rye

June 2, 2009

Fuck You, Old Man Salinger

Fuck You, Old Man Salinger


J.D. Salinger wrote one of the most influential novels in modern history. If you don’t know which book that is, then you’re a moron. That might piss you off, if you are one of those who don’t know which book Salinger wrote, being called a moron and all. All morons hate it when you call them a moron.

Since writing his book, Salinger pretty much didn’t do anything worthwhile. Sure, he wrote a few more books, but nobody read them and nobody much cared. The Catcher in the Rye (fine, morons, there it is) was his magnum opus, and if I ever wrote something that damn good, I probably wouldn’t bother to write anything anymore either. I’d just go off and sit on a beach and drink mojitos with my royalty check money. Of course, then I might get drunk and call the guy a moron, because the guy usually is a moron.

But back to the book. What really knocks me out is a book, when you’re all done reading it, you wished the author that wrote it was a terrific friend of yours and you could call him up on the phone whenever you felt like it. The Catcher in the Rye knocked me out that way. I think it knocked out this Swedish guy, goes by the name J.D. California, because he wrote a sequel to The Catcher in the Rye where the main character is in his 70s and runs around New York City as a crazy old coot. I’m pretty sure that the book, 60 Years Later: Coming Through the Rye, sucks. I haven’t even read it, but if it was written by a Swedish guy obsessed with America and he can’t come up with a better pen name than “J.D. California?” I’m sure the book is a bunch of lousy recycled crap about what he sees on T.V. and thinks that is anything to do with the crumby America we live in.

Crumby and stupid or not, it was probably about time someone writes a sequel to The Catcher in the Rye. You might figure that Salinger would do it, but until today, I thought the old coot was dead. I guess he is still alive, 90 years old, he probably smells like that old guy smell, writing crap wishing he could write The Catcher in the Rye again.

Well, old man Salinger got right sore at “J.D. California,” for writing his sequel, and he’s suing him for it. I can see him now, old man Salinger and some stick up his ass crumby Ivy League lawyer, maybe even an academic with stupid patches on the elbows of his jacket, in court to stop J.D. California from writing the words “Holden Caufield,” because Old Man Salinger thinks that he owns that. Crazy old bastard. But, phony J.D. California doesn’t even call the guy “Holden Caufield.” He just uses the name “Mr. C.” Here’s Salinger’s lousy complaint full of self-important goddamned junk. God I hate that stuff.

If you really want to hear about the suit, the first thing you’ll probably want to know is what “fair use” is, and what Section 107 of the Copyright Act says and all that Mel Nimmer kind of crap but I don’t feel like going into it, if you want to know the truth. I don’t really write this blog for people who don’t know that kind of stuff already.

And like I said, I haven’t read anything by “Mr. California,” so maybe it is a “rip off,” like Old Man Salinger says, but I doubt it. Among other things, you’ll find that Old Man Salinger is not the first person who was ever confused and frightened and even sickened by human behavior and wrote a book about it. If his book is about a guy right out of high school, and “California Man” writes his about an old bugger, with maybe the same name and all, I can’t see any way that could be “copyright infringement,” at least not the section 106 or 107 version of it they taught us in my crumby law school. And if it pisses you off that there are guys out there who contribute one thing to the collective culture, and then think they have a monopoly on anything related to it, well you’ll be excited and stimulated to know. Many, many men have been just as troubled morally and spiritually as you are right now.

The thing is, anything that pisses you off and sickens you or stimulates you is probably something that another alienated wack job felt. Happily, some of them kept records of their troubles. You’ll learn from them – if you want to. Just as someday, if you have something to offer, someone will learn something from you. It’s a beautiful reciprocal arrangement. And it isn’t education. It’s history. It’s poetry. But, don’t you know, Old Man Salinger’s mind must be so addled by brain rot and the whisperings of his crumby Ivy League lawyer that he doesn’t give a shit and now “Mr. California” will stand trial for more than picking a really queer pen name.

The crappy part of it is that we’re seeing this happen again and again. First crappy Seinfeld and his suit in Castle

Crumby judge

Crumby judge

Rock. Then bitchy J.K. Rowling proved that you can take the white trash out of the U.K. ghetto, but it doesn’t change that she’s trash. And we’re supposed to be all nice about it, and say that they are just living off the fruits of their creative labors. But really, they are just putting big “Fuck You” signs on every stupid corner of the culture and they don’t care – because they made their money, and their stupid stick-in-the-ass Ivy League lawyers don’t care either, because they feel entitled. And if you ever wondered reasons why Sonia Sotomayor is a crumby judge, all you need to do is read her Castle Rock opinion – Castle Rock Entertainment v. Carol Publ. Group, 955 F. Supp. 260 (S.D.N.Y. 1997) where, like morons usually do, she stacked the deck for the big guy and crapped on the First Amendment.

In that case, Beth Golub watched too much Seinfeld, so she wrote The Seinfeld Aptitude Test, a bunch of trivia questions testing the reader’s knowledge of the Seinfeld TV Show. It doesn’t get much more “fair” use than that, but Sotomayor decided to apply a quasi-trademark law view mixed with a bizarre and narrow view of the fair use doctrine – and that since Castle Rock might have one day expanded their works into the trivia book realm, that Golub was infringing on Castle Rock’s derivative use rights. Then the crumby Second Circuit upheld her opinion. See Castle Rock Entertainment, Inc. v. Carol Publishing Group, Inc., 150 F.3d 132 (2d Cir. 1998).

So with the crazy opinion in Castle Rock, you know that this is why Old Man Salinger filed in the Southern District of New York. After he saw Rowling win her case – even though Ol’ Bill Patry even thought she shouldn’t have – then you know that Old Man Salinger was just drooling on his remote control when Matlock came on and then his Ivy asshole lawyers told him he could win. And you know he will even though there’s no way he can say that he was gonna write the sequel, because he just hides in some cabin in New Hampshire, writing nothing or writing something but not publishing it.

Knowing that is half the way to knowing that copyright law has gotten seriously fucked up. The Copyright Clause says that it is there to promote the progress of science and the useful arts – and they thought that writing books was a useful art, don’t you know, so how is it “progress” to stop this “California Dreamer Guy” from writing his sequel, when all that Salinger should be writing is his stinking tombstone. If you think about it, and read Sotomayor’s anti-speech dribble and drabble and drivel you’ll start to see that she, and Old Man Salinger are the reasons that the whole damn culture is covered with “Fuck You” signs written by Ivy League assholes. And all it proves is that if you had a million years to do it in, you couldn’t rub out even half the ‘Fuck you’ signs in the world. It’s impossible. So I’ll just make one of my own.

Fuck You, Old Man Salinger. Fuck You.


And Today, in Greasy Pole News

May 30, 2009

Police were called to Centennial Avenue [Gloucester, MA] at 6:35 p.m. Thursday on reports that somebody was riding an air mattress down the street. Police arrived to find a man with a homemade hovercraft powered by a leaf blower. He told police it was a prop for the Fiesta Greasy Pole events with a Jetsons theme and he was testing it out. (source)


Sotomayor’s Bad Free Speech Decision Doesn’t Mean She’s a “Censorship Goon”

May 29, 2009

By Jess Christensen

In an earlier post, Professor Randazza expressed the view that a 2008 decision by the Second Circuit Court of Appeals, of which Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor is a member, demonstrates that Judge Sotomayor is a “censorship goon.”

Respectfully, Professor, I disagree.

To be clear, I agree that the court’s ruling was wrong. But I disagree that this decision alone means that Sotomayor is no friend of the First Amendment.

You can read the court’s opinion in Doninger v. Niehoff, et al. for yourselves, but the gist is that student Avery Doninger was disqualified by school administrators from running for class office because of statements she posted on her personal blog calling the school district’s superintendent a “douchebag” and encouraging people to call the superintendent to express support for holding a school event.

The right to free speech embodied in the First Amendment is not a right to speak without consequence. If you tell your girlfriend, yes, your ass does look fat in those jeans, the consequence is likely to be no nookie for at least a month. If in a job interview, you say that your goal is to spend as little time working as possible and intend to surf the internets at every opportunity, you consequently aren’t going to get the job. If you set up an anti-semetic Facebook page that spews hateful racism and encourages violence, you run the risk that the Facebook people are going to tell you to piss off.

The problem arises when it’s the state that’s doling out the consequences.

Public school settings present a particularly thorny First Amendment landscape, where the balance between the free speech rights of students are often in awkward tension with the legitimate interests of schools to maintain an effective learning environment. If a student stands up in the middle of Algebra class each day and spends 10 minutes screaming “fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuuuuuuuuuuuuck” a the top of his lungs, I think we can all agree that while it might be funny the first time, it’s speech that is disruptive, and that, well, there should be some kind of consequence – even if that consequence technically transgresses the student’s First Amendment right to yell “fuck.”

In contrast, what the school failed to demonstrate, in the Doninger case, is that what Doninger wrote on her personal blog actually had the effect of disrupting the school (or, was so likely to do so that the school had no alternative to imposing discipline). That school administrators got some annoying phone calls and emails as a result of the blog (and a related email the students sent out) is insufficient to outweigh the likelihood that student free speech would be chilled as a result of banning Doninger from running for school office. So, I think, Sotomayor and the other members of the Second Circuit panel got it wrong.

That said, First Amendment cases that involve public schools are almost never easy, and very, very often are the result of the failure of the adults involved to find a solution to the problem that doesn’t involve state-imposed punishment. Doninger’s parents could have stepped in, and worked with their daughter to teach her that there are more effective ways to communicate about the issue. School officials could have used the controversy as an occasion to teach about the First Amendment, and perhaps convey the important life lesson that just because you have the right to say something, or say it in a particular way, doesn’t means it’s wise or productive to do so. Instead, the adults involved – parents and teachers – abdicate their responsibilities to courts who are ill equipped to mediate the growing pains of kids and make decisions about constitutional limits in the context of what should have been a parent-teacher conference.

So, while I agree that the Doninger decision was wrongly decided, I think its a poor basis for calling the game on her nomination. Initial reviews of her judicial record, including one done by the First Amendment Center, indicate that while there’s some cause for concern (the Doninger decision), there are other reasons to support her nomination based on cases involving free speech, free exercise, and separation of church and state – even if her record on the whole provides too few concrete examples to be able to predict how she’ll rule on many constitutional issues.


I wonder if she still feels that way…

May 29, 2009

by Jason Fischer

Excerpt of Republican Sen. Jeff Sessions’s questioning of then-U.S. District judge Sonia Sotomayor at her 1997 Senate Judiciary Committee confirmation hearing to the federal appeals court:

Sessions: Judge Sotomayor, would you agree that if we respect that Constitution, we have to enforce it, the good and bad parts?

Sotomayor: Absolutely, sir.

Sessions: Even if we do not agree with part of it?

Sotomayor: Absolutely.

Sessions: And we really undermine and weaken that Constitution when we try to bend it and make it fit our contemporary feelings of the moment?

Sotomayor: Sir, I do not believe we should bend the Constitution under any circumstance. It says what it says. We should do honor to it.

Sessions: And when we honor it as it is written, I think we strengthen it and make it available to protect us when any great threat to our liberty arises. I agree with you on that.

Source: Judiciary Committee


Your Tax Dollars At Work

May 28, 2009

Photographs of Iraqi prisoner abuse which U.S. President Barack Obama does not want released include images of apparent rape and sexual abuse, Britain’s Daily Telegraph newspaper reported on Thursday.

The newspaper said at least one picture showed an American soldier apparently raping a female prisoner while another is said to show a male translator raping a male detainee. (source)


No More Rainbow-Themed Weddings in California

May 26, 2009

The California Supreme Court has upheld the constitutional amendment (known as Prop 8) passed by California voters last November — changing the state’s constitution to provide that you can’t get married if you’ve got matching nasty bits. The challenge to Prop 8 had been brought on the theory that it was really an unlawful revision of the state’s constitution, as opposed to an amendment. A tough sell by pretty much everyone’s estimation. However, the court did rule that gay couples already married in California prior to the vote approving Prop 8 would remain legally married. Californians can expect to see referendums to repeal the ban on every future statewide ballot.